Rants

it hit me again. sigh. yes. i'm feeling a bit disheartened. friday aint as good as i wanted it to be. i know, there aint no point to even think bout it now that its not happening, will not and never will be so can i please stop sulking.

so i've a full time for a month and half, part time for the weekends, and socialising events in between, meeting up and doing things with the people i like, sound great innit?! but no, i'm not happy. i'm not truely happy. i possiblyl am when i'm around people but i kinda think thats just a cover.

how i'm becoming so jaded now.

sigh.

grate it off grate it off grate it off!!! i need this off my system so i can get back up. get back to being tough. get back to the ground and fight.

All it takes is one second

chatted with a kind doctor, bbqed, watched the hangover, sleeping over, hand holding, armani cologne, summer sales, and a paella. and then ga boom. an email from P, happiness is taken out from the equation. in a blink of an eye. 1 second is all it needs.

i'm upset.

its the end of june. beginning of july.

Just Confused

there it's. its subtle, but its there. the change. was i glad. yes, well, no. yes. but maybe not. no. no. no. i don want the change. i don want to have to feel this way.

Moorish and Chance Encounters

thats what makes it click - a smile, some giggles over the infusion tea, exchange of korean and chinese, the difference that seems so alike, two men and one subject.

i am happy.

Over Tennis

i still never learned. i still fucking spill everything to people i barely know and regret later.

trust is such a tricky funny thing!

**

when incompatibility becomes diluted, what next?

Uno Stacks

i wanted to write about what made me happy lately - the chance encounters, endless cycles of winning and losing, the wine, oh and the food indulgence, but they dont matter anymore. its back to square one again. its crude. very crude. do i remember how to rebuild. the puzzle. tell me, what helps.

i just wish it could last a bit longer. the happiness. why is that never happened.

It Wasnt Just Monday Blues

sigh. it wasn't the greatest monday. in fact, it was pretty shitty. from the moment i opened my eyes, this awful gawky interfering heart wrenching feeling just hit me like it was deemed to happen.

no. i didn't get it! i thought i was prepared to handle the worst. but apparently it wasnt quite so the case. this feeling, this sinking feeling, shards of heart - not a very pleasant combination. i really hate it. i hate how it makes me feel so dejected! you know, i know that i need to learn to embrace failure, but during moment like this, i can't, i just can't pretend that i'm okay. knackered, i am.

i just wish that words can be my undoing.

What Could Have Been

so it was supposed to be fun loving and all, but then i made the wrong move. what was it that had gone into me that night?!!! where was my carefreeness? do you know how awful i felt? damaged was done. had i offended something even deeper? yea so whats done is done. what do i do. i thought i'd be feeling so much better after the sleep. but no. it's still hovering over me like the shadow. its into the third day now. and i still care - i thought i wont i thought i can do better than having this shit affecting me. but hell, its pressing on me more than i'd expected. something bordering on i dunno what, something like remorse? was that it- began to grip me and seemed to define itself even more clearly the more i became aware of incipient daylight through my windows. for the first time i balked and prey to self-doubt- we should have talked...

had the liking i felt always been there, though camouflaged, and all i'd needed was a night like that to let it out?

i feel like a hypocrite. wrecked. and i want to swallow everything. it is eating me away, inside out. i want to see the sky.

How

how how how how how.

how to mend it?! tell me how

Chain of Action and Reaction

'i want you to be addicted' keeps ringing in my ears, even in my sleep it keeps tugging at me, straining towards me and now it makes my stomach churns, my desire awaken. i want his skin more than ever after all the talks with N and Y and revisiting the night before. the thought washed over me like water on a flower shop window. this whole chain of action and reaction.

i am i am i am falling.