Falling in love

those eyes, gosh those eyes seriously, are blowing my mind. those eyes with those abs, and that smile on your lips.

Pink & Black

fluorescent pink. and black.
the booze.
the girls.
dim lights.
cool breeze.
music.
the highs.

i'm loving it. very much.

also, the color of my nails now.

I don't know

After the phone call, part of me was relieved. yet another part of me felt grey. heavy.

then there's a warm greeting from SS. the man I'm so proud to be related with. He reminded me about dad's 60th b'day this year. and that if I was thinking of goin home then. He said he will.

I didnt know what to say. I feel like I'm in a total mess right now. I'm not grounded. I feel crumpled out of shape. and I feel helpless. helpless because I don't know where I'll be then. I dont know if I'm able to live up to my expectations. the realisation that dad's turning 60 this year, sigh, it gives a strong pinch in my heart. it is so glaringly painful.

then I remembered clearly the train station moment just a month ago. where I sent my family off. there was a little twinge of sadness, and a collective pain that hovers in the stale air of train station. it is coming back to haunt me now, when I'm most vulnerable.

I need to chill. to get this off my chest.

fuck the waiting.

4pm

So there I was. waiting there, steeping myself in other people’s cigarette smoke, passively leeching on their carefree happiness.

The sun is setting. it burns the sky this orange/red/pink/purple colour. and paints the most beautiful shades over the faces of everyone. the hustle bustle disappears, headaches and sulkiness forgotten, only a magical colour of rainbow flame.

now I'm falling in love with the sunsets.
all that remains is to fall in love with someone.

The Curve

I had a dream again, this morning. half an hour ago. just before i decided to force open my eyes and welcome the first ray of light that had sifted through the blue curtains. before i drowned myself into the sweet sappy dream and never want to wake up.

my stomach's churning. the stimulating conversations. the chuckles. the jealousy. the contradiction. there was such strong affinity between us. or was it just all fabrication.

I keep wondering. why have i always chosen the wrong times to leave.

Chinese New Year

yet another year away from home. I don't even remember how many New Years I've not spent with my family. Do I miss home. I asked myself many times. strangely speaking, it doesnt hit me much this time. could it be the stuffed chicken wings we made ourselves tonite? or chinese new year doesnt seem to be exciting anymore.

It's a peaceful one for me this year. and I enjoyed it very much. especially so with the duck tongue and wine. Namaqua Olifants River Shiraz 2008. Its officially MY favourite now. they complement each other soo bloody damn well i couldn't have enough of them. if only my stomach have a bit more room.

Happy Chinese New Year.

The Pig Theory

A friend shares this with me and it put a smile on my face. the haha kinda smile. i like the person that came up with this amusing theory.

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
in other words,
Human that don't know how to enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
therefore, Men - earn money = Pigs
in other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
therefore, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Awwwwwwwww. how could i not looooooooooooove this summary!

Sunday Morning

There.

The wait. the hair-do. the facial expression. the trigger to think of you. I extend my imagination of how you'd react in a 7 hours wait. a beautiful picture i make up of you and me.

you're frowning for a bit, but dats all you show. I know the waiting is killing you, I give you a happy sappy smile, wish it could ease the impatience growing in you. you tighten your hands around mine and give me a broad grin. theres no exchange of words. theres only unspoken love.

and a fluttering heart.

The things I said in the dream

I've always wanted to be seated in the front rows, be it in real or just in my mind theartre. Now, I think it's perhaps the time for me to take a back seat. to indulge in what the big screen can offer.

No. it's not that I'm giving up my fav seat. The truth is, I really don't need to rush.

Tuna Sandwich & Green Tea

I'm glad that I dropped by your place today. To have someone sharing the same perspective and caring for the same thing is indeed very soothing.

I dont have to brush my cheeks against the sheets and sigh my nights away tonite.

and hey, thats not even a pebble that I stumbled upon, innit.

Time, Space and Home

Luck has never been on my side and I always have to do a bit more to get what I want. like how the exact same thing others did was always granted with good outcome, but when it comes to me, all I was given was a 180 degrees ride so to make my life more 'challenging'!

Its always the space and the timing HUH. Same piece of paper, different time, and there we go. da bomb. Just when I think I've provided the answer that feels it's right for the case, little do I know that the answer I will eventually arrive at the desk is wrong. that last variable. that damn last variable.

Today, I was once again hit by a turn i never expected was there. Cursing, and seeking for some familiar voices, I called home. Dad was a bit worried the moment he heard me and thought sth big must had happenend. Heh. its so funny to think of it now. Then, he started feeding me the comfort I needed so badly. and the suggestion for some travelling and shopping for the bag I wanted but din get it coz it was too pricey were so very consoling. Skipped away the analysis bit, nothing beats the fact that he understands exactly how and why I was feeling that way and said its OK to submit to such emotions. After dat, mom shared with me sth funny she encountered today and by the end of the conversation, I was all smiling. the pressure I constantly add onto myself was gone for a bit. ahhh, there is just so much love within the walls of my home. Despite claiming I'm a very independent person, I've realised just how dependent I have always been on my family. I constantly need someone to draw strength from, and I'm glad I have you. The magic you played on me. everytime we talk, it feels like everything in the world is in their rightful place and all is calm. and everything feels just. right.

I think I have the coolest and bestest parents ever. I'm not cloistered. I'm never stifled. and I will never say this enough - I've the bestest and loveliest and coolest dad and mom, the coolest thing to ever happen to me.

Yes. I do have time to spare.

The Day After

It could have been better.

It will.

Make it work.

New Year

Tonite, the beginning of 2009, there were no parties, no drinking, no dancing, only 2friends, a couch and some orange juice.

**

Family's gone back, friends left here for good, and I'm in this room staring at the four walls again. The train episodes, the jostling and elbowing at every single shop in london, the sleeping together, the kodak moments, the teasing of each other in the past 20 days are now a collection of memories.

I really wish that this year would be better and I do not need to reminisce to keep my soul alive.