Emo

last week was a mixture of anger, disappointment, flowers and hearts.

i was made upset. den i was made relieved. den i was made to want, to desire to lust, for a moment, everything was perfect. the crisp white sheet, the scent, the lights. and den reality calls.

**

emo emo emo emo emo!

sigh.

wat do i do.

eat sweets, sleeep, wake up, do the work and stop sighing!

**

Objects

suddenly, i just realise that we're on borrowed time, that time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more.

bombs never fall on the same spots. this one, for all my premonitions, fell exactly in my hideaway.

**

i feel like a dinasour. irritable and occasionally carnivorous.

yes. and i feel like biting something.

The Saturday

took some friends out to try dim sums, bumped into some coursemates there, talked, wanted to do tennis and finally did, on skype with Kon and Nickey, disinclined to job search but did some proper job applications anyway. its an enjoyable busy saturday of laughing, jabbing, giggling and more laughings.

the talks, the events, the options, after all, i still find myself impetuous, commitment phobic, indecisive and rely too much on intuition and feelings. and i smile too much apparently.

Pauses

the air was heavy, there was light rain, smooth swooshes of passing cars, a girl a boy, and the occasional pauses for kisses while walking in the rain. all just becoz the boy thought thats a sweet and romantic thing to do - rain, moonlight should be followed with soft and tender kisses, he said.

cute, very cute. such composition must look like a scene from a movie to the passerby. there was ringing in the girl's heart. thats when she likes him most, like this, when he's trying to show his affection the way she never thought would come from him, just like his insistence of not taking the bus even tho they'd already bought the ticket so they could do the rain-kissing thing. and the moonlight thing, and the hair-messing thing. how could she not fall for him during times like this. how.

Rants

it hit me again. sigh. yes. i'm feeling a bit disheartened. friday aint as good as i wanted it to be. i know, there aint no point to even think bout it now that its not happening, will not and never will be so can i please stop sulking.

so i've a full time for a month and half, part time for the weekends, and socialising events in between, meeting up and doing things with the people i like, sound great innit?! but no, i'm not happy. i'm not truely happy. i possiblyl am when i'm around people but i kinda think thats just a cover.

how i'm becoming so jaded now.

sigh.

grate it off grate it off grate it off!!! i need this off my system so i can get back up. get back to being tough. get back to the ground and fight.

All it takes is one second

chatted with a kind doctor, bbqed, watched the hangover, sleeping over, hand holding, armani cologne, summer sales, and a paella. and then ga boom. an email from P, happiness is taken out from the equation. in a blink of an eye. 1 second is all it needs.

i'm upset.

its the end of june. beginning of july.