我还是相信
其实啊 真的可以试着享受什么事也不用做的片刻
放下武士精神 接受生活上的不确定

情感
并不应该被视为一个会让你停滞不前或软弱的东西
可以感受感觉情感
放开心胸接纳未知
全心全意
诚实诚恳
可以让你有更多的真实刹那
更能自由自在的生活

想给你的信

看到了一篇文章
里面提到了一些与思想和情感有关的东西
想要和你说说 就写下来了

有时候我在想啊
说谓的负担和愧疚
到底是什么呢
我一直都认为只要是诚实真诚的面对自己和他人
为什么还需要觉得愧疚呢
如果是因为过去的原因
又或者是觉得可能没能达到对未来的一些期许
那更没必要了
就因为了避免负担痛苦而放弃拥有当下
真的就是解决之道吗

我相信你有我还不能了解的原因
其实我还真的挺好奇的
eric 那天也和我分享了他本身的一些故事和观点
让我突然觉得会不会是男人在某些事情上想的都是一样的
怎么都在想如果我不可以给你我觉得你想要的 那就什么都不要开始
怎么会有那么多的如果呢
怎么想的那么远去了呢

不管怎样
我真心希望有一天你能不再觉得对我有所亏欠
也希望它不会遮盖住你真实的感觉

想你的心一直都在
好开心自己可以感受和接受心里面所有的emotion
以前还会觉得有点应付不来那么丰富的情感
现在竟然可以这样自然轻松面对
看着心里所有的情绪变化
让它自由发挥却又不被它控制
觉得有点不可思议
真的觉得不一样了

希望会有那么一天
我可以亲口对你说
发生在我身上的一些变化

LDR

she remembers an article that was shared by him some long time ago when things were all flowers and hearts; and she remembers exactly how it had made her smile as she was reading through the lines.

love conquers all, and that distance means nothing other than a challenge - she had always believed in that. how could she have forgotten all this and the faith she once had in herself, him and them. how could she?

so what if you get hurt? so what if its not meant to be? at least you're lucky before. and i'm glad that i was reminded the once upon a time.

異地戀其實很幸福
有許多人不同意，畢竟分隔兩地，不能照顧依偎著對方，心裡的失落總是有的罷。 但是很多異地戀的人確實是幸福的，比任何人都幸福。

兩個人能整天膩在一起，固然很幸福，他們很少會寂寞，但是也很少有綿長的思念。思念本身就是一種最大的幸福，記得自來也大人曾經對名人說，思念你的人就是你的歸處。

擁有異地戀的人是幸運的，因為你擁有了一個願意和你一起堅持努力的人，你擁有了一顆能和你有著相同執著和夢想的心，你擁有了一份強烈到有勇氣挑戰可惡的距離的愛，這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

每當一個人靜靜的時候，想到有一個人和你一樣在堅守這如此脆弱的愛情，那種溫暖，不是異地戀的人是無法體會的，那是一種心靈無聲的溝通，是無條件的信賴。茫茫人海中，能找到這樣一個無條件信賴自己的人，這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

兩個人常常在一起，難免會大意，他們常常會一起吃飯，一起逛街，一起上課，但是卻常常忽略了心靈上的溝通。對於一份真正的愛情，溝通才是最重要的，它能保 持愛情的新鮮感，能讓對方了解現在愛著的是怎樣的一個人。只有了解了對方，愛情裡才不會有誤解， 才不會有錯失了的愛情。所以，異地戀的人有了愛情的優勢，他們很久都見不了面，有了心事，有了難過就在電話裡傾訴，他們的每一次交談都相當於一次交心，因 為彼此都能了解對方的想念，所以，在他們之間很少有了誤會，彼此都懂得了諒解，懂得了寬容。這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

甜言蜜語也算的愛情的潤滑劑吧，沒有一對戀人可以有像異地戀人那樣擁有繁多的機會說甜言蜜語，每次電話裡，總是無意中會說一些“想你”“等你”“愛你”， 即使話不多的人也一樣會說，因為彼此愛著，因為目前只有“語言”這樣一種工具可以表達自己的心情，因為愛的表達，其實都單一。所以，能堅持異地戀的人都是 深切的愛著的，這樣的愛在時間的河流里平淡卻激烈，我想這是所有人都會羨慕的愛。擁有著這樣的愛的你，難道不幸福嗎？

在愛情裡我最不怕的就是距離，只要真正愛著，終歸是能在一起。是啊，距離在那麼深切的愛里算什麼？什麼也不是。如果你們因為異地戀就輕易分手了，千萬不要 把罪過怪在距離上，你應該慶幸，自己離開了的一個並不真正愛你的人，因為在愛的面前，距離真的什麼也不是。所以,如果你的愛人也在遙遠的地方，不要覺得寂 寞，不要覺得委屈，要慶幸，你用寂寞和思念換來了一份真正的愛，那是別人求之不得的愛。

Wonder

all those maybe 'special moments'
all those kisses, hugs, warmth, given and received.
i wonder what do they all mean.
do they all have expiry date.
what last. what doesnt.
i wonder what more we'll have.
i wonder why sex doesnt mean anything anymore these days.
what do we do when its all over.
all the archived relationships. memories. hard drive. memory cards.
the passionate love vs conditioned.
the regularity vs the non-.

whose next. whats next. if the next's the last.

Pointbreak

- i will think of you, what you did, what you are doin, for just a mere fleeting moment. and that tiny fraction of you in my life, in my thoughts is all you can have of me.

- its into the 2nd week now. all i need is to make it to three. then it will be encapsulated in the finest bubble glass.

- its been a long ride. long emotionally spent ride. but i'm starting to get the bearings right.

- time. i hate you. and i love you. you brought me in and you're taking me outta here.

- DM, thank you. KR, thank you maybe. SF, play it by ear. RC, shelf life to be determined.

- lush green grass twinkled with starflowers. breezes tinged with faraway rose and lavender. bread, cheese and a bottle of wine. it will come.

Its Just Like The Ice Cream

ice cream - once it's melted, even if you freeze it again, it'll never be the same, it'd have gone out of shape.

This is it

so yes, this is what it is - time tend to romanticise memories.

and when it does that, even the slightest touch gives such distinct titillation.

how am i to cut it.

the arousal of emotions has become involuntary.

The Truth

it is very scary to know how we always need others to make us feel good.

9am and 5pm

9am. i was greeted with utter despair.

at this very second, i thought to myself - c'mon, let me just trip over my own feet and when i stand up and brush the dirt off my skirt, i will find that it's yesterday again, and i will have made the call earlier, den i will not have to go thru all this shit now. but i didn't trip. and i didn't find that it was yesterday. it was still today, very much so, painfully and realistically.

can you take me off that rocking boat.


**

really, all i wanted to do was forget the reason why i was angry because it is about something that i have spent way too much time being angry about, and it is also something that i cannot change.

but you know, forgetting is never a one second thing.

**

5pm. i was given what i needed the most. strength. the voices from home. the sound of tenderness. and the sound of silence that comes after the comforting phone call. the permanance of it comforted me. it also didn't expect anything from me, and that liberated me.

i can never mentioned enough how grateful i am to have the people in my life to be so understanding and not blaming me for what has happened.

and thus, i can heal myself. far, far, far removed from the toxic aid of humanity.

i can hold on to my tears and stand up once again.

i wasn't ok when i said i was. but i'm ok now.

so, the last thing you need to worry is me. ok.

**

maybe its good that we do not have the ability to turn back time.


**

and so tonight i am happy. happier. contented. because of life. and your presence.

i love you, pa
i love you, ma
i love you, sis

To Sum It Up

this hour, the pent-up emotions finally evade me.

the kindness in you. from msn to yahoo. from the lil talk to the dancing dots. from the devilish laugh to angellic smile. and that asshole responds. thank you.

and you. for layaning me and bring me into your story. for giving me your precious sleeping hours. thank you.

and then you. for being so accommodating. thank you.

**

stepping back to observe the aftermath, i always think it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything. and whatever dat happens at dat very second, determines the next space and time.

it never comes back. there's no u-turn. there's only another beginning.

**

and i cannot help but to wonder, if it happens the second before, what could have been.

Unspoken Words

came across this song by accident. love it. love the melody.



there, was some time traveling.

some reflection upon self.

some exchange of words.

who would be able to live an adolescent's life, without admitting its tough?
who would be able to draw a clear, unadulterated line between infatuation and faith?
who would know the secret pains that a girl has in the closet of her heart?
or who would understand the feelings of a boy whose love is unrecipocrated?

and behind each laughter, is a wound,
that i refuse to see.
i'm so sorry.
the wasted kindness.


unrecipocrated.

sigh. it hurts to hold on.
it hurts to let go.
tell me, what do we do.

Yes, I hear the cry...of my own heart...

how can I live
so pure and free
free of contradicting thought?

Because of Loneliness

because of loneliness, we fall in love with each other. becoz we are in love, we start missing each other, and becoz of the missing, we feel even more lonely. loneliness and love, they are always intertwined.

because of loneliness, we thirst for friendships, we start to mingle around, coaxing ourselves into the belief that we're never alone. and for the same reason, we choose to keep a distance with our friends, so they could live a life of their own, and we could slowly learn to find bliss in the sea of loneliness.

because of loneliness, we are in love with the tenderness showered upon us, overindulge in your mellow voice, i would only fall asleep in your 'goodnite'. because of loneliness, you think i'm special, even my non-sensible acts are seen as cute, you are concern for my everything. and that's how you'd get hurt by the mean thing i say.

because of loneliness, i started writing. becoz of these words, for just a brief moment, i forgot bout loneliness. for a fracture of a second, i found solace in the darkness.

Time, Space and Home

Luck has never been on my side and I always have to do a bit more to get what I want. like how the exact same thing others did was always granted with good outcome, but when it comes to me, all I was given was a 180 degrees ride so to make my life more 'challenging'!

Its always the space and the timing HUH. Same piece of paper, different time, and there we go. da bomb. Just when I think I've provided the answer that feels it's right for the case, little do I know that the answer I will eventually arrive at the desk is wrong. that last variable. that damn last variable.

Today, I was once again hit by a turn i never expected was there. Cursing, and seeking for some familiar voices, I called home. Dad was a bit worried the moment he heard me and thought sth big must had happenend. Heh. its so funny to think of it now. Then, he started feeding me the comfort I needed so badly. and the suggestion for some travelling and shopping for the bag I wanted but din get it coz it was too pricey were so very consoling. Skipped away the analysis bit, nothing beats the fact that he understands exactly how and why I was feeling that way and said its OK to submit to such emotions. After dat, mom shared with me sth funny she encountered today and by the end of the conversation, I was all smiling. the pressure I constantly add onto myself was gone for a bit. ahhh, there is just so much love within the walls of my home. Despite claiming I'm a very independent person, I've realised just how dependent I have always been on my family. I constantly need someone to draw strength from, and I'm glad I have you. The magic you played on me. everytime we talk, it feels like everything in the world is in their rightful place and all is calm. and everything feels just. right.

I think I have the coolest and bestest parents ever. I'm not cloistered. I'm never stifled. and I will never say this enough - I've the bestest and loveliest and coolest dad and mom, the coolest thing to ever happen to me.

Yes. I do have time to spare.

Emotion you lil bugger

When emotion gets in the way, nothing sounds right.

I look at her trapping in her own shell, closing her doors to other people as though that will help her mend her broken heart. Maybe it will. I remember I was once like her too, am probably still on occassions, but thats not the point.

I want to help, I have her in my priority list. But what else can I do if she would rather give up the offer which is practically, theoretically and technically better of?

Special

It's so terribly true that people just want to be special. Everyone likes to be the special one in the eye of the other. Even it's jus a wee bit more, thats enough to make the person feels good. So don't lie and say you don't give a hoot.

Inclusion. Thats what it is!

Brokenness

And brokenness is not necessarily a bad thing. It gives you room to open your eyes, to fix things, to shine, to stretch your potentials. And, to see your trueself.

No. I'm not any closer to the life of brokenness. I'm just staring at the word, trying to understand what it means.

What is good?

What is good? and what is bad? Similarly, what's right? and what's wrong?

It's considered a good deed because it fits your definition?

Affinity

It's all 'bout affinity.

Interaction - thats what brings us together and tears us apart.

The receptor theory works for all, not only on the molecular level. We're the ligand, we are also the receptor.

Biasness as we called it, is just the result of difference in affinity.

Attitude

Angel is playing in the background. The room is only litted with candle light. Orange. It's a soft night of tranquility. Disposition from emotion.

Tugged in bed. I am in thoughts.

'Treat others as you would like to be treated'. I was asked the other day by Rosie on how and what do I feel towards it. Strongly agree? Indifferrent? As much as I am for it, I've found myself doing otherwise, towards this one person.

I want to pull a smile, but my face just doesnt do it. Not even for the sake of faking one. Coldness, an emotion I'm not very familiar with myself, he has it all. that side of me. If 10 degrees is what I have, I'm giving him all. And the situation never change, it's like there's this thing already programmed into my brain, every time he appears, the radar senses it, 30 degrees will decrease down to 10 degrees immediately. Its not even in gradient mode. Its a drastic drop, and the cycle repeats.

Its kinda strange. We both know whats goin on and yet it's repeating itself again and again. He'll be askin the same kinda questions (all angellic) and I'll be telling him off (very mean and evil) and feel bad after. Feeling bad is all it is, I'm not exactly trying to fix it, somehow. So there comes the point, I would rather let the cycle repeats than mending it. and come up with some excuses to justify my not-so-pleasant-attitude like if he doesnt annoy me then I wont behave that way.

I would be very upset if someone were to treat me this way, yet I'm doin it now. It's becoming a reflex action I'm afraid. A targeted one.

Cut it or lose it. I'm still thinking.

Dreams

Talkin bout dreams, all I know is that my dreams have shrunk with time I dont know if it's even right to call them dreams now.

There are so many more things in the front cue screaming for my attention, constantly reminding me of the reality, and all I can do and have done was pushing my dreams further and further from the core. Den, this one girl who talked bout her dream a year ago is now walking her dream. It shruck me a chord, would I have the guts to do the same? I've always dreamt of travelling around the globe, just like her, and falling in love with the passers-by, indulging in every different cultures, sing a local song and dance a local dance.

Some say, talk bout dreams only when you are financially secured, it is the bitter cruel world we are living in, money can buy dreams, but never otherwise. Not common anyway. Some say, just follow the call, we have to start somewhere and lets not let the money issue, career issue or what have you stop you from chasing your dreams. Things will eventually fall into place once you have the first step layed down.

And all these boil down to the very key issue, choice. How does one want his/her life to be?

I'm still searching my soul. What do I really want.

Dreams, exist becoz of choice.