how funny is this that the busier i get, the more i think of you.

how are you. 

怎么办
怎么办
怎么办

还是很想你

一次又一次的在想
可以打给你了吗
你会想要和我说话了吗
不想要让你有负担
又不想要一直压抑对你的想念

我该怎么办啦

想念

有好多好多话想和你说
好想好想给你打电话

不知道你心里觉得比较轻松了吗

原来想念也有很多种
平时的想念就只是想
今天的想念里却有揪揪的感觉
有点想掉眼泪但又不知道是为了什么

真的很想你
想你的声音
想你笑的样子
想你爱玩的时候
想你有时傻傻的

你想我了吗

喜欢

好喜欢和爸聊天的感觉
喜欢每天都可以从生活中发现小小的乐趣和值得学习的人生哲理

也好喜欢一家人在一起吃饭看电视的感觉
就算没有说话
也觉得很开心

喜欢自己一个人在家时不再觉得无聊
喜欢想你的时候　
就只是想你

dear you,

its been three days since we last communicated. i have been well.

last several months have been rough for you and me. i have had my hurtful moments, i have been happy, i have trapped myself in time, living almost exclusively through memory and anticipation, i have been dissappointed, and i have been hopeful. but i have to say, regardless of the ups and downs, if there is anything i have learned from these, it is that presence is the key to freedom. this is not a new saying - i have been preaching this to others too, but to have truly practising and honoring that present moment is all i ever have is another thing all together.

i am glad that i did not get sucked into the state of unhappiness like i would, i am glad to find small slices of humanity here and there and being inspired by someone's intelligence, willpower or even kookiness. you, are one of the many who have made the biggest impacts on my life and the way i percieve life. i thank you for that. for being a part of my life.

i can't say i'm doing very well now, in terms of my life situations, but i can feel myself morphing into a state that feels natural and welcome. it's new. but it's old, and it's natural. it's a propelling force. and it is an amazing feeling to discover that after much toil and trouble, what i want at the end is what i wanted at the beginning. i have come to realise that it is the quality of my consciousness at this moment that determines the future.

i have to admit i'm still thinking about you everyday； the urge to want to share with you my story remains unchanged. i dont want to try to forget what i truly feel for you. thoughts might lie, but emotions and feelings never lie. for some reasons, as i confronted my emotions, cherish and embrace these present moments of missings, i feel liberated.

定

慧

无意间在家里的小茶杯上看到了这两个字 并排在一起
心里起了一阵悸动 我想起了你 也想起了我们

我了解你的选择 我了解这个时候的你需要有自己一个人的空间去处理心里上的负担
我知道你这么做是为了我好 我也知道你是下定了决心
我说过我会支持你的决定
我说过我会好好的过
但是 我好想你 我真的好想你

原来真正爱一个人是可以放手的
是可以很单纯的只是喜欢他 希望他好
不期望一定要在一起

原来真正爱一个人不会因为分开而觉得难过
不会因为不能够联系而伤心
只会很庆幸的觉得这样也好
只要他可以开心自由
就够了

我会好好的照顾自己 不让你为我担心
我会好好的享受当下
然后在有机会的时候和你分享
我会好好的珍惜对你的感情
好好的把它放在心里 直道我们再相遇

after all, nothing seems to have changed. is it true that time and distance have made us too complacent with our current state, or is it true that our affection has slowly eluded us, or have i been pushing a lil too hard wanting to remain true to myself and keeping the harmony in place.

so often i want to surge forward and adapt to the curveballs that the environment throws at me, and i want to make the best out of the present. but it is sooo difficult and exhausting and it hurts, it hurts so much at the end to realise that i'm the only person who's trying to fight the odds and fix things. i wish sometimes that i could enjoy more this process of doing and undoing, but i can't stop myself from being over-analytical about the entire process. am i doing it right? have i gone too far and beyond? is there something i should be aware of or avoiding? have i digressed from the initial intention? is this the best for you and for us too? can i still support myself to doing all this?

i guess i really ought to learn how much to care. over-caring seems like a liability that's not welcomed in the relationship.

something that strike a chord with me:

相愛的人要懂得珍惜

聽來一個這樣的故事：有位男子邀請了幾位朋友來家裏做客，男子抽煙一支又一支。她的妻子輕輕地打開了窗戶，沒有言語。有一朋友悄悄問那妻子，你怎麼不阻止他抽煙呢？抽煙有害身體呀。那妻子笑了笑，說，對他來說，抽煙是快樂的，如果他能活八十歲，我寧願他快樂地生活六十年，而不願意他不快樂地多活二十年。這話讓那男子知道了，他便戒掉了煙。朋友問他為何能這麼容易地戒掉了煙，他說，我有這麼好的老婆，我為什麼要選擇少活二十年呢？

愛，是心靈與心靈的相知，它可以不要太多的語言來粉飾。真正相愛的人，會毫不計較地為情感付出，唯一的期盼只是對方的疼惜；真正相愛的人，會處處時時牽掛著對方，給他（她）以關懷體貼；真正相愛的人，一個動作，一個眼神，都能心領神會，那份相知的默契勝卻一切物質帶來的歡悅。

愛，是一種平等的相處，一種自然的情感延續，它需要一份彼此的理解與尊重。如果僅有一方的付出，愛便會失去正確的方向，甚至發展成畸形，最終塗上悲哀的色彩。有些情感從一開始便走入誤區，因為愛而傾心付出。久而久之養成的習慣令有些人覺得擁有對方的關愛是理所應當的。所以他不再感動，更不會以同樣的關愛來回報對方。

愛，是一種美麗卻又易逝的曇花，只有用心來澆灌，才能開出芬芳的花朵。劉若英在《後來》有一句歌詞唱得極好，有些人，一旦錯過就不再。在我們歎息“得到的不珍惜，失去方知其寶貴”的同時，晏殊在《浣溪沙》裏那句“不如憐取眼前人”是否給我們深刻的啟迪呢？生活的瑣屑，常常會令我們忽略自己的愛人，我們總會找許多的理由來為自己辯解、開脫。有些人，甚至做出傷害情感的行為，同時擁有多份情感，還美其名曰：喜新不厭舊。

愛，不是等價交換，它沒有公平的籌碼，但它卻宛如一架天平，兩端的砝碼不等，便會傾斜，差得太大時，便會失去重心。有人在婚姻的圍城裏，過得很累，筋疲力盡，但責任與道義感的存在，他們依舊毅然地支撐下去；有人在婚姻裏真正找到了溫馨幸福的歸屬，也許他們的生活並不很富裕，但卻擁有最寶貴的財富——發自內心的快樂。

真正愛一個人，是可以無私的付出，但愛又是具有排它性的，從這個角度說，愛也是自私的。重情重義的人，是不可能同時愛著兩個人的。人的一生，可以愛多個人，但那絕不會是在同一個階段。因為種種原因，不同的階段，也許會有不同的情感，只要我們用心對待，就能無怨無悔。生活可以是枯燥的，也可以是生動有趣的，就取決於我們對待人生的態度。

愛就像一串珠子，斷了一處，珠子就會依次掉滿一地。細心地呵護，珠子就會燦然發光；漫不經心，珠子就會散落無形。就如故事中的講到的男子一樣，如果他不用心去領悟妻子的一番愛意，那麼他是不會去戒掉自己鍾愛的煙的。

其實幸福很簡單，有語云：婚姻需要經營。的確，善於經營者，便會收穫幸福；不善於經營者，得到的只能是苦澀的青果。而這經營婚姻的精髓就是雙方互相的懂得。唯有懂得，愛更能情意綿綿；唯有懂得，愛更添溫馨無限；唯有懂得，愛方能經歷彌新！愛，需要懂得，懂得關心，懂得體貼，懂得一切為愛而應該付出的所有。

Note to Self

note to self: i'm not gonna let myself to be emotionally affected by you. i'm not gonna have my tears shed because of you. not ever again.

i'm gonna learn to let go. learn to let go of the memories that have trapped me inside this whole emotional mess. learn to let go of all the heart-fluttering talks and roses tinted plans of having a future together.

there's enough of tears shed, enough of heart breaking moments. enough of attachment to you like this that only breaks me. and enough of holding on to the expiry dates.

its one of those nights again. she has been trying to shovel off that disquite feelings within her, but it just keeps coming back to haunt her. what is wrong here. could it be the song? what was the conversation about? where was the affection? where was the cool? where did this estrangement come from?

there was a lot of talking in her head. there was a lot of pinging and ponging back and forth. and there was a lot of unanswered questions. she is scared. she is nervous about the sobriety with which she is approaching these things. she was afraid that things are going to go out of hand. she is afraid she might have sealed the deal. but in many ways, it is a very liberating fear.

at times like this, how she wished that...he would be able to take the distraught off her. but perhaps, she should stop being silly.

honestly, why does she care.

So I Guess

all it takes is just a phone call.

period.

how silly can i still be?

The Unexpected

3.30pm. i was sent the warmth of these bubbles. your unexpected hello from the other side of the world brought me back to that space of bubbles. a space without hesitation or second thoughts. a space with simple bliss and care. a space with genuinity and sincerity.

do you know how surprised i was when i saw that strangely familiar number flashing on my screen. i was nervous for a swift second after saying hello, unsure. i've never thought you'd called, but you did and you'd totally caught me off guard! sigh. how can i not be thankful to have met you in my life!

everything feels just like many years ago. you speak, i smile. when was the last time you called?!! even though it was just a mere 15 mins conversation, i was brimming with excitement and happiness.

there was sooo much that i wanted to talk to you about, and hear you share your on-goings. you sounded sooo happy and soooo... you. i just wished we had more time to talk. i wished i wasnt busy. i wished...

you had me smiling silly and floating away. and i cant help to secretly think that you're missing me to make that call.

feelings a real funny thing.

i dont even know where to begin with all that i felt since yesterday till this morning in a span of 24hours.

there were so much going on in my head, scenes after scenes, fragments after fragments, questions after questions, but i couldnt really tell what they were exactly. i just know i was mentally occupied and taken over with my heart sinking into this massive swirl of emotion tumultuous. it was an emotion tug-of-war.

do you know when we had that conflict, what i really wanted to do was to hold your hand, i wanted to take you to one of my favourite cafes for some snacks while you're waiting to board, but i was angry. and when i'm angry i do stupid things, like pushing you away, and watching myself hurting both of us and go through trying times wanting to mend this in my head but not really doing anything real even tho we only had 1 hour left together. what was i thinking!

and then you gave me the unexpected phone call 5 hours after we've parted. you have no idea how much it meant to me. nothing matters anymore the moment when the phone rang. it was magical. all the unsettling feelings that have occupied me all evening disappeared instantly the second you said hello. it reminded me of all those times where we'd talked over the phone, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. and there's only you and me in this world. that's how it started. i felt like crying but i didn't. i didn't want to ruin this moment. i just wanted to dissolve in this burst of moments that are short but splendid. i'd missed you so badly.

then i felt a little displaced as i woke up this morning. i'm sooo used to waking up beside you, cuddling; now i don't what to do with myself. you are officially gone.

how did you do this. how did you make my life revolve around you.

Heartstrings

blue sky. golden sunshine. spring breeze.

random flipping through the messages. the occasional short exchanges of texts. memories.

i still remember how i felt when i hear your voice again after so long - it was a day of a lot of emotions. you've not changed a bit; the way you speak. the way you laugh. the way you'd frown. i can see your facial expression when you made that low-tone laugh. and letting me win anyway as it has always been that way (or maybe its just me who thinks that way). i dont remember the details of most of our conversations, but i know ive enjoyed the connection and the trust you placed in me, its subtle but i know its there. and that is the bubbles i need.

its always the little things. no matter how huge the gust of wind, its always about the grain of sand in the eye. like the out-of-no-where go to sleeep go to sleeep note. random talk on sg women attire. i was secretly in bliss when you talked bout the memories. marina parade vs marina square. its just sooo funny how such little things would provide the swift kick in the gut. even tho its from years ago.

i wonder, if you still wear that scent?

I Just Want It to Stop

i thought i could hold it, but apparently i couldnt. it hurts. i dont want to be feeling this way. i dont want to have tears well up. i dont want to have my heart wrenched this way. i dont want to feel vulnerable.

have i beeen too emotionally dependent on something that i shouldnt have. where is the old me, i miss me. i miss how i was never bothered by trivial things like this. seriously, why should i care.

have i forgotten that open wound? how many more times do i have to put myself through this? why have i not learned?

please. i just want it to stop now. please. i just want to be in control of how i feel.

all i want is to smile again.

Missing

after she hung up the phone, she sat there for a long time listening to the sound of silence. it is such a passively piercing sound.

there're thousands of thoughts and feelings running thru her mind and body. on many levels shes angry. but on the most basic level, and the one closest to her heart, she is wistful. wistful over everything that has transpired. and wistful over what could have been.

she remembers exactly how she felt of that moment, that moment where she tried to shut off on the other end and the minutes leading up to that moment. that sense of estrangement, that coldness from within that was scratching its way out of her stomach and into her mouth. the most important things become forgotten and shoveled beneath layer after layer, mound after mound of flimsy defenses and constant explanation. oh and that self-righteous pride!

where was she trying to get at. eventually nothing complements each other, nothing feels perfect; it’s always either or, compromise, win some lose some. we give in all at the wrong times, and so we collapse together, recklessly and without any tenderness.

****

sleeps didnt comfort her. she feels a lot of things. for a few fleeting moment, she was scared - she couldnt remember how she felt when they were holding hands, how he looks like. where they were. she ran through the postcards, the heart-shape pebble, trying to grasp for that one mental picture of them, of him. but whats left was just this blank. spot. vacuum. thing in her head. is this what it is. moving on? is this what it is. forgetting.

she had herself watching her favourite person on youtube, she thought that could help to ease that edginess nagging feelings in her. theres the scene, the eyes gazing, the morning after, the hand holding - it is a scene that is exhuming a lot of forgotten feelings from within her.

how could she possibly forget how he looks like. he's supposed to be always here. omnipresent. never leaving. what was she thinking?! there were all those laughs and all those nights - those heart-skipping exchanges of words with kisses and space invading. making fun. giggles.

she closed her eyes and suddenly she sees him, his face, his pink blunt shirt, his smile, that teasing grin. she remembers how her heart skipped when she looked into his eyes. how she giggled. and how he laughed.

****

i miss you.

Sensory Overload

tonight is a chilly nite. i wrap myself around with my newly bought throw thinking about us. the murmurs of sweet nothings. duvet cover. cobblestones. orange light. there's a long silence in the room after i hung up the phone. i miss you.

i can see in my mind the shadowy contours of your body laying next to me. the rhythmic breathing. and hand holding. i want to trace your jaw line, kiss you and melt into you. memory and imagination are so crucial in states like this. otherwise, with what could i fill in the blanks.

we almost missed each other. it gives a pinch in my heart when i realise how fragile everything i hold in my hands is. one insensitive utterance, one day too late, one voicemail not heard, one email not sent, one coach not taken, and we’d be somewhere else. it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything.

but baby, you're in my world now. i didnt say much when you poured your heart out to me. thats not because i dont feel the same. i'm addicted to you. i just didn't know what to say. i was, overwhelmed with the swirl of emotion and all the fuzzy feelings in the pit of my stomach.

i like the sound of the future with you. and when i said i want to be with you, i meant also i want to share that last drop of lemonade with you.

What do I do with you

heart wrenched. stomach's churning as i hear you speak, telling me in the softest tone ever that you're upset. but there's nothing that i could do other than feeling choked. i didnt want to tear. i didn't want to be the reason that makes you worried and upset. i didn't want to let you know how much it pains me inside knowing you're upset. but you're good. as always. you sensed it right away and the next thing i remember was that i was smiling again. tho still in tears.

how do you do it. how do you still have room to make someone else smiles when you're made upset by that person in the very first place. how could you be so sweeet and tender and endearing. you have no idea how much i love you for that.

i really wish i was there, in person and in flesh.

i wish i could do something with my hands and my hugs and tell you there's nothing you need to worry about me instead of being a phone call away.

i wish i don't do things that would worry you. i wish i could be a lil bit more sensitive towards how you feel.

i look back at the photos of you on facebook. the ones you took for my sake and the one you just put up. your eyes, your smile, your dimples, your expression, the child in you, then the man in you. and then i reminisced about the past months, keeping myself company with memories of the silly little things we did, all the cheekiness we were up to, all the snippet dialogues of the lover, all the meaness of me for the sake of fun and glittery excitement where you're always patiently taking it in until i'm bored.

i miss you. i lied when i said i didn't. i have tried not to think bout you so much but that just made me miss you more. i have so much love for you that it spills over. tell me, what do i do.

Moments

nose's still blocking. eyes heavy. but the truth is, she's never been happier. she's never had her feet swept off like this. sigh. le sigh.

there are so many things she wants to say. mostly things about what she feels inside but also things that happened. yet she doesnt really know how to. she wants to talk about the moment. that moment. those moment that tingle all her senses during the conversation. and all that that make her stomach churns after they hung up.

remember the utterance of all the sweet nothingness? all the 20 minutes to an hour and more. even the lil conversation over the fb comments and the pic? all she wanted to do as he speaks bout his concern is to hold him tight and make it all go away.

the laughters. the flutters of heart. the whole big mush of feelings and emotions that grow sporadically in the pit of her stomach. ah and the anticipation for those words that makes her cringed, no not in a disgust way, but more of blood rush, heart race coupled with butterflies in stomach - the zha zha zhu feelings. she thought the butterflies would go away as time goes but it never did. they can always find its way to sneak through her. that's when she wants to grab a fistful of him so badly, melts into him and tell him how much she's fallen for him.

sometimes she still wonders where they are heading. but during times like this that’s fine. during times like this all she wonders is how they can be so lucky to have met each other and be in love. so where they are right now is fine – for the moment, this is where they belong. this place in between two lines and two boxes.

Post-Call

a three hours phone call. an evening with butterflies in the stomach. a lot of walking-down the memory lane. she's now trapped.

all thats ringing in her head an hour post-call is his voice. there's this thing in his voice. she doesnt know what it is but she remembers exactly how she was drawn to him as he speaks, just like honey bee to flowers. those eyes and that smile, sigh, she can't help but wonder if she's ever met anyone like this mischievous yet irresistible. sometimes she thinks she knows him, sometimes he's so elusive, but she likes him most when he catches her off-guard and surprises her with a side of him she's never known; like that tenderness of him. that tenderness could so easily be overlooked.

the fond memories at the train station, pharmacy store, puddles of water, high heels, ever spontaneous and cheeky response that cracks her up all time, the sweet mornings and space invading, making fun, winbledon, scribbles of note, lil blue box - she doesnt know how not to fall in love.

it’s gonna be a wintry world of long distance and time differences, but she's really excited that in a months time they will be in each other's arms again.

Missed Call

this is all that matters.

the message. you. your voice.

i have the voicemail to replay itself. you speak, i smile.

thats all i need for the night.