Bond and Bonding

its a mystery how we fall in love, who we fall in love with, why we fall in love, but we do.

life is a vacuum cleaner. it sucks.

what is that. advantages dread of loss?

Over the lemon tea

60 billion people in the world, and all you need is 1.

What's truth. How many version of truth can you have.

Benefit of Doubts

should i give you the benefit of doubts.

5 Seconds

time is all i need.

to dilute the wants.
to laugh like a baby.
to fill the gaping hole.
to feel i'm still relevant.
to see you.

and i have time.

The Saturday

took some friends out to try dim sums, bumped into some coursemates there, talked, wanted to do tennis and finally did, on skype with Kon and Nickey, disinclined to job search but did some proper job applications anyway. its an enjoyable busy saturday of laughing, jabbing, giggling and more laughings.

the talks, the events, the options, after all, i still find myself impetuous, commitment phobic, indecisive and rely too much on intuition and feelings. and i smile too much apparently.

Over Tennis

i still never learned. i still fucking spill everything to people i barely know and regret later.

trust is such a tricky funny thing!

**

when incompatibility becomes diluted, what next?

How

how how how how how.

how to mend it?! tell me how

Just A Bit More

may is coming to an end now. and nothing is pinned down yet. things are movin thou, not at the speed i'm very please with, but i guess it should do.

many months ago, i was distraught, constantly in the blues, and i could see the wearing off of my skin, layer by layer. its threatening. had i become desperate? i tried not to cry, i cried. i wanted to give up, pack and escape, to leave behind all the misery in the tunnel i'd digged for myself. faith didnt let me to.

the twirls, the circles, the hesitation at that very moment, and then a suave turn right on the beat, the skirt swing up, i laughed.

i just need to be a lil bit more patient.

In a Nutshell

so the past week was rather engaging, emotionally wise, in a good way tho i almost think that i'm goin to have it, that its my turn now, that i can finally stop running and take a 5 mins break.

met up with cuz, left southside with a heavy heart, given a part time unexpectedly, had a mojito, given a haha, pinging ponging back and forth with the commitment issue, met up with RB, eager to impress, finally impressed, given a chance to convince, and told to wait. its a good mix of the bitter and sweet.

the waiting. sigh. no, i'm not starting a complain. i'm just...wordless. the waiting makes ppl feel helpless. and i'm just tryin my best to feel indifferent towards it.

Undefined

before i'm aware of its presence and come to a term, it'd slipped off so completely. all it takes was just a mere 2 seconds.

you know, its just like you see someone, but you don't really see him, he's in the wings. the pain, the stoking, the thrill, the scramble and unscramble that was never really coded in the first place - its all so confusing.

The Ties

the ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. sometimes, you think they are there, but they arent. sometimes, they connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken.

some bonds defy distant, and time and logics. because some ties are simply meant to be.

**

there were phone checkings, mind wandering, small talkings. and then the 'how bout the night' just cut it all out.

**

the shrimp paste chilli thing was totally mindblowing!

Post-

we are capable of conditioning ourselves into feeling any way about someone as long as we are determined enough. thats how sick it gets, isnt it.

**

sometimes, just when things are perfect the way it is, we would start questioning ourselves if it really is so and then go on to dig up the smallest possible negativity that may not even be there.

ah. what the hell am i thinking.

**

The 5th

things that are supposedly classified as 'prohibited' for no valid reasons no longer are. the rules break just so easily like how the eyes blink. what makes the difference. tell me.

i still have doubts. the progressive development of this seems planned. one x, two x's and the button's lose. blackaddar is only a cover up. and i fall for it.

there is an unmade decision. somehow thoughts are slower than action this time.

The Orange Concoction

it's a beautiful sunday afternoon, i'm takin a seep of the orange concoction i just made for myself - the smile of a stranger, the tizi tagine, conversation bout the ideal world, and a bit of blueberry sauce.

Traffic Light

yes. i have it in my hand now. i was relieved, for a good 60 seconds, i acted like a child who finally has her popsicle. i'm glad that i can now cross out one of the many on my pending list.

pure bliss is forever short-lived. it's always like this. always is.

i'm once again at the cross road. there are abundance of cars on the road. moving and stopping as directed by the traffic light. every driver seems so focussed following the signs. even the little boy in red knows exactly when to start crossing. it's so straightforward and simple.

Day X

to be very honest, i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'll be taken down once again.

the expectation, of what is to come. is thrilling. and scary.

would i be held in thrall.

As I Step Into the Lift

the phone rings.

i've been waiting for it for too long now.

as the woman speaks, the corners of my lips stretch, jus like this - =)

all the cursing and uneasiness in the past are now forgotten.

my senses are at ease. i see the grey cloud hovering on top of my head slowly disappears.

i will have you landed on my hand safely. right.

Snow in March

snow. rain. blue sky. sunlight. they do coexist. just like how it's today. when you least expected it. when you thought you're covered only with snow and rain. and den suddenly you're kissed by the sunlight. everything is back to where it was. you talk and i smile.

i like how the sky is so blue now.

With Blueberry Sauce

reading back those posts are like poking holes on the burn marks and scars. they have stopped bleeding yes. but the pain they caused are still as glaring. surprisingly. its not the piercing excruciating kind, just enough to make you crouch.

when am I goin to engulf myself in the fire and leave no remnants to be scarred once more?

Morning after the highs

i dont dare. i know, it's just one freaking click away. sigh. so yes. my guts are shrinking. and yes, its all bout face value. i'm just a coward like this.

**

that moment at the store where i picked up the little black dress and put it on me. that moment, i want to keep. because it resonated with me. just like many other things. the only difference is, i dont always have them in my pocket.

**

what have You planned for me? can i believe in trust. can i believe in tenderness.

i'm well taken care of. but why there is still melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass.