Mars

it was drizzling this morning when i left. its 1736 now, and the rain has still not fucking stopped. where i am seated now - at this wooden square table - i can see a lot, but i am very far away from the rain. just this morning, i was very close to it. i could trace the paths of the raindrops on my cheeks, feeling the cool of the rain, on my skin. i remembered the chaffing, the irony, the glances, the smiles that seemed pleased. i remembered the rain that night, and how i loved it most. but right now and right here, sheltered in this room, i'm detached from the rain. we are not in close proximity. and because of that, it has lost its romance. i dont feel it now the same way i do when i know it is close to me. know what i mean?

i am feeling slightly weirded out. rain is so fleeting. i would like to ask it a lot of questions. like why do you fall. why do you fall on me. why such downpours now. can we go back to the drizzles. and no, there's no answer from it. i once thought that everything happens for a reason. see, if i were the rain and i chose to fall on someone, i would be able to give a hundred and one reasons as to why i picked that person to fall on. but then the more i think about it, the more i think those reasons would probably be answering another question altogether, and not the question at hand. yea you are probably right. and perhaps the rain is right too in its deficient answer.

**

theres so much i want to say or ask. but sometimes i just think that there's always a better time to say them, like on the 13th, you know a more perfect time. but when that time never comes, i feel a sense of relief. like, geeee, thank goodness i hadnt blurted out what i wanted to say, look how things ended up anyway. yet, there's always a yet, theres always this persistent lil suspicion that tugs on the ends of my hair, nagging me, whispering nasty taunts like how maybe saying what i had to say would have changed the situation.

these taunts make me cry. they make my stomach churns. and they always make me ask what if? he said, why would you want to live in what ifs and but. i dont have the answers. i’m only human. i’m also curious.

there are a lot of things that i want. i want it happens and i want this to be serious. maybe it'll never be or maybe if i shut up and stopped saying things like that, this could be serious. but i’m not sure of my footing. this is like a strange dance and we are playing by ear.

right now i want nothing more than to just curl up in bed under happy orangey-red summer covers. i need to be tough.

08:45

she just wants things to be perfect. she doesnt want to hide anything. she's had enough of hiding things, hiding herself from the toxic humanity. she doesnt want to cry anymore. she doesnt want the doubt, she want to know that she's special. that there are special things. she wants moments, she wants affection and she wants be spoiled. she wants to give affection. she has sooo much affection to give. she wants to love and be loved. she has so much love to give.

but she's always entering and exiting at the wrong time. or maybe certain things are not meant to be. something not meant to be is never easy.

no. she's just confused. confused coz she has hold it way too close to her heart and that now she's to let it go, she's just feeling a bit lost. and the fact that she cannot explain the emotion annoys her.

**

one night. she's glad one night is all she needs to regain the strength. not fully. but...that will do for now innit. shards of heart. she'll have it back in one piece.

she misses the old her.

**

she's back at the wooden floor. the chocolate cookies makes her smile.

eye lashes, and a green t-shirt. that should be enough right.

Goodbye

there are just way too many things in that concoction to drink in. she's losing it. as they speak, her ability to distinguish the individual ingredient from the mixture is slowly tappering off. how is she feeling. she's wrecked. or maybe not. no idea. still groping at for what feels like the millionth time tonite.

oh yes. this is what it is like - it’s like moving from a house you have lived in for like, forever. a house whose corners you know inside out, know which walls have safeboxes behind them, know which plates go in which cupboards. there are your fav little knickknacks on the shelves, tubs of ice-creams in the fridge, the kitchen perpetually smells like good food. it’s homey, it’s cosy, it’s warm, it’s got you written all over it. you live in this place. you belong to this place, this place belongs to you. and then one day, you’re just picked up and thrown out of this house...and then you dun know what to do...

this is it. this is how it feels like.

**

she wanted to know everything, but now, she would rather not know. damn it!! its been such a long time now, hasnt she learned to bury all the unneccessary emotions to the very pit bottom of that black hole.

the 13th of Aug 2009 is an important date. a special date, the events of which warrant documentation for the future purpose of looking back and saying, this is when it began. and ended.

goodbye. my curly angel.

**

Wooden Floor and the Broccoli Soup

it was one of those nights of bleakness and dissolution. the chair blocked my views, the nails came off too easily just with the slightest pressure. our lives all sewn in with respective traumas, unfulfilled goals, unrequited love, struggles, archenemies, uncertainties and indecision. these things orbit our heads like weary moons still, consuming me in a thorny garden of many faceless, mediocre roses. i feel deprived. starved, somehow. repressed. oppressed. sad. lonely. disappointed. furious. cold. and the scratching didn't quite cut it.

i needed a dose of endorphines. i screamed. and i moaned. i was searching for liberation. and there you were. right there. calling. curling up with you was nice for however long it lasted. and that baby videos of yours, chubby and wobbly - i dunno why, but for some strange reasons, i like it very much, i like how it made me chuckled, how for a second, i forgotten to sulk. and all the lil gentle gestures, the snippet dialogues, the non-sense teasers, the tenderness, the skin on skin, they just snake their way through into me and remind me of just how lil things can make huge differences.

the night. the smell of white and the armani. how i giggled. and how you laughed, and the occassional emotionless response of you. you're sooo cutely funny. in your own way and i still find it very confusing to an extent how that had helped to take away the disquiet feelings in me. it’s nice to know that these things can be dusted away. it’s a good kind of pressure for growing up.

it was a time of pure bliss. i know i was reprieved. even if its short lived. so thank you.

Emo

last week was a mixture of anger, disappointment, flowers and hearts.

i was made upset. den i was made relieved. den i was made to want, to desire to lust, for a moment, everything was perfect. the crisp white sheet, the scent, the lights. and den reality calls.

**

emo emo emo emo emo!

sigh.

wat do i do.

eat sweets, sleeep, wake up, do the work and stop sighing!

**

Objects

suddenly, i just realise that we're on borrowed time, that time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more.

bombs never fall on the same spots. this one, for all my premonitions, fell exactly in my hideaway.

**

i feel like a dinasour. irritable and occasionally carnivorous.

yes. and i feel like biting something.

The Saturday

took some friends out to try dim sums, bumped into some coursemates there, talked, wanted to do tennis and finally did, on skype with Kon and Nickey, disinclined to job search but did some proper job applications anyway. its an enjoyable busy saturday of laughing, jabbing, giggling and more laughings.

the talks, the events, the options, after all, i still find myself impetuous, commitment phobic, indecisive and rely too much on intuition and feelings. and i smile too much apparently.

Pauses

the air was heavy, there was light rain, smooth swooshes of passing cars, a girl a boy, and the occasional pauses for kisses while walking in the rain. all just becoz the boy thought thats a sweet and romantic thing to do - rain, moonlight should be followed with soft and tender kisses, he said.

cute, very cute. such composition must look like a scene from a movie to the passerby. there was ringing in the girl's heart. thats when she likes him most, like this, when he's trying to show his affection the way she never thought would come from him, just like his insistence of not taking the bus even tho they'd already bought the ticket so they could do the rain-kissing thing. and the moonlight thing, and the hair-messing thing. how could she not fall for him during times like this. how.

Rants

it hit me again. sigh. yes. i'm feeling a bit disheartened. friday aint as good as i wanted it to be. i know, there aint no point to even think bout it now that its not happening, will not and never will be so can i please stop sulking.

so i've a full time for a month and half, part time for the weekends, and socialising events in between, meeting up and doing things with the people i like, sound great innit?! but no, i'm not happy. i'm not truely happy. i possiblyl am when i'm around people but i kinda think thats just a cover.

how i'm becoming so jaded now.

sigh.

grate it off grate it off grate it off!!! i need this off my system so i can get back up. get back to being tough. get back to the ground and fight.

All it takes is one second

chatted with a kind doctor, bbqed, watched the hangover, sleeping over, hand holding, armani cologne, summer sales, and a paella. and then ga boom. an email from P, happiness is taken out from the equation. in a blink of an eye. 1 second is all it needs.

i'm upset.

its the end of june. beginning of july.