Benefit of Doubts

should i give you the benefit of doubts.

In a Nutshell

september's a crazy month. so many things have changed. yet so many things remained the same. sometimes i really do wish i could document every single bits of my life so i will never forget the things, the people, the encounters, that make me who i am today.

i am still on page 93 since march, that march. i was almost like a fish out of water a month ago. thought i have made friends but apparently not, thought i stood a good chance of getting it but aparently it's just my delusion, thought it was all sincere gestures but apparently everything's just a facade. you know R, sometimes i think you are quite right. it's so funny how i once ardently disagreed with you when you said things like friendships never last, that there is no one we can truly rely on for help or support, but i guess i see now where all these are coming from.

things are still not quite where i want it to be, but i'm holding on very well, no more moaning, no more sulking, just walkin the thoughts and filling the gaps in that part of my brain where giggles once bubbled up from. and i am just very very very grateful to have met so many other people who have no obligation to help to care or be kind but did.

thankyou.

i'll find it.

Stolen

and i still fucking miss havin you around me!

give me a glass of calmness, will ya.

Kindness

nice people do exist.

yesterday, i tasted a cocktail of kindness, equality, and the utmost warmth. we only just got acquainted.
the day before yesterday, i was given all the help i didnt ask for just coz the staff there thought i looked confused. i know what i want i was just being indecisive.

but thank you.

Wonder

all those maybe 'special moments'
all those kisses, hugs, warmth, given and received.
i wonder what do they all mean.
do they all have expiry date.
what last. what doesnt.
i wonder what more we'll have.
i wonder why sex doesnt mean anything anymore these days.
what do we do when its all over.
all the archived relationships. memories. hard drive. memory cards.
the passionate love vs conditioned.
the regularity vs the non-.

whose next. whats next. if the next's the last.

Chasing Sunsets

so i've been (trying) chasing sunsets recently, pretty lovely orange tongues of flame.

i've been thinking quite a bit lately, bout how my life has changed but stayed the same.

and the options, the wants and donts, the passersby, the chanced encounters.

last couple weeks been intensive, with the movings, the adjusting, the prep, the discussions, the birthdays, the applications, and the constantly wondering thoughts.

its into the 4th week now. i'm doing good.

Pointbreak

- i will think of you, what you did, what you are doin, for just a mere fleeting moment. and that tiny fraction of you in my life, in my thoughts is all you can have of me.

- its into the 2nd week now. all i need is to make it to three. then it will be encapsulated in the finest bubble glass.

- its been a long ride. long emotionally spent ride. but i'm starting to get the bearings right.

- time. i hate you. and i love you. you brought me in and you're taking me outta here.

- DM, thank you. KR, thank you maybe. SF, play it by ear. RC, shelf life to be determined.

- lush green grass twinkled with starflowers. breezes tinged with faraway rose and lavender. bread, cheese and a bottle of wine. it will come.

5 Seconds

time is all i need.

to dilute the wants.
to laugh like a baby.
to fill the gaping hole.
to feel i'm still relevant.
to see you.

and i have time.

Addiction

i'm just feeling spoiled..and finding harder to give up on such tenderness and closeness and the skin on skin.

and the unexpected pout towards the end of the night just to satisfy me wants! tell me, how could i not fall. how.

Night like this

its a night made up of butter and chocolate. the musky taste of the alcohol still lingers on his lips. one buttery kiss, two buttery kisses, three buttery kisses on my lips. my neck. my shoulders. mmmm. this is one of those perfect nights.

i hold him to me for a while. put my hands under his shirt to feel his heart beating. there's some exchange of words on random stuff. and a lot of stolen glances and snogging. fingers crossing, toes curling against the sheet, hair cascading down my back. the feel of his name on my lips is so. nice.

its like seeing flowers and a note for you. its all stars and moonlights and under the cover. its one of those dont-spoil-my-moment moments.