Tonight

12.45am

tossing and turning. heart pain. missing you. am a lost. confused.

summer is pretty. and at the same time painful. flashes of memories. i don remember the scenes much, but in the strangest of ways, i remember how i felt.

Expiry Date

i meant to write this long time ago when it happened so i can remember how it was like that day. but never did until i was reminded this morning when i walked past EP.

the talks reminded me of the spring. it was the best spring ever! all the lil moments we shared even it was fleeting. the chemistry. the bonds.

you're once my favourite person. and i always secretly hope that you'll be the favourite person of all time. what's changed? the unspoken expiry date? perhaps we are all judgmental. for a moment over the pie and lemon, i thought the air was clear. i thought we were friends again.

it was a good catching up tho.

So

there are still decisions to make. tickets to buy. room to enter.

win some lose some.

i fell in love and out of love. earned some scars along the way. spent a lot time doing things i dont know if they were good and little to no time doing the things i should be doing. its a year and a half now.

so what if i cry? so what if trust is a hollow shell? so what if love is fleeting?

i just cannot help to submit myself to the trap.

All Smiles

happiness is sitting on the horizon and yes. i'm happy now. this very minute. happier. bois. i love bois! bois are just like the pencils. graphite. gel ink. glossy finish. sanded. round. hexagonal. triagular. incense cedar. oh i have a sentimental favourite for the wooden pencils. particularly when the paint is thick. buttery and flawless!

Macaroons

all it takes is a good conversation. full hearted smile. a pack of chocolate macaroons. and the snowy wintry january can be just as warming!

The Crisp White Shirt

i miss you.

4.28am

4.28am. i was supposed to be in bed, but no. i was forced awake by the dream. a dream of summer and fresh sheets and melting sun which i've tried so hard to parcel away.

4.28am. i was brought back to the night of our very first date. and the second. and third...i remembered exactly how my heart was tingled with happiness each time we met. i remembered exactly the fun and glittery excitement of the exchanging of texts, the teases; things have so quickly morphed into sth you never had a clue about.

but life has this strange ways of doing things. before you even realise what this is all about its no longer there.

That's cause

everything inside it never came out right.

**

but it wouldnt change. it would still be a half heartbroken half contented life.

**

and the macaroons certainly had made the chilly greyish evening a bit less gloomy. its just too good to resist having the 2nd piece and the 3rd, 4th...

Bond and Bonding

its a mystery how we fall in love, who we fall in love with, why we fall in love, but we do.

life is a vacuum cleaner. it sucks.

what is that. advantages dread of loss?

Why

we always walk into heartbreaking things, or slip into them. just yesterday, i was brought into this whole emotional swirl. apparently i cant always trust my instincts.

i didnt admit how i truly felt in the first place. i was sitting there popping pills of denial while she broke the news just because i want to feel close to happiness. but really, i didnt like to know about it. i didnt like the sound of it. not even a tiny bit. its not the most pleasing thing to hear bout, especially when i was already planning to give it benefits of doubt, but the sad truth is its all making sense now, the timing seemed to fit in well, what was confusing then was made clear, and god damn it that breaks me.

oh well. my own idyllic wishes, thinking that things would be the same like before. why would you do this to me. why would you show me glimpses and then took it away. i have no blood left for this fever.

audio food - kindly unspoken by kate voegele