The Crisp White Shirt

i miss you.

4.28am

4.28am. i was supposed to be in bed, but no. i was forced awake by the dream. a dream of summer and fresh sheets and melting sun which i've tried so hard to parcel away.

4.28am. i was brought back to the night of our very first date. and the second. and third...i remembered exactly how my heart was tingled with happiness each time we met. i remembered exactly the fun and glittery excitement of the exchanging of texts, the teases; things have so quickly morphed into sth you never had a clue about.

but life has this strange ways of doing things. before you even realise what this is all about its no longer there.

That's cause

everything inside it never came out right.

**

but it wouldnt change. it would still be a half heartbroken half contented life.

**

and the macaroons certainly had made the chilly greyish evening a bit less gloomy. its just too good to resist having the 2nd piece and the 3rd, 4th...

Bond and Bonding

its a mystery how we fall in love, who we fall in love with, why we fall in love, but we do.

life is a vacuum cleaner. it sucks.

what is that. advantages dread of loss?

Why

we always walk into heartbreaking things, or slip into them. just yesterday, i was brought into this whole emotional swirl. apparently i cant always trust my instincts.

i didnt admit how i truly felt in the first place. i was sitting there popping pills of denial while she broke the news just because i want to feel close to happiness. but really, i didnt like to know about it. i didnt like the sound of it. not even a tiny bit. its not the most pleasing thing to hear bout, especially when i was already planning to give it benefits of doubt, but the sad truth is its all making sense now, the timing seemed to fit in well, what was confusing then was made clear, and god damn it that breaks me.

oh well. my own idyllic wishes, thinking that things would be the same like before. why would you do this to me. why would you show me glimpses and then took it away. i have no blood left for this fever.

audio food - kindly unspoken by kate voegele

Little Letters

dear white crisp shirt,
thank you for taking me down the memory lane.

dear yellow leaves,
you make me fall in love.

dear curly angel,
thank you for being kind.

dear unspoken words,
what do i do with you.

dear rose tinted glass,
thank you for dressing up the trails.

dear closet,
someday i'll own a complete set of you. someday.

dear stranger in red,
thank you for making it easier.

dear sugar lips,
i look forward to seeing you soon.

Hang on

the roots are still there. it just takes time.

Over the lemon tea

60 billion people in the world, and all you need is 1.

What's truth. How many version of truth can you have.

Benefit of Doubts

should i give you the benefit of doubts.

In a Nutshell

september's a crazy month. so many things have changed. yet so many things remained the same. sometimes i really do wish i could document every single bits of my life so i will never forget the things, the people, the encounters, that make me who i am today.

i am still on page 93 since march, that march. i was almost like a fish out of water a month ago. thought i have made friends but apparently not, thought i stood a good chance of getting it but aparently it's just my delusion, thought it was all sincere gestures but apparently everything's just a facade. you know R, sometimes i think you are quite right. it's so funny how i once ardently disagreed with you when you said things like friendships never last, that there is no one we can truly rely on for help or support, but i guess i see now where all these are coming from.

things are still not quite where i want it to be, but i'm holding on very well, no more moaning, no more sulking, just walkin the thoughts and filling the gaps in that part of my brain where giggles once bubbled up from. and i am just very very very grateful to have met so many other people who have no obligation to help to care or be kind but did.

thankyou.

i'll find it.

Stolen

and i still fucking miss havin you around me!

give me a glass of calmness, will ya.

Kindness

nice people do exist.

yesterday, i tasted a cocktail of kindness, equality, and the utmost warmth. we only just got acquainted.
the day before yesterday, i was given all the help i didnt ask for just coz the staff there thought i looked confused. i know what i want i was just being indecisive.

but thank you.

Wonder

all those maybe 'special moments'
all those kisses, hugs, warmth, given and received.
i wonder what do they all mean.
do they all have expiry date.
what last. what doesnt.
i wonder what more we'll have.
i wonder why sex doesnt mean anything anymore these days.
what do we do when its all over.
all the archived relationships. memories. hard drive. memory cards.
the passionate love vs conditioned.
the regularity vs the non-.

whose next. whats next. if the next's the last.

Chasing Sunsets

so i've been (trying) chasing sunsets recently, pretty lovely orange tongues of flame.

i've been thinking quite a bit lately, bout how my life has changed but stayed the same.

and the options, the wants and donts, the passersby, the chanced encounters.

last couple weeks been intensive, with the movings, the adjusting, the prep, the discussions, the birthdays, the applications, and the constantly wondering thoughts.

its into the 4th week now. i'm doing good.

Pointbreak

- i will think of you, what you did, what you are doin, for just a mere fleeting moment. and that tiny fraction of you in my life, in my thoughts is all you can have of me.

- its into the 2nd week now. all i need is to make it to three. then it will be encapsulated in the finest bubble glass.

- its been a long ride. long emotionally spent ride. but i'm starting to get the bearings right.

- time. i hate you. and i love you. you brought me in and you're taking me outta here.

- DM, thank you. KR, thank you maybe. SF, play it by ear. RC, shelf life to be determined.

- lush green grass twinkled with starflowers. breezes tinged with faraway rose and lavender. bread, cheese and a bottle of wine. it will come.

5 Seconds

time is all i need.

to dilute the wants.
to laugh like a baby.
to fill the gaping hole.
to feel i'm still relevant.
to see you.

and i have time.

Addiction

i'm just feeling spoiled..and finding harder to give up on such tenderness and closeness and the skin on skin.

and the unexpected pout towards the end of the night just to satisfy me wants! tell me, how could i not fall. how.

Night like this

its a night made up of butter and chocolate. the musky taste of the alcohol still lingers on his lips. one buttery kiss, two buttery kisses, three buttery kisses on my lips. my neck. my shoulders. mmmm. this is one of those perfect nights.

i hold him to me for a while. put my hands under his shirt to feel his heart beating. there's some exchange of words on random stuff. and a lot of stolen glances and snogging. fingers crossing, toes curling against the sheet, hair cascading down my back. the feel of his name on my lips is so. nice.

its like seeing flowers and a note for you. its all stars and moonlights and under the cover. its one of those dont-spoil-my-moment moments.

Mars

it was drizzling this morning when i left. its 1736 now, and the rain has still not fucking stopped. where i am seated now - at this wooden square table - i can see a lot, but i am very far away from the rain. just this morning, i was very close to it. i could trace the paths of the raindrops on my cheeks, feeling the cool of the rain, on my skin. i remembered the chaffing, the irony, the glances, the smiles that seemed pleased. i remembered the rain that night, and how i loved it most. but right now and right here, sheltered in this room, i'm detached from the rain. we are not in close proximity. and because of that, it has lost its romance. i dont feel it now the same way i do when i know it is close to me. know what i mean?

i am feeling slightly weirded out. rain is so fleeting. i would like to ask it a lot of questions. like why do you fall. why do you fall on me. why such downpours now. can we go back to the drizzles. and no, there's no answer from it. i once thought that everything happens for a reason. see, if i were the rain and i chose to fall on someone, i would be able to give a hundred and one reasons as to why i picked that person to fall on. but then the more i think about it, the more i think those reasons would probably be answering another question altogether, and not the question at hand. yea you are probably right. and perhaps the rain is right too in its deficient answer.

**

theres so much i want to say or ask. but sometimes i just think that there's always a better time to say them, like on the 13th, you know a more perfect time. but when that time never comes, i feel a sense of relief. like, geeee, thank goodness i hadnt blurted out what i wanted to say, look how things ended up anyway. yet, there's always a yet, theres always this persistent lil suspicion that tugs on the ends of my hair, nagging me, whispering nasty taunts like how maybe saying what i had to say would have changed the situation.

these taunts make me cry. they make my stomach churns. and they always make me ask what if? he said, why would you want to live in what ifs and but. i dont have the answers. i’m only human. i’m also curious.

there are a lot of things that i want. i want it happens and i want this to be serious. maybe it'll never be or maybe if i shut up and stopped saying things like that, this could be serious. but i’m not sure of my footing. this is like a strange dance and we are playing by ear.

right now i want nothing more than to just curl up in bed under happy orangey-red summer covers. i need to be tough.

08:45

she just wants things to be perfect. she doesnt want to hide anything. she's had enough of hiding things, hiding herself from the toxic humanity. she doesnt want to cry anymore. she doesnt want the doubt, she want to know that she's special. that there are special things. she wants moments, she wants affection and she wants be spoiled. she wants to give affection. she has sooo much affection to give. she wants to love and be loved. she has so much love to give.

but she's always entering and exiting at the wrong time. or maybe certain things are not meant to be. something not meant to be is never easy.

no. she's just confused. confused coz she has hold it way too close to her heart and that now she's to let it go, she's just feeling a bit lost. and the fact that she cannot explain the emotion annoys her.

**

one night. she's glad one night is all she needs to regain the strength. not fully. but...that will do for now innit. shards of heart. she'll have it back in one piece.

she misses the old her.

**

she's back at the wooden floor. the chocolate cookies makes her smile.

eye lashes, and a green t-shirt. that should be enough right.

Goodbye

there are just way too many things in that concoction to drink in. she's losing it. as they speak, her ability to distinguish the individual ingredient from the mixture is slowly tappering off. how is she feeling. she's wrecked. or maybe not. no idea. still groping at for what feels like the millionth time tonite.

oh yes. this is what it is like - it’s like moving from a house you have lived in for like, forever. a house whose corners you know inside out, know which walls have safeboxes behind them, know which plates go in which cupboards. there are your fav little knickknacks on the shelves, tubs of ice-creams in the fridge, the kitchen perpetually smells like good food. it’s homey, it’s cosy, it’s warm, it’s got you written all over it. you live in this place. you belong to this place, this place belongs to you. and then one day, you’re just picked up and thrown out of this house...and then you dun know what to do...

this is it. this is how it feels like.

**

she wanted to know everything, but now, she would rather not know. damn it!! its been such a long time now, hasnt she learned to bury all the unneccessary emotions to the very pit bottom of that black hole.

the 13th of Aug 2009 is an important date. a special date, the events of which warrant documentation for the future purpose of looking back and saying, this is when it began. and ended.

goodbye. my curly angel.

**

Wooden Floor and the Broccoli Soup

it was one of those nights of bleakness and dissolution. the chair blocked my views, the nails came off too easily just with the slightest pressure. our lives all sewn in with respective traumas, unfulfilled goals, unrequited love, struggles, archenemies, uncertainties and indecision. these things orbit our heads like weary moons still, consuming me in a thorny garden of many faceless, mediocre roses. i feel deprived. starved, somehow. repressed. oppressed. sad. lonely. disappointed. furious. cold. and the scratching didn't quite cut it.

i needed a dose of endorphines. i screamed. and i moaned. i was searching for liberation. and there you were. right there. calling. curling up with you was nice for however long it lasted. and that baby videos of yours, chubby and wobbly - i dunno why, but for some strange reasons, i like it very much, i like how it made me chuckled, how for a second, i forgotten to sulk. and all the lil gentle gestures, the snippet dialogues, the non-sense teasers, the tenderness, the skin on skin, they just snake their way through into me and remind me of just how lil things can make huge differences.

the night. the smell of white and the armani. how i giggled. and how you laughed, and the occassional emotionless response of you. you're sooo cutely funny. in your own way and i still find it very confusing to an extent how that had helped to take away the disquiet feelings in me. it’s nice to know that these things can be dusted away. it’s a good kind of pressure for growing up.

it was a time of pure bliss. i know i was reprieved. even if its short lived. so thank you.

Emo

last week was a mixture of anger, disappointment, flowers and hearts.

i was made upset. den i was made relieved. den i was made to want, to desire to lust, for a moment, everything was perfect. the crisp white sheet, the scent, the lights. and den reality calls.

**

emo emo emo emo emo!

sigh.

wat do i do.

eat sweets, sleeep, wake up, do the work and stop sighing!

**

Objects

suddenly, i just realise that we're on borrowed time, that time is always borrowed, and that the lending agency exacts its premium precisely when we are least prepared to pay and need to borrow more.

bombs never fall on the same spots. this one, for all my premonitions, fell exactly in my hideaway.

**

i feel like a dinasour. irritable and occasionally carnivorous.

yes. and i feel like biting something.

The Saturday

took some friends out to try dim sums, bumped into some coursemates there, talked, wanted to do tennis and finally did, on skype with Kon and Nickey, disinclined to job search but did some proper job applications anyway. its an enjoyable busy saturday of laughing, jabbing, giggling and more laughings.

the talks, the events, the options, after all, i still find myself impetuous, commitment phobic, indecisive and rely too much on intuition and feelings. and i smile too much apparently.

Pauses

the air was heavy, there was light rain, smooth swooshes of passing cars, a girl a boy, and the occasional pauses for kisses while walking in the rain. all just becoz the boy thought thats a sweet and romantic thing to do - rain, moonlight should be followed with soft and tender kisses, he said.

cute, very cute. such composition must look like a scene from a movie to the passerby. there was ringing in the girl's heart. thats when she likes him most, like this, when he's trying to show his affection the way she never thought would come from him, just like his insistence of not taking the bus even tho they'd already bought the ticket so they could do the rain-kissing thing. and the moonlight thing, and the hair-messing thing. how could she not fall for him during times like this. how.

Rants

it hit me again. sigh. yes. i'm feeling a bit disheartened. friday aint as good as i wanted it to be. i know, there aint no point to even think bout it now that its not happening, will not and never will be so can i please stop sulking.

so i've a full time for a month and half, part time for the weekends, and socialising events in between, meeting up and doing things with the people i like, sound great innit?! but no, i'm not happy. i'm not truely happy. i possiblyl am when i'm around people but i kinda think thats just a cover.

how i'm becoming so jaded now.

sigh.

grate it off grate it off grate it off!!! i need this off my system so i can get back up. get back to being tough. get back to the ground and fight.

All it takes is one second

chatted with a kind doctor, bbqed, watched the hangover, sleeping over, hand holding, armani cologne, summer sales, and a paella. and then ga boom. an email from P, happiness is taken out from the equation. in a blink of an eye. 1 second is all it needs.

i'm upset.

its the end of june. beginning of july.

Just Confused

there it's. its subtle, but its there. the change. was i glad. yes, well, no. yes. but maybe not. no. no. no. i don want the change. i don want to have to feel this way.

Moorish and Chance Encounters

thats what makes it click - a smile, some giggles over the infusion tea, exchange of korean and chinese, the difference that seems so alike, two men and one subject.

i am happy.

Over Tennis

i still never learned. i still fucking spill everything to people i barely know and regret later.

trust is such a tricky funny thing!

**

when incompatibility becomes diluted, what next?

Uno Stacks

i wanted to write about what made me happy lately - the chance encounters, endless cycles of winning and losing, the wine, oh and the food indulgence, but they dont matter anymore. its back to square one again. its crude. very crude. do i remember how to rebuild. the puzzle. tell me, what helps.

i just wish it could last a bit longer. the happiness. why is that never happened.

It Wasnt Just Monday Blues

sigh. it wasn't the greatest monday. in fact, it was pretty shitty. from the moment i opened my eyes, this awful gawky interfering heart wrenching feeling just hit me like it was deemed to happen.

no. i didn't get it! i thought i was prepared to handle the worst. but apparently it wasnt quite so the case. this feeling, this sinking feeling, shards of heart - not a very pleasant combination. i really hate it. i hate how it makes me feel so dejected! you know, i know that i need to learn to embrace failure, but during moment like this, i can't, i just can't pretend that i'm okay. knackered, i am.

i just wish that words can be my undoing.

What Could Have Been

so it was supposed to be fun loving and all, but then i made the wrong move. what was it that had gone into me that night?!!! where was my carefreeness? do you know how awful i felt? damage was done. had i offended something even deeper? yea so whats done is done. what do i do. i thought i'd be feeling so much better after the sleep. but no. it's still hovering over me like the shadow. its into the third day now. and i still care - i thought i wont i thought i can do better than having this shit affecting me. but hell, its pressing on me more than i'd expected. something bordering on i dunno what, something like remorse? was that it- began to grip me and seemed to define itself even more clearly the more i became aware of incipient daylight through my windows. for the first time i balked and prey to self-doubt- we should have talked...

had the liking i felt always been there, though camouflaged, and all i'd needed was a night like that to let it out?

i feel like a hypocrite. wrecked. and i want to swallow everything. it is eating me away, inside out. i want to see the sky.

How

how how how how how.

how to mend it?! tell me how

Chain of Action and Reaction

'i want you to be addicted' keeps ringing in my ears, even in my sleep it keeps tugging at me, straining towards me and now it makes my stomach churns, my desire awaken. i want his skin more than ever after all the talks with N and Y and revisiting the night before. the thought washed over me like water on a flower shop window. this whole chain of action and reaction.

i am i am i am falling.

At Quilted Llama

what was i even thinking??!!! yea i screwed up again! fuck! i dont know why the inhibition and shyness kicked in at that time; it was a perfect time for some stimulating interaction and i just had to blow it off like this!! he must be thinkin what the hell is wrong with this girl. i can almost see the puzzled and pissed-off look on his face. or maybe from the text last nite. yea the text last nite, and the response it elicited within me, i cant believe that there was this sudden urge in me wanting to patch up the gap caused by my stupid rigmarole act. since when did i start caring so much - has the fondness silently grown an inch taller?

dang!

AZ

in 12 hours, i'll be on my way to fight for the things that make me alive!!

Summer's Here

then i become conflicting with myself again. and confused. i had this heart to heart session with PS few days ago and pouring literally every single bits of my mind to her - how the butter is melting, how i've secretly adore the mint, and the white shirt that makes me tick.

just when i thought lemon is always my thing, asking for mint suddenly burst on me like the one thing i wanted most in life.

i am not afraid of nothing, so why be so frightened? why? because everything scares me. because both fear and desire are busy equivocating with each other. with me. i can't even tell the difference between lemon and mint.

and the question is, does it even matter?

Spill

it doesnt go away. the conversation, the stupid teasings and imitation. the trying hard to stop the racing pulse. the blush. the want. the what if. the could have been. all of it. it lingers around even after 12 hours. where do people find calm.

so much have changed. we've evolved at such different paces. what now.

i still have so much love for him. so much of it it could spill and i dont know what to do with it.

Revisit of the Hearts

here. just right here. i heard my heart aching for you as you said those words. you told me what made you sad. i told you how i truly felt which i never had a chance to do so then. you said i was always bout me, you never wanted to stand in my way and you can manage the distraught. i told you how i hated it when you said you can handle it and that i'd rather you said what you truly felt coz thats all i needed to hear - you want me to stay. the abandonement. the pack and leave. oh, you don't know how hard i was trying to hold back my tears when you throw me those words.

and this every-now-and-then-over-the-past-two-years-you've-been-looking-back conversation makes me want to hold you tight. to give you a peck. to tell you how much i've missed you. i could have denied so many things, but all this stirs and flutters and this heart-wrench told me that here was something more than what my mind has been telling me. i dont even know if i can call this the tender moment, it didn't sound quite like it. but it certainly felt like one. one that hit me right at my chest. ever felt that you have been waited too long for something to happen? today, this minute this second, it has happened.

is it goin to transpire into something more solid? i don't know. i know i'd glimpsed love. even just so briefly. i had.

Just A Bit More

may is coming to an end now. and nothing is pinned down yet. things are movin thou, not at the speed i'm very please with, but i guess it should do.

many months ago, i was distraught, constantly in the blues, and i could see the wearing off of my skin, layer by layer. its threatening. had i become desperate? i tried not to cry, i cried. i wanted to give up, pack and escape, to leave behind all the misery in the tunnel i'd digged for myself. faith didnt let me to.

the twirls, the circles, the hesitation at that very moment, and then a suave turn right on the beat, the skirt swing up, i laughed.

i just need to be a lil bit more patient.

In a Nutshell

so the past week was rather engaging, emotionally wise, in a good way tho i almost think that i'm goin to have it, that its my turn now, that i can finally stop running and take a 5 mins break.

met up with cuz, left southside with a heavy heart, given a part time unexpectedly, had a mojito, given a haha, pinging ponging back and forth with the commitment issue, met up with RB, eager to impress, finally impressed, given a chance to convince, and told to wait. its a good mix of the bitter and sweet.

the waiting. sigh. no, i'm not starting a complain. i'm just...wordless. the waiting makes ppl feel helpless. and i'm just tryin my best to feel indifferent towards it.

Undefined

before i'm aware of its presence and come to a term, it'd slipped off so completely. all it takes was just a mere 2 seconds.

you know, its just like you see someone, but you don't really see him, he's in the wings. the pain, the stoking, the thrill, the scramble and unscramble that was never really coded in the first place - its all so confusing.

Its Just Like The Ice Cream

ice cream - once it's melted, even if you freeze it again, it'll never be the same, it'd have gone out of shape.

Yo Beatboxer

current state of mood: high

reason: rose plus beardyman. he's sooo totally absolutely mindblowingly brilliant!!!!!! its explosive!!!

gawd!! i can't contain my blood rush!!!

Skin

look, this is what sends pulses - a good chat with someone you like that leads to getting to know her better and liking her better, which then leads to looking up on that website, and which then leads to finding sth that match your interest!!!!

i am excited, literally!!! i dunno why, i just am. richard bojar please say you have time to meet me. please say you've something for me. please.

and i'll love the you as much as i love the SKIN.

SN and GA

it shouldnt be like this. it shouldnt.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!

i hate this stomach churning biz. i hate this fluttering flushing pulse racing biz. so listen, you aint gonna give that out, no, you aint gonna do that. you'll get hurt!

but during moments like this, past midnight hours like this, all i want to ask is if i fall, will you catch me just in time?

The Beginning of

the anticipation, is killing her. with every second passses, her pulse climbs higher and higher. the room is so quiet. way too quiet she can even hear the flutters of the wings from her stomach. there was this buzz and this high. damn it. the aftershave. damn it. the desires. all she wants now is to grab a fistfuls of his skin and kiss him right away, curl her fingers around the roughness of his skin and melt into him.

their very first conversation that evening months ago still lingers on her mind. 'did you have fun', thats how it all started. she's a bit surprise how such random question could lead to an exchange of numbers and her promise to show him that chinese music aint boring! sometimes she cant believe how from that one day, things have hurtled and spun so out of control to finally arrive at where they are today - somewhere she can't toe it down properly, she doesnt really know where they're heading, she doesnt at all understand this passage of events and the walls of it. is it boredom? or maybe passion...that's just pure? or something more than just that? she really doesnt know. but its fine. she's fine this way, in a wistful and sometimes sadistic manner - this feeling of sinking but yet standing still, this feeling of falling in and out of dreams, is thrilling, is throbbing. well, at least for the moment, she knows this is where they belong - this place in between two lines and two boxes.

**

will you make the two lines into one? will you?

**

tracing your jawline with my fingertips while you rub the ends of my hair. laying my head on your chest, with occasional stolen glance and loaded exchanges, i'm drinking in the scent coming from you, like an addict. i almost feel like i have to tell you i love you. but no, let’s not ruin the moment. i touch my lips to yours, and press my palms against your cheeks. the soft kisses that linger. the feeling of the tip of your tongue on my skin. ahh, how am i to escape.

**

greys and love songs make you want to fall in love all over again.

Chance Upon

you fought, you loved, you lost - thats how it should be. right.

**

romance makes the heart pound. just like panic.

**

if i have a flower for everytime you made me smile and laugh, i'd have a garden to walk in forever.

The Ties

the ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. sometimes, you think they are there, but they arent. sometimes, they connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken.

some bonds defy distant, and time and logics. because some ties are simply meant to be.

**

there were phone checkings, mind wandering, small talkings. and then the 'how bout the night' just cut it all out.

**

the shrimp paste chilli thing was totally mindblowing!

Post-

we are capable of conditioning ourselves into feeling any way about someone as long as we are determined enough. thats how sick it gets, isnt it.

**

sometimes, just when things are perfect the way it is, we would start questioning ourselves if it really is so and then go on to dig up the smallest possible negativity that may not even be there.

ah. what the hell am i thinking.

**

Blossom Hill Night

there she was, skin swathed with white bedsheets; the room was still dark, not pitch black kinda darkness, the dark blue curtains had demonstrated its leniency to the morning sunlight, and thats enough to wake her up.

the soft rhythmic breathing coming from her left reminded her of last night. strangely, she didn't feel even a tinge of awkwardness - the whole intimacy and having a man now sleeping beside her seemed as though the most natural thing to happen. it was the comfort feeling she had that was strange, she thought.

what makes the difference?

before she could come up with an answer, he woke up to the slightest movement she made while turning to her left to look at him, she didnt intend to wake him up. with his eyes still closed, he enveloped her in his arms, and kissed her on her lips. gingerly, she laced her fingers over him, under his shirt to feel his heart beating. then they fell asleep again, together.

**

there are always two sides to a person, to life, and to reality - and they all take turns to reveal their trueself in the moments you least expected it.

**

anyways, it was a good night made up of blossom hill, giggles, checkin out, soft kisses, cuddles and stubble.

The Call

this was supposed to be a post about the teasers, the shouting and made up, the thought process during the train rides, and the letting go. but now i thought i won't put that down. now, i just want to say, damn you! you always know what to say!

you know, when i said that i need someone to draw strength from, i only had you in mind. your rationality, your aggresiveness, strong headedness, sigh, i love them and i hate them at the same time. you inspire me daily with how brave and mature you are. the indecisiveness in me, was now taken away - it feels like everything can be handled in a perfect manner jus through the firmness in your voice. and i can feel the ground again.

The 5th

things that are supposedly classified as 'prohibited' for no valid reasons no longer are. the rules break just so easily like how the eyes blink. what makes the difference. tell me.

i still have doubts. the progressive development of this seems planned. one x, two x's and the button's lose. blackaddar is only a cover up. and i fall for it.

there is an unmade decision. somehow thoughts are slower than action this time.

This is it

so yes, this is what it is - time tend to romanticise memories.

and when it does that, even the slightest touch gives such distinct titillation.

how am i to cut it.

the arousal of emotions has become involuntary.

The Truth

it is very scary to know how we always need others to make us feel good.

A Dose of ...

nite nite, you said. dammit!

why did you say that and make my heart flutters!! dang!
why did you crack all those stupid jokes and showed me Mylo and played along with me?!!
why are you still so stupidly cute and caught me off guard with this side of you again?!

undeniably, i'm happy. very happy its spilling all over me.

tell me, what is the truth.

That Bit of

there was a time when i believe in chemical reaction, and that when you meet the one, you knew. i believe that first kisses are always special, love songs can explain love, and heart throbbing-jump-skip romance is the essence. and when boy meets girl, falls in love, they will live happily ever after. there aint no guessing game, no hidden agenda behind the tenderness. everything is easy, genuine, people are simple and sincere.

but very sadly, reality isnt like that. life isnt like that.

and i start having doubts. do i remember how i felt?

it was a night of tapas, imax and a goodbye kiss.

i dont know how did it happen. that moment. i dont know if thats how i wanted it. that swirl.

Day 4

4 days running on the road - i'm a bit burnt out, in a good way thou.

great company, lots of picture taking sessions, lots of funny poses and lots of laughters - what could be better than these.

The Sally Lunn's Bun

its funny. what i was feeling.

last nite, i left southside. i left the black roses there. and my heart. its strange. i never thought it'd hit me. maybe i was tired. tiredness always eats away one's senses. i spent the rest of the car ride back to MB heavy hearted.

he looked extremely tired. and so small, so so small in that lil corner that contained him. like a lonely loner. nobody else's there. i dont know he if was happy. he said he's hungry, but there was nothing at home. only the bun i bought from sally lunn's. he said it was too bland, from the way it looks. he didn't want it. but i ignored that, and spread some butter and jam i stole from SL. den he complained why did i take so long to toast it. in the end he finished them, nothing left, just like a lil kid. i was pleased. and satisfied. seeing that inner child in him.

we took a picture together. he didn't want to initially, but i know dat wasnt what he meant. he's just xxxxx like this. to annoy me. and to shield himself. the pic turned out well.

in it, i smile and he smiles.

Stubble

its almost 2 years now since the day. there were nights where cravings were so strong and loneliness unbearable and i wished i could turn back time, but i'm glad i couldnt. i dont know how things are goin to be different if it was otherwise, but i know at least i'm happier with the way we're now, where i get to enjoy moments like this - no fights, no forced reconciliation, only exchange of words that are most heartfelt, teasings that are most welcoming and missing that is never too potent. it's so easy. and free.

the spring breeze is still on my cheeks, i remember the night you played my fav song i've only told you once. i never let you know how nervous i was then, rather i misled you into thinking i wasnt at all moved. ah...how fast time flies, you are doing everything you have ever wanted to, and better. and i'm growing up, becoming a stronger woman you have always wanted to see me become.

and you will always be in my heart.

The Orange Concoction

it's a beautiful sunday afternoon, i'm takin a seep of the orange concoction i just made for myself - the smile of a stranger, the tizi tagine, conversation bout the ideal world, and a bit of blueberry sauce.

The Climb

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it,
That dream I'm dreamin'
But,there's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

Theres always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes were gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side,
It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking,
Sometimes might knock me down,
But, no I'm not breaking.

I may not know it,
But these are the moments that,
I'm gonna remember most, yeah,
Just gotta keep goin'

And, I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on,

'Cause, there's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes were gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side,
It's The Climb

Yeah

There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an up-hill battle,
Sometimes were gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what,s waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

**

I'm seeing it too, right.

I Told You So

I Told You So - Carrie Underwood

Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I loved you
And suppose I said "I wanna come back home".
And suppose I cried and said "I think I finally learned my lesson"
And I'm tired a-spendin' all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted
And it's killin' me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you loved me too and would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feelin', would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you'd missed me too and that you'd been so lonely
And you waited for the day that I return.
And we'd live in love forever and that I'm your one and only
Or would you say the tables finally turned?

Would you say:

"I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you some day you come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so, but you have to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

"Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again".

**

I don't know how, but I jus fell for this song the very second I hear it. it diffuses into my skin. my hair. and that tinted glass of fresh lemon mint tea.

My Life Would Suck Without You

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again
Cuz we belong together now...yeah
Forever united here somehow...yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Either way, I found out I’m nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now...yeah
Forever united here somehow...yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go
Oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now...yeah
Forever united here somehow...yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Cuz we belong together now...yeah
Forever united here somehow...yeah
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
Over...

how.

should and should not.

too many things i want. too many things i need. too many hopes. dreams. desires.

how do i do this.

Traffic Light

yes. i have it in my hand now. i was relieved, for a good 60 seconds, i acted like a child who finally has her popsicle. i'm glad that i can now cross out one of the many on my pending list.

pure bliss is forever short-lived. it's always like this. always is.

i'm once again at the cross road. there are abundance of cars on the road. moving and stopping as directed by the traffic light. every driver seems so focussed following the signs. even the little boy in red knows exactly when to start crossing. it's so straightforward and simple.

Day X

to be very honest, i'm afraid. i'm afraid i'll be taken down once again.

the expectation, of what is to come. is thrilling. and scary.

would i be held in thrall.

As I Step Into the Lift

the phone rings.

i've been waiting for it for too long now.

as the woman speaks, the corners of my lips stretch, jus like this - =)

all the cursing and uneasiness in the past are now forgotten.

my senses are at ease. i see the grey cloud hovering on top of my head slowly disappears.

i will have you landed on my hand safely. right.

9am and 5pm

9am. i was greeted with utter despair.

at this very second, i thought to myself - c'mon, let me just trip over my own feet and when i stand up and brush the dirt off my skirt, i will find that it's yesterday again, and i will have made the call earlier, den i will not have to go thru all this shit now. but i didn't trip. and i didn't find that it was yesterday. it was still today, very much so, painfully and realistically.

can you take me off that rocking boat.


**

really, all i wanted to do was forget the reason why i was angry because it is about something that i have spent way too much time being angry about, and it is also something that i cannot change.

but you know, forgetting is never a one second thing.

**

5pm. i was given what i needed the most. strength. the voices from home. the sound of tenderness. and the sound of silence that comes after the comforting phone call. the permanance of it comforted me. it also didn't expect anything from me, and that liberated me.

i can never mentioned enough how grateful i am to have the people in my life to be so understanding and not blaming me for what has happened.

and thus, i can heal myself. far, far, far removed from the toxic aid of humanity.

i can hold on to my tears and stand up once again.

i wasn't ok when i said i was. but i'm ok now.

so, the last thing you need to worry is me. ok.

**

maybe its good that we do not have the ability to turn back time.


**

and so tonight i am happy. happier. contented. because of life. and your presence.

i love you, pa
i love you, ma
i love you, sis

To Sum It Up

this hour, the pent-up emotions finally evade me.

the kindness in you. from msn to yahoo. from the lil talk to the dancing dots. from the devilish laugh to angellic smile. and that asshole responds. thank you.

and you. for layaning me and bring me into your story. for giving me your precious sleeping hours. thank you.

and then you. for being so accommodating. thank you.

**

stepping back to observe the aftermath, i always think it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything. and whatever dat happens at dat very second, determines the next space and time.

it never comes back. there's no u-turn. there's only another beginning.

**

and i cannot help but to wonder, if it happens the second before, what could have been.

!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^

FUCK!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!

HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING!!!!

Rilek Jack

it all started with rilek jack. and my malay that rocks. hahaha.

i like the way you laugh. it makes me happy.

i like the way you make me feel. it makes me yearn for more.

and the lame joke on the blonde. the weirdo. the stupidity. they are just like the songs on my playlist. they never end. forever linger in my mind even in my dreams, i'm not imunne.

the conversation. the smile. the want. the never enough.


**

but i hate how you always end it so abruptly. grrr.

Unspoken Words

came across this song by accident. love it. love the melody.



there, was some time traveling.

some reflection upon self.

some exchange of words.

who would be able to live an adolescent's life, without admitting its tough?
who would be able to draw a clear, unadulterated line between infatuation and faith?
who would know the secret pains that a girl has in the closet of her heart?
or who would understand the feelings of a boy whose love is unrecipocrated?

and behind each laughter, is a wound,
that i refuse to see.
i'm so sorry.
the wasted kindness.


unrecipocrated.

sigh. it hurts to hold on.
it hurts to let go.
tell me, what do we do.

Yes, I hear the cry...of my own heart...

how can I live
so pure and free
free of contradicting thought?

To Zanarkand

blocked nose. i'm in a state of dissolution & sedation.

zanarkand. i dunno why but i'm just so moved by this song. every single cell of me, is soaking in this moment of silence.

The Wooden Frame

i knew it. i knew i'm goin to be happy!! hahaha.

that first halo is the killer. spot on. right at my heart. i'm dead.

**

i love the elaboration. can i assume that it's not universal. can i assume that it's target specific.

'you'll kill me if i tell you'. that cheekiness. sheesh. you know i will kill you too if you dont tell me.

i see the stirs. its so prominently visible. forever resonating it is spilling all over me. you smile, and i smile. i don remember the hows, all i know is that my hand flies to my heart when you gave me all the 'dens'. it's always the little details. innit. how do i not ache for the sunrise. such affinity. you and i.

it was a time of 'poooob' and pure bliss. can i drown you in the said pinkiness.

buhbye.

Where has it gone to

the ticking of the clock is scaring me. and the stillness in this room. its suffocating.

nights after nights. i'm constantly searching for the inner peace i've misplaced somewhere. i read, i forget and then it comes back to haunt me again. i just wish i could hide inside that displayed house.

i miss staring at those 8 letters more than i thought i would. now its not there anymore, when i need it the most. why don you just let me have a peep at it. you always knew when to say what.

distract me with your story please, would you.

Away

i saw you there. for a second, i wanted to give you a buzz and tell you how much i miss talking to you.

the dim sums mornings, cineleisure, marina square, orchard road, the stations - how much a part of it i felt in the times that we were acquainted. those scenes, and those songs. the constant reminders. there, was where i belonged.

i still smile. my heart still skips a beat when i see the pictures. they still see you in my eyes.

**

how. how do i take this? how do i stop missing?

Snow in March

snow. rain. blue sky. sunlight. they do coexist. just like how it's today. when you least expected it. when you thought you're covered only with snow and rain. and den suddenly you're kissed by the sunlight. everything is back to where it was. you talk and i smile.

i like how the sky is so blue now.

You and the Rainy Day

where do i run.

i'm so tired now. tears rolling down my cheeks. i'm jaded.

all these make me miss those days even more. those days, where things were so simple. people were so easy. they could be read like books. no mind games are involved. no mental tango in a cramped place, no explanation needed. i can tell a person i like him without having to worry if it is something too potent to say. we can hold each others hand without having to worry things would gone out of hand. we can lie on the same bed and talk without me feeling like i'm being pressured into becoming more intimate.

**

i hurt someone terribly tonight. someone whom i enjoyed goin out with, someone whom i felt so comfortable leaning against on, someone whom gave in so much for me, someone with such tenderness that i always yearn for.

he's wounded, yet i still throw a pinch of salt onto his wound and let it bleed. he's in pain, yet i still cruelly give him a jab right into his heart till it's all broken into pieces.

why couldn't i give in, just a lil? why couldnt i end it better? why did i have to be such a selfish coward? why did i let him walk under the rain?

i'm so sorry.

**

the door slid shut and the bus rolled away. just like that. so quickly it was almost swift.

one blink, two blinks.

all thats left is good bye.

Brim

sigh. if only sighing helps.

its entering the 8th week now. its so fucking frustrating.

what do i do. what should i do.

i'm irked. i'm in fear. i'm jittery. its eating me inside out.

fuckadidoodaa!

In Between

has it gone out of hand?

it used to be casual. fun. giggly. relaxed. cosy. with flowers. and hearts.

Almost

heat. pounding heart. skin on skin. fluttering of the wings. tingly. sizzling.

Us

i love them, but i have failed to prove.

i'm such a handicapped at this. or i am just too proud to admit it. i'm just too proud to let them know how my heart is always smiling after talking to them, how much i love the sound of them calling me da jie, and all the teasing of each other that no one else could relate except us - the intimacy we share.

i'm just too proud to let them know how upset i was whenever we argued over those stupid trivial stuff, how proud i am of them to be such kind and lovable siblings who always tolerate the bossiness in me, and how pissed i got whenever someone made bad comments bout them. nobody, NOBODY can ever hurt them.

they never knew how much i share them with the entire world, how i've always forced my friends to agree with me that my siblings are the bestest one could ever have in the whole universe.

without them, i would fall apart.

Letter to me

老爸话语（一）

大女儿大学毕业后找到了工作，老爸跟她说，爸爸再陪伴你十年。
女儿反应说：“好端端的怎么讲这种话。”表情严肃认真，带着迷惑不解。女儿想到了死。


二女儿大学毕业后找到了工作，老爸跟她说：“老爸再陪伴你十年。”
女儿反应说：“不要！我要多多年。”笑容可掬，露出撒娇态。女儿没想到死。


其实老爸的十年，不是十年期限这个意思。而且老爸这个词里有老妈的同在。老爸老妈是一不是二，只不过分成二个个体，分别活动。老爸老妈吵架时，不是老爸跟老妈吵架，是吾我相争，自己跟自己吵架，真是妙！


这个妙，你们要体会。这个“十年”不是十年，也要去体会。如能体会，那么你们也就能够进入老爸的心里，你们也就像拥有神通，只要动了念头想见老爸，老爸即时“应召”而至。


老爸其实是永在你们的心中。但是拜托，千万不要占据了你们大部分的空间，只需轻灵地放在某一个不太显眼的角落，要的时候可以call出来。好像二女儿的房间，东西杂多又乱置，老爸认为垃圾，她却当宝。不管多杂乱，她都可以找到。一旦老妈替她整理后，东西就难找了。一旦难找也就可能不找了，不找了就当作不在了。


老爸老妈可是永远的存在，存在在每一个孩子的心上。只要孩子需要，随时都可以call出来。


所以老爸老妈未移民时，要常常call，可以身历其境，真确感受，多一些温馨欢乐，多一些关怀祝福！


幸福是call。


一旦老爸老妈移民后，也要常常call，可以并用神通及其妙用，再显温馨欢乐，一样真实感受，一样身历其境。再领永恒的关怀与祝福。


这样的神通与妙用，可以说是：“来去自如”，也可以说是“不去不来”，

也可以说是 一朝风月，万古长空

也可以说是 刹那既是永恒

也可以说是 我们是一体，未曾分离

2009年2月23日

**

this is a man who can make me feel so wretched and loved. remember the day where i sat next to him, and he tried to warm up both of my cold hands with his. that's when he brought up the 10 years. that's when my nose started to turn red. yes. it was meant to be something casual, light hearted. but seriously, i dislike the fact that there's a time frame. i cannot imagine a life without having this man. nobody to run to, nobody to back you up, nobody who understands you, nobody who loves you so unconditionally, nobody who gives you such sense of belongings, nobody who would listen to you, nobody sincere - the thought of this vacuum is so pain-stakinlgy scary that my stomach churns just thinking about it.

he always has the most powerful magic to make disappear the edgyness in me, the insecurities in me, the many many things that make me frus, and then turn them into flowers and hearts.

i never wanted to cry. i am not upset. but the moment i read the first line, i'm like the burst bubble. all it takes is one second, or one minute.

Fingertips

that it is.

the tracing of your fingers along the everyday items, the textile of the dresses, the massages on the back of your neck. and the brushing of your fingertips against your loved one, tucking their hair behind their ears and then trailing down their earlobe...the lightly touch on the side of the neck...and the slow descend down to the shoulder blade. sigh. such a sensual escapade into a separate reality. i'm the slave to the sense of touch.

Such Evil Friend

Dang!!! you're so goddamn right! i'm goin to pen it down and post it on my blog!

Stupid.

how could you use that as a bait. you knew it sooo well i can never resist that thirst-relief sweet. you never wanted to give it to me, do you. you just want to tempt me and see how far i'm willing to go to have that in my pocket.

Evil.

Why can't you just let me have it.

Its only one freaking question.

Spill

where do i start?

it is a lovely night. good food. excellent company. candle light. music that soothe our souls. alcohol. the alcohol is bubbling nicely to my head. i feel happy.

i'm indulging in this nerves relaxing candle light moment. candle light. it always makes me drown. inhaling, exhaling, we are all soaking in the romance showered upon us.

he has his fingers running over my hair. the caressing. and the cuddles. i didn't move. i let myself submit to his touch. such is the tenderness, the feel of red wine and skin on skin. cosy. and all i want to do is sigh.

this is one of those perfect nights. when you just don't think.

i have a sudden urge to fly.

Because of Loneliness

because of loneliness, we fall in love with each other. becoz we are in love, we start missing each other, and becoz of the missing, we feel even more lonely. loneliness and love, they are always intertwined.

because of loneliness, we thirst for friendships, we start to mingle around, coaxing ourselves into the belief that we're never alone. and for the same reason, we choose to keep a distance with our friends, so they could live a life of their own, and we could slowly learn to find bliss in the sea of loneliness.

because of loneliness, we are in love with the tenderness showered upon us, overindulge in your mellow voice, i would only fall asleep in your 'goodnite'. because of loneliness, you think i'm special, even my non-sensible acts are seen as cute, you are concern for my everything. and that's how you'd get hurt by the mean thing i say.

because of loneliness, i started writing. becoz of these words, for just a brief moment, i forgot bout loneliness. for a fracture of a second, i found solace in the darkness.

Self Ego

i so wanted to talk to you and asked how things are with you.

but i didnt.

coz i can't. i can't when i'm still in a mess, i can't when i have yet to pin down my next step. most importantly, i can't becoz you're the last person i want to share my misery with.

they said, just fuck that self-ego.

the truth is i have yet to learn to let it go.

With Blueberry Sauce

reading back those posts are like poking holes on the burn marks and scars. they have stopped bleeding yes. but the pain they caused are still as glaring. surprisingly. its not the piercing excruciating kind, just enough to make you crouch.

when am I goin to engulf myself in the fire and leave no remnants to be scarred once more?

男人KTV

側田 & 胡彥斌 - 男人KTV




每次當苦惱失意
就有人哭红了眼睛
唱着他们的订情曲
对不起 原來碰倒他痛苦處

要吐苦水也許我不願意
十几个人关在KTV
唱着青春 仍苦得相當諷刺
讓我關門 利用咪高峰哭喊幾次

男人歌
唱给谁来听
受了傷 始終怕別人知
我和你吻別 在無人的街
張學友唱出我的情節

沒有歌 怎敢說心事
下一首
有没有你心情
你的背包 让我走的好缓慢
陈弈迅那首歌
是唱的他自己

沒有歌 做人
只懂苦唱怎去遮風避雨

一堆男人下了班不回去　
十幾個人關在ＫＴＶ
然而啤酒 仍苦得相當諷刺
讓我關門 利用咪高峰哭喊幾次

沒有歌 怎敢說心事
下一首
有没有你心情
我和你吻别 在无人的街
张学友唱出我的情结

男人歌
唱给谁来听
下一首
有没有你心情
你的背包 让我走的好缓慢
陈弈迅那首歌
是唱的他自己

男人歌
原来
唱的都是不敢说的心情

another song that i'm addicted to now. makes me just want to curl up under the covers.

Morning after the highs

i dont dare. i know, it's just one freaking click away. sigh. so yes. my guts are shrinking. and yes, its all bout face value. i'm just a coward like this.

**

that moment at the store where i picked up the little black dress and put it on me. that moment, i want to keep. because it resonated with me. just like many other things. the only difference is, i dont always have them in my pocket.

**

what have You planned for me? can i believe in trust. can i believe in tenderness.

i'm well taken care of. but why there is still melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass.

The Taste of

Happiness.

Pig intestines - crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. saliva stimulating. 2 leopard printed shoes - cute with an opaque black legging, sexy with a glossy sheer stocking. pulse raising. they sound like any normal kind of food and girls shopping, i know, but even the most exceptional pig intestines and shoe sound like any normal pig intestines and shoe. thats why they’re special. coz you dont know they’re special until its too late.

and my heart was healed, just yesterday. I don't know how, they are therapeutic somehow.

22:22

fate. what does fate know.

that this is the best situation for me to learn the virtue of patience?

**

i've been trying to find a way to comfort the disquiet within me. Cha-Cha gives me highs.

i'm edgy now. just throw me in the arms of someone who can give me what i want.

please.

Contrast

there, the coldness. its growing out from the pits of her stomach, she is getting tired of the uncleaned crockeries, blue carpet and the uninteresting start-up conversation of his. can he stop being so naive? and tolerating. she wants to run away.

**

then, those light-hearted, non perfect flattering words. they came in just right on time, before she sinks into the emoness. there are smiles and stars and grrrrs, all taking her onto a ride of everyday is a little joy.

He's just not that into you

He's just not that into you - its not a movie that will give you the 'wooooooooow' effect but nonetheless, it's my type of movie. Cliche as it may seem, I can totally identify with some of the scenes and the character of Neil (Ben Affleck), sigh, he has my heart all melted when he suddenly showed up at Beth's (Jennifer) house helping her with the chores when she's soo uptight with taking care of her dad who's got an heart attack and a bunch of useless sisters in laws. and the trick of his cargo pants - that was just sooo cute and cringey and heart-warming and romantic and touching and use it on me then i'm all yours.

if he likes you, he will call. if not, then he's just not that into you.

The Night of Cheesecake

The ultimate truth is, we always embrace our own kind.

Bubbles

cold night. minus five degrees. 2 a.m.
fav duck tongues, wings, and booze. loads of booze to kill the night.
i was somewhere in between drunk and being high.
head swirling. i was off the ground.
then there was a chain reaction of gags and dry heaves. mascara mixed.
the pat on my back and rubbing on my chest. it was calming & soothing.
the feeling of being cared for.
2 hours of sleep. it was surprisingly pleasant.
its a beautiful sunday morning.

Vertigo

The heart. My heart. its beating so hard and quick it feels as if it is goin to drop off my chest anytime. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes hoping to shake this off. i'm like someone who's deprived of oxygen with an unusual racing pulse. that feeling of implosion happening within...its undescribable. unbelievable.

how do you take my breath away.

how do you bind my heart like a straightjacket.

i can't stray.

all i want is to melt into you and fall into your eyes.

Lao Shu Ai Da Mi - 老鼠愛大米

This is on my repeat list now. Simple melody. and sweet. very sweet.

All I see when I listen is, candle lights, intense gazing, wine and a table for two. The emotion swirl it evokes in my heart...

老鼠愛大米



One day, I hope the person I held so closely to my heart will sing me this song.

Falling in love

those eyes, gosh those eyes seriously, are blowing my mind. those eyes with those abs, and that smile on your lips.

Pink & Black

fluorescent pink. and black.
the booze.
the girls.
dim lights.
cool breeze.
music.
the highs.

i'm loving it. very much.

also, the color of my nails now.

I don't know

After the phone call, part of me was relieved. yet another part of me felt grey. heavy.

then there's a warm greeting from SS. the man I'm so proud to be related with. He reminded me about dad's 60th b'day this year. and that if I was thinking of goin home then. He said he will.

I didnt know what to say. I feel like I'm in a total mess right now. I'm not grounded. I feel crumpled out of shape. and I feel helpless. helpless because I don't know where I'll be then. I dont know if I'm able to live up to my expectations. the realisation that dad's turning 60 this year, sigh, it gives a strong pinch in my heart. it is so glaringly painful.

then I remembered clearly the train station moment just a month ago. where I sent my family off. there was a little twinge of sadness, and a collective pain that hovers in the stale air of train station. it is coming back to haunt me now, when I'm most vulnerable.

I need to chill. to get this off my chest.

fuck the waiting.

4pm

So there I was. waiting there, steeping myself in other people’s cigarette smoke, passively leeching on their carefree happiness.

The sun is setting. it burns the sky this orange/red/pink/purple colour. and paints the most beautiful shades over the faces of everyone. the hustle bustle disappears, headaches and sulkiness forgotten, only a magical colour of rainbow flame.

now I'm falling in love with the sunsets.
all that remains is to fall in love with someone.

The Curve

I had a dream again, this morning. half an hour ago. just before i decided to force open my eyes and welcome the first ray of light that had sifted through the blue curtains. before i drowned myself into the sweet sappy dream and never want to wake up.

my stomach's churning. the stimulating conversations. the chuckles. the jealousy. the contradiction. there was such strong affinity between us. or was it just all fabrication.

I keep wondering. why have i always chosen the wrong times to leave.

Chinese New Year

yet another year away from home. I don't even remember how many New Years I've not spent with my family. Do I miss home. I asked myself many times. strangely speaking, it doesnt hit me much this time. could it be the stuffed chicken wings we made ourselves tonite? or chinese new year doesnt seem to be exciting anymore.

It's a peaceful one for me this year. and I enjoyed it very much. especially so with the duck tongue and wine. Namaqua Olifants River Shiraz 2008. Its officially MY favourite now. they complement each other soo bloody damn well i couldn't have enough of them. if only my stomach have a bit more room.

Happy Chinese New Year.

The Pig Theory

A friend shares this with me and it put a smile on my face. the haha kinda smile. i like the person that came up with this amusing theory.

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
if, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
in other words,
Human that don't know how to enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
therefore, Men - earn money = Pigs
in other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
therefore, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Awwwwwwwww. how could i not looooooooooooove this summary!

Sunday Morning

There.

The wait. the hair-do. the facial expression. the trigger to think of you. I extend my imagination of how you'd react in a 7 hours wait. a beautiful picture i make up of you and me.

you're frowning for a bit, but dats all you show. I know the waiting is killing you, I give you a happy sappy smile, wish it could ease the impatience growing in you. you tighten your hands around mine and give me a broad grin. theres no exchange of words. theres only unspoken love.

and a fluttering heart.

The things I said in the dream

I've always wanted to be seated in the front rows, be it in real or just in my mind theartre. Now, I think it's perhaps the time for me to take a back seat. to indulge in what the big screen can offer.

No. it's not that I'm giving up my fav seat. The truth is, I really don't need to rush.

Tuna Sandwich & Green Tea

I'm glad that I dropped by your place today. To have someone sharing the same perspective and caring for the same thing is indeed very soothing.

I dont have to brush my cheeks against the sheets and sigh my nights away tonite.

and hey, thats not even a pebble that I stumbled upon, innit.

Time, Space and Home

Luck has never been on my side and I always have to do a bit more to get what I want. like how the exact same thing others did was always granted with good outcome, but when it comes to me, all I was given was a 180 degrees ride so to make my life more 'challenging'!

Its always the space and the timing HUH. Same piece of paper, different time, and there we go. da bomb. Just when I think I've provided the answer that feels it's right for the case, little do I know that the answer I will eventually arrive at the desk is wrong. that last variable. that damn last variable.

Today, I was once again hit by a turn i never expected was there. Cursing, and seeking for some familiar voices, I called home. Dad was a bit worried the moment he heard me and thought sth big must had happenend. Heh. its so funny to think of it now. Then, he started feeding me the comfort I needed so badly. and the suggestion for some travelling and shopping for the bag I wanted but din get it coz it was too pricey were so very consoling. Skipped away the analysis bit, nothing beats the fact that he understands exactly how and why I was feeling that way and said its OK to submit to such emotions. After dat, mom shared with me sth funny she encountered today and by the end of the conversation, I was all smiling. the pressure I constantly add onto myself was gone for a bit. ahhh, there is just so much love within the walls of my home. Despite claiming I'm a very independent person, I've realised just how dependent I have always been on my family. I constantly need someone to draw strength from, and I'm glad I have you. The magic you played on me. everytime we talk, it feels like everything in the world is in their rightful place and all is calm. and everything feels just. right.

I think I have the coolest and bestest parents ever. I'm not cloistered. I'm never stifled. and I will never say this enough - I've the bestest and loveliest and coolest dad and mom, the coolest thing to ever happen to me.

Yes. I do have time to spare.

The Day After

It could have been better.

It will.

Make it work.

New Year

Tonite, the beginning of 2009, there were no parties, no drinking, no dancing, only 2friends, a couch and some orange juice.

**

Family's gone back, friends left here for good, and I'm in this room staring at the four walls again. The train episodes, the jostling and elbowing at every single shop in london, the sleeping together, the kodak moments, the teasing of each other in the past 20 days are now a collection of memories.

I really wish that this year would be better and I do not need to reminisce to keep my soul alive.