feelings a real funny thing.

i dont even know where to begin with all that i felt since yesterday till this morning in a span of 24hours.

there were so much going on in my head, scenes after scenes, fragments after fragments, questions after questions, but i couldnt really tell what they were exactly. i just know i was mentally occupied and taken over with my heart sinking into this massive swirl of emotion tumultuous. it was an emotion tug-of-war.

do you know when we had that conflict, what i really wanted to do was to hold your hand, i wanted to take you to one of my favourite cafes for some snacks while you're waiting to board, but i was angry. and when i'm angry i do stupid things, like pushing you away, and watching myself hurting both of us and go through trying times wanting to mend this in my head but not really doing anything real even tho we only had 1 hour left together. what was i thinking!

and then you gave me the unexpected phone call 5 hours after we've parted. you have no idea how much it meant to me. nothing matters anymore the moment when the phone rang. it was magical. all the unsettling feelings that have occupied me all evening disappeared instantly the second you said hello. it reminded me of all those times where we'd talked over the phone, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. and there's only you and me in this world. that's how it started. i felt like crying but i didn't. i didn't want to ruin this moment. i just wanted to dissolve in this burst of moments that are short but splendid. i'd missed you so badly.

then i felt a little displaced as i woke up this morning. i'm sooo used to waking up beside you, cuddling; now i don't what to do with myself. you are officially gone.

how did you do this. how did you make my life revolve around you.

Heartstrings

blue sky. golden sunshine. spring breeze.

random flipping through the messages. the occasional short exchanges of texts. memories.

i still remember how i felt when i hear your voice again after so long - it was a day of a lot of emotions. you've not changed a bit; the way you speak. the way you laugh. the way you'd frown. i can see your facial expression when you made that low-tone laugh. and letting me win anyway as it has always been that way (or maybe its just me who thinks that way). i dont remember the details of most of our conversations, but i know ive enjoyed the connection and the trust you placed in me, its subtle but i know its there. and that is the bubbles i need.

its always the little things. no matter how huge the gust of wind, its always about the grain of sand in the eye. like the out-of-no-where go to sleeep go to sleeep note. random talk on sg women attire. i was secretly in bliss when you talked bout the memories. marina parade vs marina square. its just sooo funny how such little things would provide the swift kick in the gut. even tho its from years ago.

i wonder, if you still wear that scent?

Goodbye's the Saddest Word

Mamma
You gave life to me
Turned a baby into a lady

Mamma
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mamma
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

Mamma
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you gave me will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You are to me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you always
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I promise you, Mamma

Mamma, I'll be
I'll be your beacon through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'till forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Till we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye

I Just Want It to Stop

i thought i could hold it, but apparently i couldnt. it hurts. i dont want to be feeling this way. i dont want to have tears well up. i dont want to have my heart wrenched this way. i dont want to feel vulnerable.

have i beeen too emotionally dependent on something that i shouldnt have. where is the old me, i miss me. i miss how i was never bothered by trivial things like this. seriously, why should i care.

have i forgotten that open wound? how many more times do i have to put myself through this? why have i not learned?

please. i just want it to stop now. please. i just want to be in control of how i feel.

all i want is to smile again.

Missing

after she hung up the phone, she sat there for a long time listening to the sound of silence. it is such a passively piercing sound.

there're thousands of thoughts and feelings running thru her mind and body. on many levels shes angry. but on the most basic level, and the one closest to her heart, she is wistful. wistful over everything that has transpired. and wistful over what could have been.

she remembers exactly how she felt of that moment, that moment where she tried to shut off on the other end and the minutes leading up to that moment. that sense of estrangement, that coldness from within that was scratching its way out of her stomach and into her mouth. the most important things become forgotten and shoveled beneath layer after layer, mound after mound of flimsy defenses and constant explanation. oh and that self-righteous pride!

where was she trying to get at. eventually nothing complements each other, nothing feels perfect; it’s always either or, compromise, win some lose some. we give in all at the wrong times, and so we collapse together, recklessly and without any tenderness.

****

sleeps didnt comfort her. she feels a lot of things. for a few fleeting moment, she was scared - she couldnt remember how she felt when they were holding hands, how he looks like. where they were. she ran through the postcards, the heart-shape pebble, trying to grasp for that one mental picture of them, of him. but whats left was just this blank. spot. vacuum. thing in her head. is this what it is. moving on? is this what it is. forgetting.

she had herself watching her favourite person on youtube, she thought that could help to ease that edginess nagging feelings in her. theres the scene, the eyes gazing, the morning after, the hand holding - it is a scene that is exhuming a lot of forgotten feelings from within her.

how could she possibly forget how he looks like. he's supposed to be always here. omnipresent. never leaving. what was she thinking?! there were all those laughs and all those nights - those heart-skipping exchanges of words with kisses and space invading. making fun. giggles.

she closed her eyes and suddenly she sees him, his face, his pink blunt shirt, his smile, that teasing grin. she remembers how her heart skipped when she looked into his eyes. how she giggled. and how he laughed.

****

i miss you.

Sensory Overload

tonight is a chilly nite. i wrap myself around with my newly bought throw thinking about us. the murmurs of sweet nothings. duvet cover. cobblestones. orange light. there's a long silence in the room after i hung up the phone. i miss you.

i can see in my mind the shadowy contours of your body laying next to me. the rhythmic breathing. and hand holding. i want to trace your jaw line, kiss you and melt into you. memory and imagination are so crucial in states like this. otherwise, with what could i fill in the blanks.

we almost missed each other. it gives a pinch in my heart when i realise how fragile everything i hold in my hands is. one insensitive utterance, one day too late, one voicemail not heard, one email not sent, one coach not taken, and we’d be somewhere else. it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything.

but baby, you're in my world now. i didnt say much when you poured your heart out to me. thats not because i dont feel the same. i'm addicted to you. i just didn't know what to say. i was, overwhelmed with the swirl of emotion and all the fuzzy feelings in the pit of my stomach.

i like the sound of the future with you. and when i said i want to be with you, i meant also i want to share that last drop of lemonade with you.

What do I do with you

heart wrenched. stomach's churning as i hear you speak, telling me in the softest tone ever that you're upset. but there's nothing that i could do other than feeling choked. i didnt want to tear. i didn't want to be the reason that makes you worried and upset. i didn't want to let you know how much it pains me inside knowing you're upset. but you're good. as always. you sensed it right away and the next thing i remember was that i was smiling again. tho still in tears.

how do you do it. how do you still have room to make someone else smiles when you're made upset by that person in the very first place. how could you be so sweeet and tender and endearing. you have no idea how much i love you for that.

i really wish i was there, in person and in flesh.

i wish i could do something with my hands and my hugs and tell you there's nothing you need to worry about me instead of being a phone call away.

i wish i don't do things that would worry you. i wish i could be a lil bit more sensitive towards how you feel.

i look back at the photos of you on facebook. the ones you took for my sake and the one you just put up. your eyes, your smile, your dimples, your expression, the child in you, then the man in you. and then i reminisced about the past months, keeping myself company with memories of the silly little things we did, all the cheekiness we were up to, all the snippet dialogues of the lover, all the meaness of me for the sake of fun and glittery excitement where you're always patiently taking it in until i'm bored.

i miss you. i lied when i said i didn't. i have tried not to think bout you so much but that just made me miss you more. i have so much love for you that it spills over. tell me, what do i do.

Moments

nose's still blocking. eyes heavy. but the truth is, she's never been happier. she's never had her feet swept off like this. sigh. le sigh.

there are so many things she wants to say. mostly things about what she feels inside but also things that happened. yet she doesnt really know how to. she wants to talk about the moment. that moment. those moment that tingle all her senses during the conversation. and all that that make her stomach churns after they hung up.

remember the utterance of all the sweet nothingness? all the 20 minutes to an hour and more. even the lil conversation over the fb comments and the pic? all she wanted to do as he speaks bout his concern is to hold him tight and make it all go away.

the laughters. the flutters of heart. the whole big mush of feelings and emotions that grow sporadically in the pit of her stomach. ah and the anticipation for those words that makes her cringed, no not in a disgust way, but more of blood rush, heart race coupled with butterflies in stomach - the zha zha zhu feelings. she thought the butterflies would go away as time goes but it never did. they can always find its way to sneak through her. that's when she wants to grab a fistful of him so badly, melts into him and tell him how much she's fallen for him.

sometimes she still wonders where they are heading. but during times like this that’s fine. during times like this all she wonders is how they can be so lucky to have met each other and be in love. so where they are right now is fine – for the moment, this is where they belong. this place in between two lines and two boxes.

Post-Call

a three hours phone call. an evening with butterflies in the stomach. a lot of walking-down the memory lane. she's now trapped.

all thats ringing in her head an hour post-call is his voice. there's this thing in his voice. she doesnt know what it is but she remembers exactly how she was drawn to him as he speaks, just like honey bee to flowers. those eyes and that smile, sigh, she can't help but wonder if she's ever met anyone like this mischievous yet irresistible. sometimes she thinks she knows him, sometimes he's so elusive, but she likes him most when he catches her off-guard and surprises her with a side of him she's never known; like that tenderness of him. that tenderness could so easily be overlooked.

the fond memories at the train station, pharmacy store, puddles of water, high heels, ever spontaneous and cheeky response that cracks her up all time, the sweet mornings and space invading, making fun, winbledon, scribbles of note, lil blue box - she doesnt know how not to fall in love.

it’s gonna be a wintry world of long distance and time differences, but she's really excited that in a months time they will be in each other's arms again.

Missed Call

this is all that matters.

the message. you. your voice.

i have the voicemail to replay itself. you speak, i smile.

thats all i need for the night.