Thank You

thank you.

thank you for wanting to do the best for me.

thank you for running around just to get the best for me.

thank you for constantly reminding me how fortunate and blessed i am to have you.

thank you for giving me a loving family.

thank you again and i cant never say enough of it.

Note to Self

note to self: i'm not gonna let myself to be emotionally affected by you. i'm not gonna have my tears shed because of you. not ever again.

i'm gonna learn to let go. learn to let go of the memories that have trapped me inside this whole emotional mess. learn to let go of all the heart-fluttering talks and roses tinted plans of having a future together.

there's enough of tears shed, enough of heart breaking moments. enough of attachment to you like this that only breaks me. and enough of holding on to the expiry dates.

dear sunshine, thank you for smiling back at me.

dear foliage, thank you for turning into my favourite fall colour.

dear post, thank you for reminding me to feel again.

and dear you, thank you for saying goodnite to me.

LDR

she remembers an article that was shared by him some long time ago when things were all flowers and hearts; and she remembers exactly how it had made her smile as she was reading through the lines.

love conquers all, and that distance means nothing other than a challenge - she had always believed in that. how could she have forgotten all this and the faith she once had in herself, him and them. how could she?

so what if you get hurt? so what if its not meant to be? at least you're lucky before. and i'm glad that i was reminded the once upon a time.

異地戀其實很幸福
有許多人不同意，畢竟分隔兩地，不能照顧依偎著對方，心裡的失落總是有的罷。 但是很多異地戀的人確實是幸福的，比任何人都幸福。

兩個人能整天膩在一起，固然很幸福，他們很少會寂寞，但是也很少有綿長的思念。思念本身就是一種最大的幸福，記得自來也大人曾經對名人說，思念你的人就是你的歸處。

擁有異地戀的人是幸運的，因為你擁有了一個願意和你一起堅持努力的人，你擁有了一顆能和你有著相同執著和夢想的心，你擁有了一份強烈到有勇氣挑戰可惡的距離的愛，這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

每當一個人靜靜的時候，想到有一個人和你一樣在堅守這如此脆弱的愛情，那種溫暖，不是異地戀的人是無法體會的，那是一種心靈無聲的溝通，是無條件的信賴。茫茫人海中，能找到這樣一個無條件信賴自己的人，這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

兩個人常常在一起，難免會大意，他們常常會一起吃飯，一起逛街，一起上課，但是卻常常忽略了心靈上的溝通。對於一份真正的愛情，溝通才是最重要的，它能保 持愛情的新鮮感，能讓對方了解現在愛著的是怎樣的一個人。只有了解了對方，愛情裡才不會有誤解， 才不會有錯失了的愛情。所以，異地戀的人有了愛情的優勢，他們很久都見不了面，有了心事，有了難過就在電話裡傾訴，他們的每一次交談都相當於一次交心，因 為彼此都能了解對方的想念，所以，在他們之間很少有了誤會，彼此都懂得了諒解，懂得了寬容。這難道不是一種幸福嗎？

甜言蜜語也算的愛情的潤滑劑吧，沒有一對戀人可以有像異地戀人那樣擁有繁多的機會說甜言蜜語，每次電話裡，總是無意中會說一些“想你”“等你”“愛你”， 即使話不多的人也一樣會說，因為彼此愛著，因為目前只有“語言”這樣一種工具可以表達自己的心情，因為愛的表達，其實都單一。所以，能堅持異地戀的人都是 深切的愛著的，這樣的愛在時間的河流里平淡卻激烈，我想這是所有人都會羨慕的愛。擁有著這樣的愛的你，難道不幸福嗎？

在愛情裡我最不怕的就是距離，只要真正愛著，終歸是能在一起。是啊，距離在那麼深切的愛里算什麼？什麼也不是。如果你們因為異地戀就輕易分手了，千萬不要 把罪過怪在距離上，你應該慶幸，自己離開了的一個並不真正愛你的人，因為在愛的面前，距離真的什麼也不是。所以,如果你的愛人也在遙遠的地方，不要覺得寂 寞，不要覺得委屈，要慶幸，你用寂寞和思念換來了一份真正的愛，那是別人求之不得的愛。

its one of those nights again. she has been trying to shovel off that disquite feelings within her, but it just keeps coming back to haunt her. what is wrong here. could it be the song? what was the conversation about? where was the affection? where was the cool? where did this estrangement come from?

there was a lot of talking in her head. there was a lot of pinging and ponging back and forth. and there was a lot of unanswered questions. she is scared. she is nervous about the sobriety with which she is approaching these things. she was afraid that things are going to go out of hand. she is afraid she might have sealed the deal. but in many ways, it is a very liberating fear.

at times like this, how she wished that...he would be able to take the distraught off her. but perhaps, she should stop being silly.

honestly, why does she care.

what has changed?

So I Guess

all it takes is just a phone call.

period.

how silly can i still be?

The Unexpected

3.30pm. i was sent the warmth of these bubbles. your unexpected hello from the other side of the world brought me back to that space of bubbles. a space without hesitation or second thoughts. a space with simple bliss and care. a space with genuinity and sincerity.

do you know how surprised i was when i saw that strangely familiar number flashing on my screen. i was nervous for a swift second after saying hello, unsure. i've never thought you'd called, but you did and you'd totally caught me off guard! sigh. how can i not be thankful to have met you in my life!

everything feels just like many years ago. you speak, i smile. when was the last time you called?!! even though it was just a mere 15 mins conversation, i was brimming with excitement and happiness.

there was sooo much that i wanted to talk to you about, and hear you share your on-goings. you sounded sooo happy and soooo... you. i just wished we had more time to talk. i wished i wasnt busy. i wished...

you had me smiling silly and floating away. and i cant help to secretly think that you're missing me to make that call.

So...

this is how it feels like to watch the fireworks alone...

feelings a real funny thing.

i dont even know where to begin with all that i felt since yesterday till this morning in a span of 24hours.

there were so much going on in my head, scenes after scenes, fragments after fragments, questions after questions, but i couldnt really tell what they were exactly. i just know i was mentally occupied and taken over with my heart sinking into this massive swirl of emotion tumultuous. it was an emotion tug-of-war.

do you know when we had that conflict, what i really wanted to do was to hold your hand, i wanted to take you to one of my favourite cafes for some snacks while you're waiting to board, but i was angry. and when i'm angry i do stupid things, like pushing you away, and watching myself hurting both of us and go through trying times wanting to mend this in my head but not really doing anything real even tho we only had 1 hour left together. what was i thinking!

and then you gave me the unexpected phone call 5 hours after we've parted. you have no idea how much it meant to me. nothing matters anymore the moment when the phone rang. it was magical. all the unsettling feelings that have occupied me all evening disappeared instantly the second you said hello. it reminded me of all those times where we'd talked over the phone, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. and there's only you and me in this world. that's how it started. i felt like crying but i didn't. i didn't want to ruin this moment. i just wanted to dissolve in this burst of moments that are short but splendid. i'd missed you so badly.

then i felt a little displaced as i woke up this morning. i'm sooo used to waking up beside you, cuddling; now i don't what to do with myself. you are officially gone.

how did you do this. how did you make my life revolve around you.

Heartstrings

blue sky. golden sunshine. spring breeze.

random flipping through the messages. the occasional short exchanges of texts. memories.

i still remember how i felt when i hear your voice again after so long - it was a day of a lot of emotions. you've not changed a bit; the way you speak. the way you laugh. the way you'd frown. i can see your facial expression when you made that low-tone laugh. and letting me win anyway as it has always been that way (or maybe its just me who thinks that way). i dont remember the details of most of our conversations, but i know ive enjoyed the connection and the trust you placed in me, its subtle but i know its there. and that is the bubbles i need.

its always the little things. no matter how huge the gust of wind, its always about the grain of sand in the eye. like the out-of-no-where go to sleeep go to sleeep note. random talk on sg women attire. i was secretly in bliss when you talked bout the memories. marina parade vs marina square. its just sooo funny how such little things would provide the swift kick in the gut. even tho its from years ago.

i wonder, if you still wear that scent?

Goodbye's the Saddest Word

Mamma
You gave life to me
Turned a baby into a lady

Mamma
All you had to offer
Was the promise of a lifetime of love

Now I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And I know
A love so complete
Someday must leave
Must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

Mamma
You gave love to me
Turned a young one into a woman

Mamma
All I ever needed
Was a guarantee of you loving me

'Cause I know
There is no other
Love like a mother's love for her child

And it hurts so
That something so strong
Someday will be gone, must say goodbye

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

But the love you gave me will always live
You'll always be there every time I fall
You are to me the greatest love of all
You take my weakness and you make me strong
And I will always love you 'til forever comes

And when you need me
I'll be there for you always
I'll be there your whole life through
I'll be there this I promise you, Mamma

Mamma, I'll be
I'll be your beacon through the darkest nights
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm
And I will love you 'till forever comes

Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye

'Till we meet again...
Until then...
Goodbye

I Just Want It to Stop

i thought i could hold it, but apparently i couldnt. it hurts. i dont want to be feeling this way. i dont want to have tears well up. i dont want to have my heart wrenched this way. i dont want to feel vulnerable.

have i beeen too emotionally dependent on something that i shouldnt have. where is the old me, i miss me. i miss how i was never bothered by trivial things like this. seriously, why should i care.

have i forgotten that open wound? how many more times do i have to put myself through this? why have i not learned?

please. i just want it to stop now. please. i just want to be in control of how i feel.

all i want is to smile again.

Missing

after she hung up the phone, she sat there for a long time listening to the sound of silence. it is such a passively piercing sound.

there're thousands of thoughts and feelings running thru her mind and body. on many levels shes angry. but on the most basic level, and the one closest to her heart, she is wistful. wistful over everything that has transpired. and wistful over what could have been.

she remembers exactly how she felt of that moment, that moment where she tried to shut off on the other end and the minutes leading up to that moment. that sense of estrangement, that coldness from within that was scratching its way out of her stomach and into her mouth. the most important things become forgotten and shoveled beneath layer after layer, mound after mound of flimsy defenses and constant explanation. oh and that self-righteous pride!

where was she trying to get at. eventually nothing complements each other, nothing feels perfect; it’s always either or, compromise, win some lose some. we give in all at the wrong times, and so we collapse together, recklessly and without any tenderness.

****

sleeps didnt comfort her. she feels a lot of things. for a few fleeting moment, she was scared - she couldnt remember how she felt when they were holding hands, how he looks like. where they were. she ran through the postcards, the heart-shape pebble, trying to grasp for that one mental picture of them, of him. but whats left was just this blank. spot. vacuum. thing in her head. is this what it is. moving on? is this what it is. forgetting.

she had herself watching her favourite person on youtube, she thought that could help to ease that edginess nagging feelings in her. theres the scene, the eyes gazing, the morning after, the hand holding - it is a scene that is exhuming a lot of forgotten feelings from within her.

how could she possibly forget how he looks like. he's supposed to be always here. omnipresent. never leaving. what was she thinking?! there were all those laughs and all those nights - those heart-skipping exchanges of words with kisses and space invading. making fun. giggles.

she closed her eyes and suddenly she sees him, his face, his pink blunt shirt, his smile, that teasing grin. she remembers how her heart skipped when she looked into his eyes. how she giggled. and how he laughed.

****

i miss you.