Strangeland

I want to do a lot of things, like build a snowman outside my house, watch the carol service, the gigs, explore the alleys, go to Manchester just to have dimsum and come back, read a book in a cafe, visit the country market, stroll along the river, learn to make mince pies, dress up to the club, dance with the music, cycle to the village, go fishing, but now that I've all the time in the world, I choose to rot.

Den I said to myself, thats coz the company is not there. All these are a moments thing. I want to do it with someone I love, someone who understands my analogies and giggles with me, someone who knows how I'm feeling when I'm confused.

These days I don understand the way I feel anymore. What I think will make me happy no longer does. There seems to be no highs and lows, and yet I'm not immune to the slightest swirl in the puddles of water.

And they say, it's all in the head.

Connection

I want to. but I dont know if I should. in the end, I wasted all the time pinging ponging back and forth and what Im left with now is, I'm alone sitting here staring at the four walls.

There is a sinister somberness in the room.

How long more should I wait.

Winter Snow

The falling snow.

This time last year I was so excited watching it falling merciless over me, the white snow flakes, the icy sensation on the face, and those lil puff I made as I breathe; i've always liked walking in the snow, the cold dreary wintry day somehow seemed a bit less gloomy when everything in sight are blanketed with snow. There were those dreams.

Today, for some unknown reasons, I feel numb. Emotionally and physiologically.

view from my room

The Gorgeous

I'm once again, in love. The moment I layed my eyes on you, I know it straight away that you're the one. The one I've been searching for. Everything feels just right when you're held so closely to my heart. The resonance. Do you not hear the call.

Sigh.

I never want to be greedy. I just wish you could let me hold you in my hand to walk out that door this afternoon.

Shopper Monogram Etoile

Call Lane

That little lane I used to walk pass every now and then has turned from a golden yellow to pale grey. Cold. and its the kind that hurts. Winter seems to have crept upon us. The forecast says its minus one today.

I have this frustrating urge to see that wooden floor again. and the orange paper lamp.

Thursday morning

Listening to Eason Chan's.

Saw the message.

Talking to you.

and the colour has just turned blue.

**

How. How could we see the lie under the mask.

Closure

This is what it is. The complete closure of that door.

It happened before. same story, same old trap, same intense smell of ether. suffocating. How could I even forget.

I dont' understand

I really don't.

The cynicism. the coldness. the callousness. the walking away. where are all these coming from? You're only so young. There is never a train station episode. theres no train doors closed right in front of your face. Even if there is, there's always a second train for you to catch. you know it dont you.

So tell me. What is it that you're afraid of.
What is it that make you closed yourself up from the others.
What is that lonelines about.

Are these inborn? Or is this only part of the process of growing up. leave them first before they leave you. is this what it is? is this the way you protect yourself from getting hurt? who's hurting you?

It makes my heart wrenched everytime I see you walk away from us. it pains me. I cant even hide it and I hate it. I hate it as much as you hate seeing the pain you've caused us. What do we do.

Roller Coster Ride

Sometimes, thats all we need - a harlo, a pat, and a pair of ears.

and all it takes is one second.

**

I've a roller coster ride of emotions this evening. Anyways, at least it ended with giggles and flowers and warmth. Thank you.

Mackers in the house

no wonder you asked me go read your blog. =p you know dats goin to make me happy, don you!

hell! you now have me both the corner of my lips pulled up and outward as i'm writing this. god dammit!

I feel so mackers now! =p

Zero Distance

She said, she feels lonely. there's always only her at home. alone.
She never know, she's not alone.
She never know, we're just handicapped in expressing ourselves.
She never know, there's never frustration with her, not even a wee bit.
There's only love.

and more love.

Harlo

I've chosen to sleep at 8pm and now I'm well awake.

60 minutes between 1.30am to 2.30am is when the clicking starts.

Its full moon tonite. I can see it from where I lie. the moonlight. its so bright I don even need to turn on the light in the room. Apologize is playing. the air is still. only your name is flashing, calling for my attention. oh. thats what send pulses, sweat and blood pressure everywhere. its 2.15am.

All the things we did. the memories. the sweet nothingness. I ve locked them inside my heart.

yes. you're so damn bloody right! I never want to let go.

and now Apologize is having me. All of me.

**
I want Maggie Goreng!

One liner

We are, who we were with.

Hi Again

the wooden floor. pink sheets. citrus flavour.

you and me. i joke, you laugh. and you joke, i laugh.

there are murmurs in the ears, gazing into the eyes. and soft kisses on the neck.

it was beautiful.

Nothing much has changed. Yet everything has.

Another weekend.

I went back to April 2007.

19 months ago, I dreamed of coming here. I stayed up countless nights, listening to Angel, and thinking bout you. 19 months down the road, I'm here, under the cool breeze like I imagined. I am staying up countless nights, listening to Sweet Memories. Nothing much has changed. yet everything has. Its funny.

I'm still the same kind of person I was before.

My mind still wanders, back to your door. back to the day you let me go. Its been a while. A long while I thought, but I'm still ... I'm still thinking bout it often. I wish I could just run away, to find someone new, to move on, to replace you. but the gaping wide hole you left in my chest, the feelings we shared, the giggles, even the fights, can't compare with the rest. they just. pales in comparison.

sigh. I've done this before. I've been through this before. Same 'ol shit. Only different day.

Random

October had waltzed by just. like. that.

I sleep. I wake up. and I ask. where am I.

Its Chilly

I never thought I'll ever like the coldness of winter but I do today. It's drizzling a lil. and I dont have an umbrella. Cold breeze. Deathly Chill. I enjoy the feeling of icy wind brushes against my cheeks. it gives me a thrill.

**

This is the second time. you are not the one rubbing my hand to keep me warm. Someone else did and I let him to. I didn't even give a second thought.

The Very Blue Sky

Last night before goin to bed I was still thinking what if I was given just a Merit. Would I be satisfied. Right now, I'm just. damn. happy. Like over the top of the blue blue sky kinda happy. Distinction!!! Hohohoh. Whats more I'm the only one in my course being awarded a distinction. Hahaha. Sigh. Its so hard to be humble and not brag about it. so let me just do it for once ok. Yes. I know, I'm vain like this.

All the hard work has finally paid off! What was previously stress and all the swearing and rambling and whinning are now a warped kind of excitement!

The Leaf Thats Turning Its Colour

I had a dream this morning.

I am in the car, half asleep. Right next to me sits a man. There is music playing in the background. ever so softly, so quiet. my eyes are closed, my limbs are let loosed, every cells in me are savouring this moment of tranquility thats only calming. And there he's, watching me sleep. and den he reaches for my hand, clasps it. It feels good, and it feels right. the warmth of his fingers and mine.

And he's not you. I don't know what makes this dream. Was it the sushi from last night or the coldness of the fall.

Little treat

I finally had my japanese food I've longed for at Little Tokyo tonite. It wasnt the best, not even near, but I'm contented.

I forgot how lovely a night out can be! So relaxing. sooo 20 years old! Candle light, wooden table, fishes, great conversations, lots of laughters, lots of making fun of, mango sorbet and green tea that gives you high!

How could this even be better?

Lil Happiness

Despite being mean and never forget to pick on every dish on the table, he finished everything I made for him, from the drink he dislikes the most to his all time favourite meat. so I'm actually pleased. =))

Tonight is the last night.

I'm glad I made the trip.

**

I found out sth by accident today which choked me for a while. in a good way.

Twelve hours later

Friends said its cool; guys are like dat when they live on their own. Sigh. why la like this. why la do I feel a pinch in my heart knowing that THIS is how he lives his life.

I looked up to the ceiling, the tears shall not wet my cheeks. there's nothing to cry about, innit. but you, you just have to break it for me huh.

This was the morning.

**

I'm angry, fleetingly so. The person you care most is always the one who hurts you most. Dang! It's only one damn download ok!

And now is 12 hours later after the morning episode.

The grown up boy

This is it. I was asked to help. and it makes me feel good. it makes me feel that I'm needed.

Its sad but so true - we always need others to make us feel good.

**

Here I'm, in B'ham, in Trinity House, in bro's apartment. Haven't seen him for almost half a year now, and sheesh, his hair is longer than mine!

and, how could he allow THE HAIR to mess up the bathroom?!! and he never change his bedsheet for like months!! or maybe longer. the funny thing is, I actually rolled up my sleeves to help him clean his place. like, very willingly.

Today is also my first time seeing him havin 'biz talk' with others. its kinda strange...like, gawd, he can actually do that? he has grown up apparently.

Den one of the girl said we look very alike. I cannot stop smiling. =))

Den he let me choose the phone first and actually gave it to me which will never happen if it were 2 years ago.

I'm happy. and it's not bout the phone.

Stop!!

I'm bout to go to bed. but I'm a lil bit disturbed now. Sigh.

Nah, I'm not sad or anything. I'm just. disturbed. I need an earplug. How can yours be melody (well, not literally) while others my nightmare.

Arghhh. It's about to get onto my nerves as I'm typing. Stop it stop it stop it!!!!!

I wanted to talk bout my trips to Yorkshire Dales but I'll probably leave it for the next time, when the time is right. or when I feel like it.

Side Effects of the 30 minutes

I miss you. I really do.

And the yearning for you becomes so intense after the 30 minutes talk we had. It becomes unquenchable. I just want to grab fistfuls of you so badly. To hear all the updates in details and ask all the questions I ever wanted to ask.

Moodiness and You

Lately I find that I'm becoming more antisocial. I only want to talk to certain people. the ones I'm extremely comfortable with.

I dunno if it's me or the person. It seems like I'm always inevitably end up feeling uncomfortable when I have seemingly fantastic conversations with certain people. I dunno whats wrong but the conversation just takes a downturn as if it has reaches its apex and cannot get any better and so it decomposes itself, until I feel almost obliged to end it for fear that the deteriorating discussion will mar the memory of this supposedly fantastic event. Sometimes I'm just so bewildered at how I can suddenly feel so tired. sapped. when I thought we're clicking so well. Den I get annoyed with the people so easily when they start asking questions I deem stupid. or throwing me with the same kinda question everyday I just wish I could shut my ears off so I dont have to answer them but I couldnt so I'm annoyed, again, and start shutting up thing.


Sigh. I want to talk to you. only you.

and then I had a dream just before I woke up to it this morning. in it was you asking me how I was doing in the most intimate way ever. so soft and concerned. I can feel my nerves extending its dendrites from the very pit of my stomach to the tear duct and then the snot duct. I just feel like crying. den I got up, feeling choked. Instead of washing up, I turn on the computer and continue typing where I left of last night. I want this moment to be remembered.

The 5th day

I think it is happening again.

The excitement has just gone down the drain after the 4th day. I'm not exactly annoyed, yet. Not yet. and I hope it won't happen. sigh.

Is it me or every other person? Theres just no one person who can make me feel the way you made me feel.

Why.

Zha Zha Zhu

The room is so quiet. and dark. there's only flickr of candle lights. I'm bathed in a sea of pink bedsheets that smell so nice. the rose and the lilac. The air is still. the world is asleep. All I hear is the sound of trickling brooks and flutters of butterfly wings. theres zha zha zhu in the pit of my stomach.

I'm lying on the right side of the bed, staring at the ceiling. I dont want to turn to the left as yet. I know what is there. I just want to savour this juncture in time. just inhale and soak it all up. My mind is racing, and with every second passes, my pulse climbs higher and higher.

Now I dont dare to move even slightly. I'm afraid that the slightest move will ruin this tranquility. the candles are half melted. I take a long deep breath. I want to caress your cheek, trace your jawlines, brush your eye lashes, touch your lips, kiss your shoulder and melt into you.

But I wont.

Mia

SM has safely delivered a lovely baby girl today!!!! and it just got me sooo excited listening to her child labour experience from the bursting of water bag to the screaming of pain to the contractions and finally the baby's crying.

I was never this excited when my cousin in laws had theirs. and I don have ten thousand questions to ask them. But SM's just got all my nerves kicking, and I couldnt help throwing her all sorts of questions. the anaesthetic, the incision, the stitches, the screaming, the pain that feels like constipation, the breast feeding, the sucking, and all those interesting bits bout the confinement.

It's one helluva of an experience even just listening to it!! scary yet thrilling!!

Welcome, Mia!

Broken glasses

i broke my glasses today. sigh. my cracked lips is hurting me. and i'm taking the pleasure of licking the wound and indulging in the pain as I slowly peel off the dry skin on my thin lips. i found satisfaction as the fresh skin underneath revealed itself. it looks pink now.


my brother doesnt want to tell me stuff, dat upsets me.

All over the place

Planning a trip is such an arduous process! yes. i'm whinning again. i love travelling and goin on road trips. i just don like the bit where i've to browse through the options i have and compare rates and email and call and check for availability. its part of the process i know. so i'm just whinning. i've already booked us in for 3 nites.

Some ppl don't whine as they think there's no point doin that and certainly its not an value added process, my question is what is wrong with whinning if it doesnt do you any harm. and please note that i'm only talking about my kind of whinning. anyways i'm not goin after an answer i'm just typing as my brain talks.

**
not attending classes and not working are turning me into a lazy bummer. i feel like my engine is wearing off. bed is my best company now.

**
I feel I'm a lil all over the place. I'm doin a bit of everything but none are progressing well as I wished. I've to learn to master this art of multi-tasking. and the law of attraction!

Susceptibility

I bought a coat which costs me 70 pounds. it was a bit of an Ooouch to my already tight pocket, but I was happy. I put in on once again when I got home; i can see the fashionably gorgeous coat and the glaring smile from the mirror reflection.

and that was yesterday.


Today's grey. I woke up to the sound of the rain hitting the window. the wind was so strong it swept the tissue box next to the window onto the floor. Typical autumn day in England. I sighed and tugged myself in bed, reluctant to get up. its a day of dot dot dot. I have become susceptible to the weather and the sun and rain and clouds. sometimes they are just not what we think they are.


Its Hari Raya today. Theres only Mun to entertain me. and I'm craving for Char Kway Teao.

Mamma Mia!!

Gosh!! I'm just sooo loving it!!!! it's one hell of an infectious and highly energetic best ever musical comedy!!! Absolutely dazzling!!! I was totally swept off by the joy it created!

and Amanda Seyfried, I loooooooooooooooooooove how her hair was done for the wedding!!! It's just soooo gorgeous! and Meryl Streep!! and the songs!!!

Awww! I have to watch this again!!! I heart Mamma Mia!

incoherence

I had a nice conversation with an old friend the other day; we rambled on despite how satisfied we're with ourselves, there's still something stealing part of our happiness away from us. we finally admitted that we need a man, or rather we want a man to be more precise. the i want a gift sorta want.

My OCD cleanliness was calling me. I spent a good 3 hours on cleaning the house this morning. I scrubbed the tiles, that stubborn stain is bothering me. den the sink, the carpet, all screaming for me to clean them. cleaning and scrubbing have become my permanent job. Looking at the results of my labour, I found satisfaction. Obsessivity is not necessarily a bad thing. innit. it only takes away a lot of my time. I have time to spare now. so i thought.

Yes. it's the brightest of day. I talked to many friends and all made me smile. but why melancholy can still find its way in. There're tiny thoughts and quiet whispers swirling in my mind, vaguely coherence, and I'm falling short to put them in an orderly fashion.

Its officially gone

That is it!

That is all!

=)))

It's the brightest of day! hahaha.

edit: I suddenly feel that the hahaha from me is so weak.

There's a spider in my room

I keep clicking around. it's 21:38 now. Desperado is playing in my ear. and I'm once again a slave to my emotions.

Unsettled. thats what it is.

I'm not daring enough.

I made my housemate to kill a spider today. and no, the daring bit has nothing to do with the spider killing.

Sigh. I just want to sigh away the nite. i'm not sad or angry. I'm just loaded with this feeling of uncertainty. I'm about done with what I've planned for myself one year ago. whats next?

Searching...

我想看到 我在尋找 你所謂的愛情的美好

Public holiday that doesnt concern me

For a good 5 seconds, I was bothered. Your response made me want to dig further, why cant you just say what appointment that was.

And then I start to think, why should I be bothered.

**
I just need to talk. Normally this happens only when the sien-ness sinks in. I'm not uber sien today, but I feel like having a conversation. whether it's one with substance it doesnt matter. And the sad truth is, I couldn't seem to find anyone to do that with. What is wrong?

**
Knowing you're starting to think bout your future makes me happy for a while. Its strange but I felt all warm inside when I was told you prefer me to stay here.

New accommodation new housemate

2 days of cleaning and unpacking my arms are so sore now! moving house is such a tedious process!

anyways, I supposed I like my new room. =) though the carpet is not as new and clean to my standard, the bed is not as comfortable as previous, and I couldnt laze on the bed to do my work coz the wireless internet connection does't want to coorporate, I dont have a lot to complain.




Past few days have been rather relaxing in terms of writing. I've stopped looking at the draft since the presentation and the feeling was just. so. great. Short break is essential. =)

Recharged.

One more week and thereafter the thesis will have nothing more to do with me.

I wish the toilet and kitchen can be cleaner.

Rubbish!

Presentation was over. I am super damn happy!

Then now, I am ... speechless. RPK, Theresa Kok and Sin Chew reporter Tan Hoon Cheng were detained under ISA!

Is this all 'OUR GOVERNMENT' can do, nothing but clinging on the rubbish ISA to silence all critics!

Explosions of Lights

I want!!

The desire is so strong it makes me crouch. clawing at the walls, yearning, longing, but always conflicted.

Wishes

I'm never really serious with making wishes, especially birthday wishes. I dont recall any of them which I'd made in the past 20+ years. But I made an exception for the one yesterday.

I dont know why I picked this year to be serious with things, with a lot of things. maybe it just feels more right now than before. like how the roses story between my mom and dad came bout.

Like many other people, I wish for a good health.

I wish to be more firm in believing what I'm capable of and that I will only be better.

I wish I can always make my parents proud.

I wish the ties between me and all my loved ones will grow stronger and stronger.

I wish certain things won't change.

I wish my learning ability will never die.

I wish I can love others more.

and I wish I'll pick up drumming soon.

Why??

the more i talk to others, the more i engaged in a great conversation, the more i think of you.

it scares me sometimes how every other person has the power to create this second wave of emo that directs me towards you. they said they see you in my eyes, and hear you in my voice.

why.

why do people always long for something that doesnt belong to them.

Tell me

I've never been thrown into a situation where I need to be worried for my family and feeling helpless of what I can do to fix a problem. In that sense, I'm well protected by my family members. and I'm very grateful of that.

I cannot comprehend why some people would do things which may harm their loved ones and expose them to be threaten by others. It's sad to hear story like this, it pinched me even harder when I was told of the happenings but could offer nothing to ease the pain and stress it caused to the person. I don't even know what to say other than asking stupid questions I know are just rubbish.

Whats best to do to take away that sad looking face and replaced it with a smiley face, even its just for a second?

I heard

a whisper asking - why didn't you call.

3rd of September

is a day filled with love, laughters, smiles, best wishes, friendships, and you. All of you!

is a day of flowers and hearts, sunshine and lemonade!

is a day I woke up to so many texts and msges and warmth and hugs and kisses!

is a day I'm so eager to spread my happiness and give all my cheeky friends a big bear hug!

I'm once again in love with the number 9 and 3!

once again feeling so grateful to be brought into this world, and found all of you in between the billions of people in the world.

Nothing else can quite compare with this delightful day when every thought and heartfelt wishes is fondly sent my way!

I'm just. very happy.

I love Fridays

and at the same time, i'm afraid of fridays. afraid to sit on my bed and face the four walls in my room. afraid to be hit by the sudden onset of loneliness.

this is how it's like - on wednesday, i'm always looking forward to friday. when friday's finally here, i'd rather it goes away. not sincerely i reckoned, i still want friday so i don have to go into the lab the next day.

and yes. i'm this indecisive.

Emotion you lil bugger

When emotion gets in the way, nothing sounds right.

I look at her trapping in her own shell, closing her doors to other people as though that will help her mend her broken heart. Maybe it will. I remember I was once like her too, am probably still on occassions, but thats not the point.

I want to help, I have her in my priority list. But what else can I do if she would rather give up the offer which is practically, theoretically and technically better of?

Goodnite

There is always moment of bliss in between that pile of papers if I care to look for it a lil bit more.

Today, you made my searching for that lil joy a bit easier. Your voice from the other side made me happy for a while. Short lived it may seem, but it has silently marked down its presence behind my back, down my spine, and into the pool of fond memories.

Goodnight.

Contained

Today is one of those days again. Sien. Not the nothing to do kind of sien, its the spiritless kinda sien. contained kinda sien. Nothing excites me. Chapter 2 and 3 are still not done.

Called home to look for some form of comfort. Cousin's family was in the house and everyone's getting ready for a big seafood dinner. I want to be there. =(

Den I made myself to take a nap, to nap off this sienness.

It's 3.45pm. You're ringing in my head. I keep clicking around as if it's goin to bring me back to the feeling of Friday. like maybe an email or a message on facebook will appear and I'll smile and Chapter 2 and 3 will be done.

The Truth is

I really do like Fridays!

and Bank holidays!

=D hahaha. Now sing!

and the best thing bout stress is that it makes you a happier person when you're over it. so, thank you for being a !@#$%^& in my life.

Shit! and a lot more shit!

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh!!!

!@#$%^&*F^&*(((#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesnt just WORK. LIKE. THIS!!!!!!!

YOU!@#$%^&*((((()!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&

Do I feel any better now?!

NO!

A good day is made up of

a racing heart, under the duvet, hugs, mahmood's, mint, dreams, smiles, ice-cold coke, wokeh, stupidity, nice hair, numbers, laughs, blanks, pictures, a phone call.

you.

To breathe

Of late I've been caught up with wrapping up my experiments and thesis writing. September is approaching. I no longer tolerate delays and all the waitings. I need the results. I want the results and I want them now! I become impatience with people, casual exchange of greetings and pleasantries become a burden, and the smile is hidden from sight. Excitement lasts only 5 seconds and I forgot to enjoy life. I forgot to spend a lil time with the beauty of things around me and it scares me how cold and response-less a person I've become and that I'm now like some ego-centric maniac.

The knot needs to be loosen. I'll breathe.

Less is more

I'm watching how greediness is crawling out from the pits of my stomach into my mouth.

I was given sweet the other day and now I want more.

Tell me, is less really goin to be more.

4.30pm today

Nervous. Excited. Blood rushed. This is what I'm feeling now, fleetingly so. There's this buzz and a whole big mush of feelings and emotions growing sporadically in the pit of my stomach. My heart pounds and pumps and whirls as I dialled upon that familiar number; part of me's hoping that you'll never pick up the phone, while the other part of me's eagerly anticipating to hear your voice. I was afraid, afraid of having doors close right in my face, afraid that the warmth is only coming from my side.

'Hello', you pick up the phone only after 3seconds; my breath hitches.

My heart is swirling with lemon and lemonade. this time, I've more lemonade. At least the towel is off the couch now. How could you use it as a cover in the first place. You said you werent surprised about the call. Were you anticipating it, just like how I sometimes do; staring at the mobile phone and wishing your name will suddenly flashes on the screen.

I liked how you still sound the same. You did mean it when you said you're extremely happy rite even though that's what I made you said.

And so tonight. I'm happy. happier. Because I never let that fear to stop me from what I wanted to do but afraid to.

Fear

Till I read hers, I only realised dat since last year May a small part of myself is always living in a closed-up state. buttoned, as how she puts it. I'm more cautious now in all new relationships with people and this cautiousness makes me build an invisible wall unconsciously I don't even see it to everyone who wants to get closer.

I'd always been the one telling my friends that there's no need to be afraid of getting hurt. and that it's stupid to fear for the 'if' and I'll never be in such situation. I have to eat my words now.

I've been hurt. and I'm scared to revise the feeling of having my heart breaking into pieces. I'm scared to have to look into that open wound once again and be left alone to see it bleeds. I'm scared to even think bout what if it's just all in vain when I've put myself so far out there, giving and loving. I'm just scared that I'm the only one who wants to love and the person I love will let my love slips away. It scares me how we all have the ability to break others heart when the person has handed us his/her heart and ask us not to break it. So I withdraw. I hold back. It's sad, but it's true.

but today, I want to tell myself to let it loose and lets be brave.

Mom's B'day

Today's my mom's b'day. and I was a bit geram!! angry with why the card I posted home is missing in action. its been two weeks, everyone else had gotten my gift except my parents! why la like this! sigh. =(


She can only look at the picture of the card I made for her now.

I'll be more geram if I din take a shot of the card.

August

I want a lot of things. but it doesnt seem like I can have all I want the same time. I'm in a pool of uncertainties now. Its already August.

A friend of mine once told me that I think too much. I disagreed with him. I like asking questions, but I was never really serious bout getting an answer. Whys are always difficult to answer. I might have always been on the wanting-to-think-mode, but I never went any deeper. and thats my problem. I become fickle with my emotions, my feelings. the moment plays a big part in influencing my thoughts.

Sometimes I make progress and I honestly believe that I am moving forward, getting closer to what I thought I wanted, but then there are nights when I am alone in my room, feeling so repressed and sharply bout the big chunck of empty space in the puzzle I was building. and den all my initial stands fall apart into a shameful pile. I sleep. I wake up. and I find myself back at square one, rebuilding the puzzle...

I still believe, but theres an invisible slit slowly showing its appearance.

The Difference

Sometimes, people just respond a bit strangely. Yesterday, I see how politeness loses its charm. Nothing was wrong, it just takes all the fun out of something that should be light-hearted, giggly and happy. So I was a little bit angry, a little bit wistful, a little bit happy, a little bit sad.

Today, I was given two words.

Hit the wokeh and buh-bye button, and I'm all yours.

The Leak

There are like thousand things running on my mind now. All the bits and pieces. random. no ordering. no relevance. It's like the leak in my bathroom. no matter how hard I tried to tighten the tap, it is still leaking. It needs a plumber. I need a joker.

I'm extremely tired. maybe becoz of the period. but i couldn't get into sleep.

And everyone else is sleeping.

I'm so

Damn grrrrrr.

I'm not asking for a thank you! So polite for what! Make me feel so argggggggggggh and want to punch you so you can gimme a lil more expression!

Stupid. Why am I still having expectation!

The Next Dawn...

下一个天亮 郭静



A song. a story. and a teardrop. I'm currently addicted to this song.

lil thing that made me happy

Just one minute ago I was feeling all so spiritless. Grey.

Den I saw the picture of you indulging yourself in the luxury 5 stars hotel, wearing a white bath robe sitting on the couch acting as if you're the boss with that ever-so-stupid-punch-me-face expression!! Hahaha. I burst out laughing immediately. Why la you have to look so funny in the picture. =p

You've done a good job! tell me, how can I not like poking you. We must be good friends forever and ever and ever and ever and you will keep that funniest side of you which has never failed to make me laugh till we age ok.

She feels

lonely...

Its not about the lemon

What makes you think that I'm a nice person. and don't act as if we're very close friends. we're not!

I'm not always right. I can't expect you to think like me. But please respect when I say what I say. There's no such thing as 'can-la, it's only bla bla bla'. That's mine. not yours. You borrow, you return.

The truth is, there are many layers of friends. Be it it's me who've self-categorised them, or they just happen to fall into the respective layers, please don't expect me to treat everyone the same. I don't like you, it's all written on my face. Complacency and always assume your friend is ok with your action and behaviour are not a good idea. Watch for the boundaries.

Past midnight...

I just came back from the Jade. Amy's invited me to her b'day party on the 5th Aug, it's a Tuesday.

Den, as if it's the most natural thing to do, I switched my glance to the next column of the table calendar I've pasted on the left side of my wall. Yours on the following Wednesday. With the next blink of eyes, my head turned to the right side of the wall, and I saw mine. its a wednesday too. And suddenly, a connection was formed on my mind right away even before I made the realisation of 'aaaaaaaahh-huh'. we're connected, by the number of three. theres a 3 in yours, and theres a 3 in mine, and 3 has been my fav number. I've finally know why I've liked you.

aaaaaaaah-huh.

Can you

Keep a distance from me!!

Ice and Fire

Den she realised, it's not because she's missing him that she wants to talk to him. it's more like she knows the response she gets from him can only make her grrr and leave her no other choice but to stay focus. it's more like she knows that that is the only way to have all her wants and cravings to be forced withdrawn. somehow when ice meets fire, it doesnt melt, but rather the fire's put off.

Sometimes, thats what she needs.


**
And The Dark Knight. omg. it's just sooo whhhhhhhhhhhoaaaaaaaaaa!!! besides all the cool gadgets and inventions (the batpod, two words, absolutely mind-blowing!!!), I'm all influenced by the joker's lip licking act! and I looooooove the plot!! very well written. everytime when I thought that is it, there're just more behind to suprise me!

'why so serious'

Food, and more food

Tell me, are you hungry yet? Look at the colourful table of food! from appertizer to noodles to chicken to pork to beef to seafood, we had it all. and I think b'day celebration should be about food rather than alcohol! alcohol can come later, much later.

I'm seriously missing the days of spending hours on a table of food.

And I can't wait to go home and have a big dinner on a round table with like 5 to 6 friends so we can order 6 to 7 dishes!

It's not like this

Have I cared a tad too much? or was the message not communicated rightly. or was it the attitude problem?

Sigh. It seems like it's not always when you want to give you get to give. I was a bit upset. Upset by how a supposedly casual conversation had became an arguement. emotional.

My weekend

The lovely sun, the blue sky and the ubiquitous puffy clouds, today is a perfect day to stay outdoor. And so we'd a 3 hours no break of tennis! I've never felt so good to sweat! and I'm all so like a charcoal now, very super duper ugly coz the tanness is unevenly distributed throughout my face and neck. Grrr. But I'm actually happy, not becoz of the tan thou. I love my racket! Haha.

Two of my guy friends said my new hair cut looks weird on me! Hmph! Only the girls said it looks great. and so I answered, 'it's actually nice but coz I din blow dry my hair today so it's gone a bit wild'. where in fact all I wanted to say was, why not nice, why why why why why and make them say it's nice on me. Ok, it's a bit out of shape yesterday, I was having a bad hair day. But, this is not the point. The point is, they claimed that only the male's comment is more important and should be taken coz thats just how it works. Ha!

I'm slowly getting immune to the turbidity probe thats forever tempremental.

I'm anticipating for what I'll get next week!! Cant wait!

and I was dared to do the most unexpected thing in my life today. hohoho.

Transition

I like today!

I've bought myself a new tennis racket. and I've got a hair cut I'm satisfied with. Sigh. Splurging always makes ppl happy. Why.

And I think how you feel the moment you wake up in the morning affects the rest of the day. Today, I only want to smile.

Relaxing day

It's Friday again. After almost one month of sulkiness, today I can see the corner of my lips pulling outward. like this =)

Then, the person I was complaining bout suddenly is not that not likeable now.

And I slowly realised what a person needs to get my attention.

...

I'm all drawn to his voice. watching his fingers playfully heating the keyboard, building up the best melody. Along with his trademark smile, my heart's melted, like how the vanilla ice-cream melts when it meets the heat in the mouth. And that after taste...it lingers on in my head, luring me wanting for more. and more.

Suddenly, all the angers all the grudges are gone.

now sing me a song.

towards the limit

I'm angry! I'm pissed! and I'm disappointed!

I wished I could just yell at you and tell you why you do not deserve a wee bit of my respect.

I wished I could list down to you the number of times you're late or never there when we'd made an appointment.

I wished I could tell you that, saying I'm sorry when you're late or I'm busy, could we arrange another time to meet is a very basic manner an individual should have. Everyone is busy, it doesnt mean that just becoz you're up there you then have the right to delay and cancel any appointment as you wish WITHOUT informing the relevant party.

I wished I could tell you that, it is very rude of you to shove us off like that and not apologise as if this is how things should be when you're the one who couldnt keep up with your schedule.

I wished I could tell you that, it's good to listen to what others have to say/comment sometimes rather than thinking you're more superior and more experienced, when in fact you're not.

I wished I could tell you that you lack the attributes to be in the position you are now.

But I couldnt. I just have to suck it up! I can only suck it up. and I hate doin this!

a lil smile for the day

Lil joy I have for a Monday evening, despite an awful morning that almost killed me!

I've got the peak I'm longing to see, and I've got the crystal I'm dying to get!! They are not perfect yet, but hey at least I see a crack in the bottleneck ok.

And I like speaking to Hammond. Everything seems to make more sense when coming from him. And seriously, I think this is how a supervisor should be like, supporting the students when they are confused, have a lil talk with them to find out the problems they are facing, and really mean it when you say work as a team, instead of sayin, 'oh, thats for you to find out, this is how research is and you gotta be independent bla bla bla shit!'. Screw this shit!

OK. I shall not spoil my mood by digressing this supposedly a happy post into a rant.

8 more weeks! I just can't wait man! cant wait to get out of this bloody place! =p

You appeared again

You appeared again.

I thought I'd made myself to forget all the yearnings, all the missings, all the 9pms, of you, of the warmth, the past. But at this hour, I realise I've forgotten to forget. why. why now. I'm just like a child longing for a popsicle in a hot day. and I only want the orange flavored one.

I sometimes think, is it because you're the only one I've hold so close to my heart, and that I'm deprived of numbers, that I've only you to think of, nobody else. Maybe. and it's a big maybe. I'm sure it's not the same, but I just can't seem to bring you out of the picture when I watch those scenes and listen to those songs. They are like waves of bubbles. Appear, then disappear, and reappear again.


The past few days have been lemoney for me. The experiments are still not working. The clock is still ticking. and I'm still looking for miracle.

The magic of cards

The cards made me happy. The process of making cards made me happy. The thoughts of them and how their happy faces would be like when they see the cards made me happy.

To be happy is simple. It is true that by giving you gain satisfaction with life, with yourself..it's the 'want' to do something for your loved ones, just like how every morning when I'm making myself breakfast, I want to make you one too.

Thats the feeling isnt it. Sincerely, truely, unconditionally wanting and wishing and hoping they are happy.

You and I

if you're broken, i'll fix you
if you're lonely, i'll miss you
when you're whole again, you'll forget
that you and i ever met

Aint this just so true?

Who is you and who is I?

What I m missing

I sometimes ask, with a lil pinch of sadness, why am I not your happiness anymore?

The answer is obvious, I knew it. But I can only pretend I didn't know for I was too afraid to face the naked truth. Dignity, thats why.

What I'm missing were those days where we could talk about everything and anything;

What I'm missing were those days where we made plans and dreams together;

What I'm missing were those days when we fought, I still want to love you more;

and I remembered the b'day that year,
I remembered the song that was playing, the starry night,
my right hand was so tightly held by yours,
my heart could never be warmer,

who, has forgotten,

who, still remembers.

Condom, Cig, Fujifilm

This morning I woke up to a real funny dream.

Of all things, all things, I bought you a pack of condom labelled Fujifilm or Fuji light or something along that line, with a picture of a cig as a cover in this multipurpose shop. You know how dreams are so amazing you can have just everything you want. It'll be right there. Magical. I dont know how such condom packaging comes about, condom, cig and fujifilm, but I decided thats the reason why I bought it straight away when I layed my eyes on it, and I was goin to post it to you. Yes. I'm goin to post you a pack of condom all the way from Leeds to KL.

Then I got up, thinking. Why am I buying you condom when I'm not physically there. So I decided to modify the ending of the dream myself. no, I'm not goin to give it to you for you to use it on others. even its jus a dream. blek.

Its just not any other day

It is so absolutely completely true. All that matters is how others make you feel.

Today, is not just any other day. It's a day of kindness, of sincerity, of sunshine, of flowers. There's singing in my heart. I've not felt this way for a long time I thought lending a hand without asking something for return is towards extinction, but his coming to me, his sincerity of trying to help, his attention and concentration while listening to my problems, his offering of subsequent help if needed, made my misery suddenly turned into 1 inch short.

That gentle gesture, that smile. I'm seeing lights now.

Little Happiness I Found

How I love facebook so much now! Those lil msges, those comments, those smiles...they are the food to my soul. =)

There is always happiness in every corner, so cliche, but very true. if not, just hit the ice cream eh. Ive recently channeled all my sulkiness to that tub of belgium chocolate ice-cream, and very strangely, it worked just so well in makin me feel better. I wonder what's in it that gives me such a pleasure.

Come, lets cheers to every lil good thing in life.

Belonging

Of late, I've been working a lot with my emotions.

The frustration with all the problems that never end, the discomfort and stress of not being on par, and repeatedly being let down when I thought I can get the support I needed. the hurtful moments. and not being heard when you're actually asked to talk, to express yourself. It seems so weird yet common, this seemingly involuntary action of people.

I could only bite my lower lip so hard to prevent the tears from welling up. The sense of belonging I constantly search for is no where to be seen.

simply random

All I want is to stare at the sky. the sun-setting. Den I remembered, this picture which I took yesterday that made me really happy. And the 1/3 rule I learnt from James to take nicer pic.

Can I ask for a sunshine tomorrow?

I don't like today

I'm tired. pissed. and upset. and very very very tired.

I'm so tired to even complain.

I don't like today.

rain

I'm happy. Refreshing and rejuvenating.

Today. I like the taste of rain. =)

Us

I've just came back from a lil weekend getaway. It was the best trip ever, so nice and lovely! Both Glasgow and Edinburgh are gorgeous, totally gorgeous I regret for not choosing scotland but england now! but thats not what i wanted to talk bout. What I want to pen down is u and me and us and we. nothing beats spending hours talkin and talkin and poking and laughing and teasing each others. sigh, those good old sepia tinted memories!


We all agreed, anywhere can be a better place to live. The key is having the right people with us, around us. it's bout the connection. the togetherness.


Somewhere, a clock is ticking. all we are doin is to keep moving forward so as to not be left behind. But today, I like how it brought us back to 10 years ago. Over the tea cups, we're still the 16 years old blue uniform girls. Giggly, bubbly, no worries, with all our swearing of stupids and smellys and discovered again that side of us we thought we're losing with time.

Us in the childhood museum posing like a kid

4 days of joy passed by just so quickly. Its now another piece of memory to frame up.

btw, sex and the city movie is worth a watch! friendeship that never dies.

Glass that is glowing

You said, happy visiting the glass that is glowing. For a second, I was like, huh?!! then I smiled. I would have called the person lame, but with you, I can only smile and giggle over your stupid kinda cute expression.

That side of you, that kiddy side of you. Sigh.

My exams are finally over! I'm 2/3 to getting the cert. How much patience have I left?

But I'm excited now to see my high school mate in the glass that is glowing tmrw! haha. I've 4 days to bump!

It's more than that

There are feathers where my heart is; I can feel them tickling and teasing coyly the utmost sensitive flesh deep inside me. All I want to do is to rub against it, but I couldn't reach. The scratch of my skin doesnt quite cut it.

I'm craving, yearning for something, something intangible. There's this weird tingly sensation running down my spine as though somone has just blown into my ears. The lick from the side of the neck to behind the ears.

I would have surrendered.

I'm like a bird..

I'm like a bird in the cage. Agitative.

I just need to be a lil bit more patient.

And I'll be freed.

Here in my home

Stumbled upon this clip and I thought it's pretty good! I like the tune, it has a touch of home. My home. =)




I can see hope!

Shut up!

3am in the morning!!!! what is wrong with these people?!! I'm so pissed at their inconsiderations for shouting and cursing and crying and laughing and singing and waking me up in the middle of my sleep! Considering the fact that Im not a light sleeper and yet am sitting up writting this now, you can imagine how awful this noise pollution is! it's intolerable! Shut up shut up shut up! I so have the tendency to compete with them who has a better lung! Arggggggggggggggggggggh! For the first time I wish I have a remote control with a mute function to shut out all the noises!

We don't need to know who's cheating on who so will ya keep it just to yourself in your room?! not on the street please! not on the expense of OUR sleep!

omg omg omg

OMG OMG OMG OMG I'm sooooooooo extremely completely overly elated. Excited. and it's not just a lil bit. It's very very very very very a lot and its the jumping off the wall kind! I feel I'm goin to be blown away by my own excitement! hohohohoho.

My dearest dearest friend is goin to be a mum soooooon eh!!!! I dunno why I'm sooo excited, I just am! the moment I read, "... that we are expecting a baby at the end of October...", I was like, wow! OMG! gosh!! and can you believe there's even a sudden rush of bloood pumping to my heart, and I can't control my eyes to greedily scan through the rest of the message! It's that explosive!

And I just loooooooooooove the way she described her morning sickness and all the symptoms and her feelings and her eating habits and basically everything. Every bit of details are soooooooooooooooo cute! so mum-to-be like, so adorable I wish she's right in front of me now so I can give her my big bear hug and touch her tummy and have a mummy baby talking session!

Life of another stage! Story of another, is bout to start.

FlipFlop Flippy

I feel soooooooooo 'contained' now. Exams, quick go away! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

and I started playing this game by Hong Leong bank. Its addictive, if you think you can score higher. so, go, go fishing. I need a mouse! a better mouse that gives smooth control! The books are killing me, and now the fishes are killing me too!! Grrr. I'm goin to explode! Why can't they have the exams done in 2 weeks time, why la drag for 3 weeks.

Btw, there're prizes to be won if you're in the top 3 of the week, some psp thing, but thats not really my thing. I jus want to be outta this exam zone!

it doesnt JUST happen

Remember, thing doesnt JUST happen.

Everything happens for a reason. It happens because of choice. that we may or may not have realised in time, so, it doesnt just happen.

A lil sunshine for the day

I'm in smile now. =)))

And that expression of him. So funny-laaa. Ha, I just like to see how one is tryin to hide his shy-ness and the fact that he's happy for what I said which flatters him. That is soooo, teasable!

But, hey, thanks ok. Just wanted to say thank you again and how you've warmed my day with that Vietnamese silk scarf. I was just kidding and what a surprise you actually went to buy it somemore have to say it's one of those cheap ones. Cheh. Now I can't wait to see it. Why la have to wait till I'm back, cannot just mail it over?!

Spring over here doesnt really feel like spring sometimes but I just see summer today! =)))

Friend, it hurts

I'd rather you have your piece of mind lay down on the table in front of me than stabbing me with this now-I-know-what-kinda-person-you-are-shit. It choked me for a while I can't believe thats the best you can come up with. Its not about right and wrong now, its bout getting the message across and not have it misinterpreted during the trasmission. Gone off track? fix it. Fix it in a gentleman way. Stop this name calling and bait thing.

It hurts. It hurts even more when I've trusted you. Friend.

Self conflicting

I of all know it best this is how it will be. It comes, gives me a few pinch on the left side of my chest, den it goes. Moments later, it repeats itself. Sometimes I feel I'm just so silly to be bothered by it. It doesnt change. Never will. It only shoveled beneath layer after layer. We give in all at the wrong time.

I yearn, I desire. On the other, I'm wistful, deprived, starved. What was I thinking? There were all those laughs and mornings and nites.

This is so fucking irrelevant.

Ratting you out?!

So I admit it's my bad for telling him what you told me coz of my assumption that this is only something nice to share and of no reason why it can't be told when he's your good friend too.

Fine. if I'm in no position to spread the good news of yours to him. But hey, this has totally nothing to do with trust ok. Why do you have to sound as though I've betrayed your trust. I havent even let out my groaning on the bait and rat thing!

Dang! Why la I feel hurt! Its such a trivial matter.

How many rings would you like?

A friend asked me the other day, how many sets of ring should he prepare for his proposal then engagement and then the wedding itself. That, had seriously caught me thinkin for a while, not exactly bout the ring, but more on how guys actually think and plan for all these. it's cute, and funny at the same time. Hehe. you just love them at times like these.

Anyways, the thing is I never thought that how many rings to prepare can be a question of itself. The initial instinct told me that, aint 2 enough? Till he threw me with the question: don't you think I should get 2 rings for the proposal, 2 for the engagement and 2 for the wedding; or maybe 1 for the proposal, 2 engagement, 2 wedding; or 2 for proposal and engagement, 2 for the wedding. I was intrigued! and was like, wow. that's a lot of rings to get.

I don't know seriously. Do people really get that many rings to get to the marriage stage?

I see

Is it true that only in the death of lands that we see colours, and in the death of love that we see pearls.

What do I see now.

Spring

It's getting warmer now. just like how spring should be. the tulips in front of the union look so beautiful! reminds me of the old me playing in the sea of tulips with only smiles and no worries 6 years ago. My love for tulips. the blue sky. and the kodak moment.

The blossoming of the spring flowers still makes me smile, I can hear my heart dancing when looking at them. The only difference then and now is that I'm holding back more and more in a way I'm not in control of. But, this is not maglinant.

Some things never change. and never will be overtaken.

My new baju to come

I'm actually quite happy today. Hehe. know why? Coz I've finally bought a baju which I think is nice but stupid mun said it looks more like a pyjamas. Hmph!

Anyway, the point is that, I BOUGHT it the second I saw it without even feeling it and tryin it on and make sure it looks good on me!!! Online purchasing is never very much of my thing, but well, sometimes we must do something we don't normally do rite, and have faith on our impulsive action.

Say, the baju looks nice rite? It's only 29SGD including delivery to my KL home. Hoho. Now I just can't wait for it to get to me and see if my love at first sight is going to turn into a long term relationship. If so, I will broadcast it, don worry.

Smile, come to me

I'll make myself to smile more now!

Does chocolate really elevate one's mood? I'm havin this belgium chocolate ice cream but it doesnt seem to do ANYTHING. I'm still not smiling, my heart is not. It fills my stomach thou. Ha. See, now I've to say something stupid to get my smile back. Dang! Does it sound pathetic? Please say no. Or I'll have to kill myself. Hoho.

Self entertaining works. So I think. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll go watch made of honour and talk to mun and ask him to tell me jokes. He's always been good at it how I'm missing it now.

You know it sucks when you're dying to call someone but you can't coz of the time difference!!

Arggggggggggggggggh!! OK. I'm more energetic now than before. So I shall draw smiley faces and get back to work. =))), =P, =D, :B. Eh, I think this :B looks funny, funny kinda cute, rite rite? I'm goin to start using it now. :B kekeke.

Another realisation

I've just realised something. The feeling of being in between, neither here nor there is kinda suckie. Depressing. When everyone has found their seat, I'm still in the middle of searching for mine.

We always say, extremity does more harm than good. To be moderate perhaps is better. But why do I feel that this not too happy to laugh hysterically, not too sad to tear, not too confident to shout out my good, not too coward to hide what I have feeling is making me so helpless; trapped only in the boring middle ground, too average to stand out in any good or bad way, am I.

Ironically, I found myself having a strong affinity towards wanting to be sucked into this swirl of emoness and feel how the the left over energy throbs through every cell in my body, how receptive I'm to every whispers and words, how inflamed and outstretched my nerves are and then suddenly fallen dead. The intensity of such, is infectious.

Can we be a bit simpler?

Sometimes, I just dont understand why some people need to be so defensive and think that there must be something behind why one is doin a good deed.

Cycle of life

There, a very beautiful and heartfelt post that brings tears to my eyes.

Grandma's lying on the bed in the hospital, dad said it's about time now. Everyone has prepared for the worst. It's not supposed to be an upsetting thing, right? it's part of a life cycle that everyone has to complete, but why do I feel my cheek is wet now?

I'm moved. That pinch in my heart, is still with me.

Sometimes

Sometimes, we can't even be honest to our own self.

And den, we become confused.

Last Day of Class

Can I tell you how happy I am now!!!!! muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha.

I can't help but to smile at myself when I was walking to uni this afternoon to submit the reports. Yea, that stupid interim report which took away my youth is finally done and handed in! that stupid 10% worth assignment is finally a history! and there're no more classes to attend! no more 9am and 6pm! hohoho! can you believe it, I'm done with the final semester! There're only exams to sit for and research to do for the next three months before I kiss Leeds Uni goodbye!

And now here I am. Lying on my bed writing this. savouring the moment of blissful contentment that is mixed with 1% of bittergourd. Sigh. 8 months have just gone past me like this! it's actually a bit scary. Where are the traces of the past?

I want to kick you in the ass!

Stupid Stupid Stupid!!!

It's only an address eh. Very difficult to give is it! Speak so nicely and politely to you don want to give, must made me into a rude person then only give. Grrr. Somemore made me feel soooo unappreciated. I'm giving you something eh, with all my heart, how could you splashed me with cold water and made my tears welled up, just.like.this!

Where can like that. Tell me, where can like that! Made me soo grrrrr somemore dare to show me that face. Kla. I admit that face was cute, made me grinned for a while, but still, I'm soooooooo goin to poke many many many many many many many holes to that thing I'm giving you. Hmph!

So unrealistic but can I

Watching the series. There's this part of me still living in my own fantasy world I'm not willing to let go.

Can I tell you that I want to do this tip-toed thing to kiss you.

Special

It's so terribly true that people just want to be special. Everyone likes to be the special one in the eye of the other. Even it's jus a wee bit more, thats enough to make the person feels good. So don't lie and say you don't give a hoot.

Inclusion. Thats what it is!

Sweet Wonderland

There're bananas, longan, oranges, strawberries, and something else I don't remember now on the tree. A tree. A huge giant tree so tall with all kinds of fruits hanging there, with me havin fun picking them one by one.

I like how fairytale-like this tree was. Funny dream. If only we could have different combinations of fruits growing on one tree.

*Grin*

I can still taste the sweetness on my lips.

Ikan Bakar

That is sooooooo funny laaaa. Ikan bakar. Gawd! My first laughing dose of the day. Thanks mate! I supposed I can get back to my work now, having almost dozed off.

Just wondering thou, is wittiness an intrinsic property or extrinsic? Nvm. I'm in my 'why' universe again.

It's actually a pointless post

Some twat (I'm just goin to be mean now) commented that my usage of 'broken wing' is GRAMMATICALLY (i was like grammatically? what grammer are you talkin bout?) incorrect. Tell me, whats wrong with this sentence - an angel with a broken wing is still an angel. Seriously, I'm willing to hear your opinions and corrections, if this is not right. All eyes and ears open. But please don jus shove it off with 'oh, I cant teach you, you never listen to other ppl and you're only living in your own world, hahaha'. WTF?

It's not even funny.

There're actually more of it which led to this whole I cant teach you biz, which I don't think I'm goin to dwell into. No point. Yea, why bother. it's actually kinda pointless to write it down come to think of it now. But HELLO?!! shouldnt accusation come with some sorta evidence? I aint no people-pleaser, but I'm pretty damn sure I have not forced anyone, whoever you refering to into doin something he/she doesnt want but I want. Dang!

And why do people like spreading rumours?!!! Don't you find it disgusting to stick your nose into other's ass? I have nice ass, but I dont think I like your nose!

Phieww! I shan't be disturbed.

Btw, is 'I'm an answer short' structurally incorrect?

I bought it finally!

When I said I'm goin to buy myself a pair of dumbbell nobody believed me. Stupid mun or was it SW or maybe my brother somemore laughed at me as if I'm talkin alien. Hmph!

I know I dont do much exercise but at least give some encouragement wei.

Anyways, tell you, I'm sooo goin to have a nicely toned arm now! Hehehe. See see my newly bought dumbbell set!!! They look very toyish and fake and toyish la I know, only 10 pounds, what to expect, but thats not the point isnt. The point is, they are still a dumbbell, somemore a colourful dumbbell weigh 0.5, 1 and 1.5kg each. The pink one is cute rite. hehe.

Flabby arms is goin away soon. Hohoho.

The swirl

Stirred. Heat and cool. The rate of agitation is increasing, mechanism unknown.

There, can you see it. The orange swirl you have jus created in me. so ferociously. space invasion. 60 seconds. I'm all sucked in. No escape. It's so intense I can feel my skin is turning red. There's more than dancing in my heart. Electrifying.

why do you have to still look so like you? Dang!

Not enough

I'm not trying hard enough. Is that how I made you feel?

Why must one sacrifice all the other kinda life just to get one thing right? Why is alternative not an alternative to you? Easy way out, is that the only thing in your mind? I'm taking an easy way out?! Why not try thinking that it's part of the planning process - time is the limiting factor and shouldnt that be the first thing to work on - options that gives you result in the shortest time wins, losing out on the 'maybe-best' hurts, but isn't that what this is all bout, win some lose some.

Bearing needs adjustment.

We are angel

Every girl is an angel, when she had her first drop of tear, God will take away her wings. So if ever a girl drops a tear for you, that means she's giving up the heaven for you.

Hmm. why is the english version of this sentence isn't as beautiful as the chinese version?

Anywhich way, I still like how it sounds. =)

We're the angels. Guys!

Can I tell you that.

The answer is...

The answer is, dont know where to start anymore. Writing is just the same as everything else. Once you stop doin it, it will take a while to get that whole 'writing gist' back. That means, I'm goin to be random and slur my words now.

Made a b'day card the other day for Lucie. Erm, not really feeling very proud of it, I need more raw mat, but I liked that pair of earings I gave her. Thought of keeping it to myself in the first place. Hehehe. Kla. Actually I kinda like the card that I made, coz it's made with the most precious thing in the world one can ever get - my heart. =p

And I want to make a nice one for ya in months to come.

and I didn't know that I can upload several pics at one time till today, this moment, after I decided to click on that add another image button just to see what does it do. Was it there before? Stupid me.



Say, the earing is pretty! and the card too!

And I don't understand why guys like to keep their finger nails long, especially the one on the last finger. Does it really make it easier to prick the nose?

I feel kinda deprived. Do I really love myself more than others? Maybe. Definitely Maybe.

This is a mess! I think I better go to bed before I start writing nonsense.

Tangled. I need to untangle the thread.

Dismissed.

The question is...

So what's the consequence of not writing for a while?

The Dance...

The dance last night. I wanted to talk bout it. But I dont know where to start, its gone a bit vague now. I don't even remember his face.

I closed my eyes, and there were the beats, the laughters, the joy and, his hand. Swaying; left and right to the music; he's good, in leading. Funny too. His hands on my waist and mine on his. closed body contact, I can smell his cologne. Uninhibited.

Lifted up by him. I liked the full round circles, he has strong arms. I've lost count on how many circles we did, all I remember was my head's spinning and heart pounding. Finally, I'd both my feet on the wooden floor, relaxing in his arms, again we swayed to the music, apart den back close...

Weight Gain

I'm actually quite happy now, with the weighing machine. hahaha. I've finally gained 1kg!! 1kg eh!! after almost 10 months of eating hard! hohoho.

and so with that, comes the camwhoring session. lalala. I shall be vain now. =p Havent done any camwhoring for donkey years and you wouldn't want to know how many pics I've taken. All I can say is that, camwhoring is addictive. Sao Wen do you not agree? =p I wont put up all the pics to make you addicted to my pretty pics, don worry.


Take 1. Thought I wanted to look a bit more 'attitude-ish'. Watever.

K. I admit. Its a bit stupid to smile for nothing, but thats the point. no? I shall keep the rest inside my closet.

p/s: btw, I've done another session the next day. hahaha.

Brokenness

And brokenness is not necessarily a bad thing. It gives you room to open your eyes, to fix things, to shine, to stretch your potentials. And, to see your trueself.

No. I'm not any closer to the life of brokenness. I'm just staring at the word, trying to understand what it means.

What is good?

What is good? and what is bad? Similarly, what's right? and what's wrong?

It's considered a good deed because it fits your definition?

Affinity

It's all 'bout affinity.

Interaction - thats what brings us together and tears us apart.

The receptor theory works for all, not only on the molecular level. We're the ligand, we are also the receptor.

Biasness as we called it, is just the result of difference in affinity.

That same ol' shitty junks

Did you hear me? you did didnt you? thats why you're sent to put a smile on my face.

Jus when I thought that lil place we shared in the past is left locked. dusted. you revisited it, in the most unexpected and loviest of ways.

That same ol' shitty junks. why you immitate what I said and made me giggle? den the next second made my eyes watery for all the memories, the cravings, the missing I pretended I've forgotten. why you purposely said the name I don like and made fun of it somemore? why you made me said stupid to you the same way I used to say?

I don want to close the box because once I do that, you'll be gone. There's a buzz between the clicks. I smiled and you smiled.

There're mugs of motivation in there, that you didn't realise you've just instilled in me.

Contradiction

Tonight is one of those nites, of craving for company but when there is one, you want it out nite.

Contradicting, I know.

Things are different now. for a long time. Its no longer a click away, a phone call away. There is this quiet kinda loneliness lingering around. Music doesnt work. Disconnected.

Today is a gift, the reason why it's call 'the present'. But I'm tired. I'm getting tired.

Is this what it is, moving on? Is this what it is..forgetting.

p/s: I was quite happy this morning when I saw the tree outside my window is budding, sign of living.

Attitude

Angel is playing in the background. The room is only litted with candle light. Orange. It's a soft night of tranquility. Disposition from emotion.

Tugged in bed. I am in thoughts.

'Treat others as you would like to be treated'. I was asked the other day by Rosie on how and what do I feel towards it. Strongly agree? Indifferrent? As much as I am for it, I've found myself doing otherwise, towards this one person.

I want to pull a smile, but my face just doesnt do it. Not even for the sake of faking one. Coldness, an emotion I'm not very familiar with myself, he has it all. that side of me. If 10 degrees is what I have, I'm giving him all. And the situation never change, it's like there's this thing already programmed into my brain, every time he appears, the radar senses it, 30 degrees will decrease down to 10 degrees immediately. Its not even in gradient mode. Its a drastic drop, and the cycle repeats.

Its kinda strange. We both know whats goin on and yet it's repeating itself again and again. He'll be askin the same kinda questions (all angellic) and I'll be telling him off (very mean and evil) and feel bad after. Feeling bad is all it is, I'm not exactly trying to fix it, somehow. So there comes the point, I would rather let the cycle repeats than mending it. and come up with some excuses to justify my not-so-pleasant-attitude like if he doesnt annoy me then I wont behave that way.

I would be very upset if someone were to treat me this way, yet I'm doin it now. It's becoming a reflex action I'm afraid. A targeted one.

Cut it or lose it. I'm still thinking.

I'm out of title

I just want those moments, those thoughts, those painting on the scrapbook to be remembered.

12am today. The reasons for starting this 'me' thing June last year still remain unchanged. I shall not forget to remember. And the reasons why I am here.

Stay the same.

Be focus.

I like the way it serves as a reminder.

It's only through writing, it would endure.

Reality is

It's an extremely busy week with the lab. and am loaded with complaints. and frustrations. and a bit of cynical laughters in between. Gosh!

Just today, for a good whole one hour, we're thrashing and bashing the course, the research, the lecturers, the department, for how unstructured and unorganised they are and how cheated we feel by the claim that Chemical Eng in Leeds is excellent! Please make that a past tense if this is how things are goin to be.

Teaching here aint up to standard, for this course at least. It should have been better. What do you feel when someone who doesnt know much bout the stuff gives the lectures and confuses you even more when he/she tries to explain, worse is that more often you are the one who correct him/her? Whats the point of attending lectures of such? Isnt know-your-stuff-well the first principle in teaching? I aint expecting to be spoon fed, but at least convince us with your knowledge, yea?!

I'm also very disappointed with how this course is coordinated. Especially the laboratory work. Sigh. The prac class was the worst I've attended so far in my life. So we had a prac class, instead of having all the basic apparatus to be available to the students to carry out the test before the class, what awaiting was we'd to SEARCH for every single thing we need as nothing was ready and available. We couldnt even extract the results coz theres no USB port, and theres no floopy disc available, we're then told the results will be given to us later after the other group has done their test so they can give us the one which is better? What is this?!!

And the feedback issue.

But I'm cool now, found a few buddies who share the same thoughts to spit the junks outta me. I'll explode otherwise. Thanks mates!

So welcome to SPEME of Leeds Uni. NOT.

Dissolution

I had a dream this morning, just before I woke up to the sunlight. It's a weird dream.

It goes from the molecular stoichiometry, the white powder, the dissolution studies-I've difficulty in getting the right set up there *curse*, to suddenly cuddling in bed with him. I don't recall now how it ended up that way, the studies didn't even get to the end, it would be nice to know if I've fixed the problem in the dream and so I can repeat the same today in the lab. its funny.

In it was the white soft cover, and we kissed. The room smelled citrus, the scent I like, and we lied side by side, he had his hands brushing and stroking my hair, running all over me; that, was the most gentle loving touch. Soothing. Dissolving. I sighed for a relief, for the familiar tingly sensation started within me.

The phone rang. for him. He had friends?! A friend with a name I havent heard of but it came up just so naturally. Vivien she was. I vaguely remember now. I don't know how the dream ended. I was awaken then, back in the world of living, pink cover, alone.

Dream, is magical.

What date is today?

This guy is seriously brilliant! and I'm soooo dumb, to even believe and havin my pen ready to jot down his email address for future use before the whole site's gone (well, I dont know if he'll like to keep it but just incase) den realise he's pulling a prank on us only when the commenters spelled it all out for me. Today's April Fool!

@#$%^(!@#+!!

I can't believe I'm so slow at this. Such a big hint of what date is today very obviously written at the bottom of the page yet I still didn't get it. And guess what I was thinking, I was thinking what's the matter with this guy today asking bout the date. Now I know. Why am I so gullible?!

Spring is here

The remnants feeling that has been lingering around for 10 months is now gone. So she thinks. No more 2am or 4am. No more feeling sugary or upset with the way he talks, the lil details and concerns he shows, the coldness that freezes her heart, the sighs. It's not the same anymore. The ringing in her heart.

So she writes. To tell herself that there's nothing left in that lil shell now. It's a gradual disappearance, time has taken it away before she knew it. The very last bit of it.

She isn't quite sure if that's how she wants it to be. She liked that lil place she reserved for them, despite the greyness it gave her sometimes. There is anticipation for what is coming next; she is awaiting.

Library is Good!

It smells of books. Of old rotten yellow papers. I never liked it before, but now I'm here, with 4 giant physical chemistry on the table to my right, my Fujitsu laptop nicely sitting in front of me, a bottle of spring water only an arm's away, and a snicker bar getting ready, I'm all set for the journey.

Never did I yawn once, I'm impressed with myself how focussed I am in this 3 hours. I'm hungry for information, screening, filtering and reprocessing page after page, I've now the answers to the questions. It's fulfilling. Satisfaction gained for a while.

There are still questions sitting there to be ticked off, and I believe the non-existance answers will unravel itself as long as I continue reading.

I'm just so Pissed!

OK. I am really pissed! I've done nothing but wasted the whole day looking for reagents and clean bottles and syringe and I dint get to find that stupid filters thanks to the very well (not) organised lab!

Seriously I'm very disappointed at how this project is run. I aint askin for spoon feeding, but hey, we're given only 3 months it's impossible to do everything just from scratch! Research needs time, and good research needs more time, we can stretch ourselves, but how on earth are we goin to be productive when the superior knows nothing when asked!

And the god damn clock never stops ticking!

I need to come up with some strategy.

The very-well-respected-waiting culture

I seriously cannot hold up to this so called well-respected-waiting-culture here! I'm not extremely frustrated, just frustrated. It's not like I've not told that I'll be goin to the lab to start my experiment and we know very well I can't enter the lab without supervision. I wish I can, but rules to be obeyed and so now I have to stuck here writing this while waiting for the person to come. If at all you're coming in late, at least show some courtesy and inform me earlier so that I dont have to be an idiot, and come all the way to uni to find out ohh, I can't start anything becoz nobody's here! Time is precious everyone knows that! and this is not even the first time!

It's just sooo different from where I came from. Nothing seems organised, it doesn't feel like a lab, everyone is nice and friendly but when it comes to work, everything is in a mess. I'm sorry I have to say this but I really think something need to be done to improve the situation.

And now I appreciate so much the support and guidance I was given while working in B1-07, I never once felt lost and not know what to do.

How do I strive from here?

Dreams

Talkin bout dreams, all I know is that my dreams have shrunk with time I dont know if it's even right to call them dreams now.

There are so many more things in the front cue screaming for my attention, constantly reminding me of the reality, and all I can do and have done was pushing my dreams further and further from the core. Den, this one girl who talked bout her dream a year ago is now walking her dream. It shruck me a chord, would I have the guts to do the same? I've always dreamt of travelling around the globe, just like her, and falling in love with the passers-by, indulging in every different cultures, sing a local song and dance a local dance.

Some say, talk bout dreams only when you are financially secured, it is the bitter cruel world we are living in, money can buy dreams, but never otherwise. Not common anyway. Some say, just follow the call, we have to start somewhere and lets not let the money issue, career issue or what have you stop you from chasing your dreams. Things will eventually fall into place once you have the first step layed down.

And all these boil down to the very key issue, choice. How does one want his/her life to be?

I'm still searching my soul. What do I really want.

Dreams, exist becoz of choice.

I'm off my toe today!

Something is missing somewhere I donno where I cant pin point it out and I think I m losing focus so dont be suprised if I m slurring my text and I decided to let loose the lace today.

So I did something I thought I ll never do but I did it gave me a 2 seconds high as I typed away its weird I know and weird things always excite people and suddenly I feel sentences without punctuation can be kinda cool sometimes like now I m very sure I m enjoying this nonsense act of mine at this very second I feel like flowing with the stream am I digressing I m losing the point now.

We re talking about surname this afternoon I ve got a very rare surname maybe not anymore but definitely absolutely is rarer than tan or chan or khoo or ong or you know what I mean and I came across another Oh family from Kong Kong yes Oh is my surname don laugh and you cannot call me Oh Oh like how my friend did anyways back to the point I dont know this guy and since I m off my toe today I decided to send this guy a message to tell him he has the same surname as I do and I guess I m now waiting for his reply well not like I care if there is any ok I lied I do want to see if I will be ignored or given nasty reply for my idiotic act like you are such a bimbo and the like or he will be so happy and jump off his feet becoz he now get to know another Oh.

OK I will stop this nonsense now my stomach is calling me.

Cesky Krumlov

Cesky Krumlov, a lovely small town which is only 3 hours away from Prague by bus. I fell in love with its serenity and laid-backness right away it's such a perfect weekend getaway from the hustle bustle.

The town is very small, sooo small you can be done with all the sight seeing within couple of hours. I wanted to go up the tower but it's only open for public in April, grrrr. Why!!! Now I just gotta miss the chance to take more nicey pictures.

Thats the view from the bridge. It's breath-taking! I just love the colour of the roof!

Looking at this makes me feel like I'm living in fairy tales. Where is my prince?

One of the courtyard within the castle. The wall is sooo nicely painted and I tell you the interior is even gorgeous. What a shame we couldnt enter and can only look at the picture they displayed.

Its the first day of spring and it had to snow! The day gets bright as early as 5am or maybe earlier, this was taken at 630 in the morning.

The snow was sooo lovely to look at but it made me want to stay indoor more, with a cup of hot tea, open fire, comfy couch, I'll be all pleased.

ps: try Eggenberg. Its a locally brewed beer which made me red not even finishing a pint!

Easter holiday

Its been two days now. Two whole days of me in total sedation. And it feels very, empty, inside, somewhere. The orange street looks so dead from the window. And that silence in the room, its way too peaceful I'm so bored the ticking sound of the alarm clock is driving me nuts!

Suddenly I'm craving for some human flesh.

Should I start reading.

Our Energy Source In Czech

These are some of the stuff we had in Czech to feed our stomach. I dont miss much of them, cept their dark beer! and the waiters. kekeke.

Langose, some street food that we had in the Easter Market. Its made of flour, deep fried and topped with cheese and ketchup. Simple but very nice!

Dumpling is a must try in Czech coz this is what the locals have. And its nothing like our chinese dumplings, see those white round flat stuff? those are dumplings. A bit plain and so you'll have to eat it with the pork and the very yummy gravy. The pork shoulder was sooooo tender I've never tasted such a good pork cooked in this way! Heavenly! and the pickled cabbage, it goes sooooo well with the whole dish.

I donno why that round white thing is called dumpling, Milan boy told me they just called dumplings. *and I rolled my eyes. Ohh, this is at the Dvur restaurant.

Thats the roast pork. Very very very meaty dish and we're all soo stuffed after that we're craving for vegetables the next day. The Czechs love pork thats what I gathered. but they're realllly beautiful!

Thats their traditional czech style strudel aka the apple strudel. Not too bad but I've tasted a better one. =p

This was horrible. Sorry to say that but it just wasn't goood and now I dont remember the name of the restaurant, something along theresa I think.

Awwwww, I loooove this grilled cheees! It just melts in my mouth. Heavenly!

Onion soup in bread. I like the display of it.

Mixed vegetables and tomatoes salad, we realised we need some greens after being a carnivor for days.

Half chicken cooked on open fire. It's alright but I prefer the pork knee.

I looooooove this pork knee! Very tender and yummy and the moisture level was just right. Perfectly cooked!

Why are all the waiters sooo cute and sooo yummy in Czech?