Wednesday, November 28, 2007

If only...

I have always love surprises. But this time round, it's jus way too much, to even comprehend.

If only we could turn back time,
If only we could seize the day,
If only.

You'll be remembered, my dear friend, forever.

p/s: it's really time to move on with my writings.

Sadness to Motivation

My smile has been playin hide and seek with me. That pent up mixed emotions of sadness, angst, annoyance and frustration are eating away all the goods in me, exactly like how the pathogens attacking my cells. Quick and infectious.

Cleaning up. Yeaa, my heart, my brain, my cells need a thorough cleansing. I have always liked to see the peeling off of the old layer skin cells jus to look at that anew, pinky flesh beneath it, it is such a cutie, isn't it? How possibly could I forget to reveal its freshness and sweetness every now and then? How could I let it constantly buried with all the yuckie stuff that know only to rot?

Life is short. And that undiluted truth, is always presenting itself in the most coy of manner, during the most vulnerable of times. I aint not goin to be defeated by it.

No more blubbing, no more sulkiness, they should be kept with the sadness in that shell.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Heart

Stayed up late again last nite, checking my heart.

It's as bloody as it is and is beating healthily, lub-dub, lub-dub....but out there, there's one person who can't even hear his own heart. Worried. I'm worried for the news to come. Wed is jus couple of hours away and could we all accept the fact if it doesnt turn out well?

Couldn't focus on my writing anymore. Mood needs to be elevated. It's been locked in the cage unhealthily, waiting to be taken care of.

'Alo, why are you not sleeping yet?'

lub-dub-dub, lub-dub-dub. Was it you?! was it you babyee? Just I was soo disappointed with myself for the past few days of not being able to keep up with my stand on you and again (I wonder how many times this have already happend) thought of jus heck it, you and the amorphous act of you, I find myself helplessly drawning towards you, and yes, again. Your alo made me happy for a while, being sulky doesnt suit me.

That sadness in me, found itself a shell.

Prayer

Shocked. I was all stunned when I read this message from a friend:

'Just a short note. You may have heard but just in case not, [name erased] collpased and he is in intensive care. The specialists are coming in on Weds to determine if he is brain dead and if its time to switch off the ventilator. Its very sudden....'

Why! Why is this happening?!! All of us were havin a great time in Bangkok last year this time, and I seriously can't believe this is happening! Why him?!! He's still soooo young and have got soooo much more to do and getting marry with her is already in the plan. To be declared as brain dead, that's the most horrible thing to say!

I'm really worried for her now, if at all she can handle it.

Pray for him, pray for his family, pray for her. Pray that he can pull over and win the battle and change the perceptions of the doctors! Please, our prayers please be heard. That's all I can do now. Sheeesh, I wish I could be home now and do what I can.

It's sooo difficult to digest the news.

Reality. Truth. It's sooo cruel!

Silently, it's fading away...

The urge of stayin up late jus to have a word from you has silently, faded. Or is it playing hide and seek? Sighh. I was pretty confident the past few nites and could say yay, you're now out of mind, until last nite when we had a girl talk in my room... The Japanese girls are lovely! Saaya is sooo cute and I can't stop liking her.

Shouldn't have talked bout you and the past soo much. Shouldn't have read the emails. But I know, if there's turning back, I'll still talk bout you as much, and read the emails whenever I'm thinkin of you. Even thou I know the effect of it is I'll be brought down, again and again. That inconsistency of your response and act, sigh..you know it too well my weakest link.

They say, November is never a Sweet November, but a month of depression. I used to believe it was indeed a sweet month when I was with you. Sigh. Gone were the days. Yet, I'm reluctant to conform and agree it's a depressing month. That's not me. I cry, but I move on! I still have got tonnes to acheive. And you, will serve as a reminder. The best reminder.

Silently, it's fading away; but, there's a word called rekindle.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Pause, and ponder

That chain of reaction.

Reading the post, brings my memory back on how I'd responded when my friend told me his mum's just passed away. I was helpless myself too, not knowing what to say at that point in time, not knowing how and what should/can I do. Stupidly, I asked the same question as how Nicole did, 'are you OK?' And after that, there's an uncomfortable pause between the conversation. Should I remain silent? Should I say, don't worry, everything is goin to fine? Should I talk about sth unrelated to distract him? Should I sound cheeky so to not further dampen his mood? But, nothing sounds rite.

It's part of the life, we all know. But, that emotional torture one has to go through, is painful, piercingly painful. And it eats you away. It's way too much to be taken on by oneself and shoulder it without support. I would have collapsed. I couldn't even bear that sudden hit of sadness jus thinkin if I were in his shoes. I don't like the 'if' now.

Seeing dad's slowly turning greysih hair and ageing skins everytime I'm home, had never failed to bring a lump to my throat. What have I achieved thus far? Why am I still depending on them sooo much to move on with my life? Why have I not been able to lighten their burden? Why have I not been able to say to them, it's time to retire and enjoy your life now? Why have I not showed my full potential and make them proud? Why am I still making them worry for me? Why have I never made enough effort to spend more time with them when I can? Why have I been taking things for granted as though I have awful lot of time?

I ain't no superwoman, let me have the blessing to get closer to the door of success. I want to see only smiles and no frowns in my parent's face; I want to see them relax and do what they want to do instead of running up and down to satisfy our needs; I want to bring out the best of myself in return of their endless unconditional love and support. I want to provide them with the luxury to go on holidays whenever they feel like with no constraints. I want to be able to provide supports, in any form should the needs arise, rather than being a parasite.

It's love, that makes one a better man.

This is a tie that will never break. It's neither replacable.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

This is such a disgrace...Sigh

Is the Malaysian government never goin to learn to be more professional and ethical in handling problems? What's more this is a legal case, a case between two countries (i.e. Singapore and Malaysia) on who should be given ownership of Pedra Branca or Pulau Batu Puteh? See Simply Jean for more details.

'We represent the people!', our very famous quote by the government. Can I say, I would rather you not, not this way?! You've just pushed us closer to the graveyard!

I simply just don't understand how on earth the government could come up with such a lame defence to present the case- using a picture adopted from a BLOG ?!! (question, is this all the resources we have?!! this is sooo ironic!). More interestingly, plagarism is spotted (by Simply Jean). Sighhh.

On another note, as reported here, instead of focussing on presentating persuasive legal aruguments with factual issues, Malaysia had resorted to make a series of unfounded political statments and insinuations against Singapore. How professional Malaysia is heh?!

Malu-nya, you have made us feel!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Ewwww, that lil surprise!

Was on my way walking to uni this afternoon, and thank goodness I'd my eyes on the walkway and not otherwise. If not, I'd have probably stepped on that icky underwear with that disgusting pad on it! Somemore it's an extra size underwear! Ewwwwwwwww!! Yucks!! Sheessh!!

And I just aint goin to describe what's on that pad! It's jus sooo gross! How on earth could someone throw such a thing on the road?

*puke*

Monday, November 19, 2007

Grey...

It's grey, so grey out there that I jus wish to be tugged in bed and be cuddled.

Why did it feel soo differently today? Or perhaps, what on earth is goin on with me?!

Extrapolation. That's what it's about. Worse thing is, it's an extrapolation that shouldn't exist; for it creates only disappointment.

Weather. It's amazing how strong an influence it has on one's mood.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

To Give Up or Not?

To maintain, is never an easy task.

And since it's such a hard chore, should we still hold on to it? How long can we do that?

It's givin you a hard time and you're suffering mentally, emotionally and physically from havin to keep things on your toes, and you know you'll be happier if you're to give up, then why not just give up?

It's simple. Givin up will never give one the ultimate true happiness.

Everything comes with a price. The process of perserverance nonetheless is a pain in the ass, a painful act of dignity, but the happiness you're assured in return is of a different level.

Nothing doesn't work. It only doesn't work the way you want it to be!

Allow yourself to grow from there rather than shut it off totally. That's why we are called the human being.

Human beings reflect upon themselves!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

My assignment. Argh!

2 days of not doin any work. Arghhh.

And I just wanna rant a lil. And waste even more time. =p

Discipline, discipline. Where has my discipline gone?

The German Christmas Market

Here we go, the annual German Christmas Market in the city center of Leeds. And yes, all the stall owners are German.

Sausages, and more sausages. That's a real huge griller.

Mary-go-round. I don't even remember I had this when I was younger. Awww, where's my childhood?

She sings, love is in the air.....=p

And, we tried the longest sausage, thin and long. Kekeke.

My Japanese friend, Saaya. Aint' she cute? =p I think she's! And I really like this picture!



Awww, aint thaat catepillar cute?

Is she looking angry at me? =p

Candle holders. Christmas like candle holders! Hmm, thought of gettin one for you, but will see. Hehe. I've got a month to go back for it. =p

Crystal Salt.

Colours. They do wonders, dont they?

Was soo tempted to get one of this.....If only I aint a student and am loaded with cash. =p

Oh btw, I bought a new nose stud from the market. How could I not remember to take a picture of it. Hmmm. =p

Friday, November 16, 2007

Mosaic Art and Craft in Leeds

Went to the Mosaic Art and Craft in the city which runs every second sunday of a month. Was expectin to see a big one, but heh, seems like it is deviating a lil. Small, maybe about 15 stalls there're, but I liked the feel of it - its not too commercialize. And you're guaranteed that everything is authentic.

They even have people playing music....Jazz. It's a very relaxing day out!

Is?

Is tryin to be fair, whenever is possible, not a right thing to do?

Is drawing a line between, and use that as a reference so to not cross the border, a perculiar attempt?

Is being specific too much to ask for?

Rules are to be broken, but please remember, should you have no rules, how on earth would you have the luxury to break it!

p/s: I'm really frustrated now! Heck it!

There aint no problem with our system?!

Following the BERSIH rally, there's a very interesting interview conducted by Al Jazeera with Lawyer Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, law minister Nazri Aziz, and the Son-in-Law. I've read, but nothing can be more real than seeing how the rally was carried out and handled by the police force, including throwing canon water and tear gas at the crowd with my own eyes.

Watch the youtube put up by Al Jazeera here and here and listen to what each of them has to say with regard to the rally and whether or not the demand by the public for institutional change is a valid item to the ministers.

I might not be as neutral as I thought I am, but the conversations had given me nothing but a feel that the people involved, whoever they are, are playin this against-the-opposition-game. Vice versa? I don't know. And what was said was merely something they're supposed or probably told to say. Listen to the law minister's reply to the question whether or not there's a need for institutional change; it's just, disappointing. Repeating the same answer ain't giving you extra points, it shows only you're intellectually vacuous.

'There ain't nothing wrong with the system coz we've been following it for the past 50th years.' Oh yea!! that's why Malaysia is at where she is now!

It's simply annoying when one knows there're flaws urgently needed to be corrected and yet still stubbornly denying it for the sake of denying.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

That tone of intimacy

Yet another subconscious action. Or has it been part of her already, to stay up a lil later jus to say morning to him, and hear him say good nite to her?

'Go and sleeep, it's already 2am.' For the first time, he din mix up the time difference.

The newly bought duvet cover sheet ain't not attractive enough to get her to tug in bed. She's immersing herself in the moment of sweeet memories; of the way he usually responded to her silly questions, the way he said whyyyy? and whaaaaat? Aint those jus some simple words everyone uses daily? She's subconsciously differentiating his 'whaaaat and whyyy' from others.

It's that tone. That tone of intimacy, which she misses dearly.

Lil treat for myself

Handed in yet another assignment today. Hohoho!!! =p

Feeling rather happy, and I can't help not to give myself a lil treat for all the hard work done and late-sleep nites in the past few days, so I headed down to the city, and tadaaaa..


No...I didn't buy the bed. It's the duvet cover that I bought. Ain't it pretty?! I jus luuuurve the colour! Hehe. And it's only 12 pounds.

Say, this is pretty too, isn't it? I loveeee the lace! So, I bought myself two pieces of different colour, hehehe. This and a blue one. 4 pounds each, why not heh. =p Was thinkin of getting the black too, next trip I think. Wink.

All in all, I'm jus happy today! =))

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

BERSIH Rally on the 10th Nov 2007

Though I wasn't in KL myself on the 10th Nov 2007, but am really impressed and amazed by the 40,000 people showing up and participating themselves at the rally to deliver the BERSIH memo to the istana negara, all with one and only one aim - for fairer and cleaner election.

For the very first time, the word 'unity' of the Malaysian pops up in my head. For the first time, I see light in the shadows. For the first time, I'm hessitant to say, 'live and work in Malaysia? Nah!'

What surprises me was that, the center of KL was locked down, tear gas and water cannons are being used by the police to shut off the demonstrators. What da?!! It's already made clear that this was a peacful rally and in fact, it has been, why the people were still being treated this way?!

See http://www.jeffooi.com/2007/11/how_they_painted_it_yellow.php for more details.

And the even cooler thing subsequent to the rally was the interview of our 'beloved' Information Minister with Al Jazeera. GAWD! That was simply, .....

Classic!

p/s: the interview and the rally video (jeffooi's site has got the link to it) on youtube were and still are very heavy loaded. Gotta try it again later.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Blogging Behaviour

Gotten an invitation to participate in a survey regarding people's blogging behavior two days ago via the comment left in my blog. Few questions pop up in my mind immediately seeing the message.

1) Do the researchers go through each one's blog and select the ones that they think are relevant to participate in the survey (which doesn't quite make sense, as that is introducing biasness and meaning they'll have to glue themselves to the computer all time - it's a massive work to be done!) or do they simply jus sent out a mass invitation and collect the sample data from there?

2) How genuine is this survey? I did google a lil to find out if the so called researchers do exist in where they claimed they're from (yea, I know, I'm just a lil skeptical when comes to any online-web-based stuff). And that guy with the chinese name, can't remember his name (my apology), even had publications!

3) If at all this is really a genuine survey, what's the impact of the findings?

And, I'm now thinkin a lil, about why I've started blogging....

Memory flashing back.....

Friday, November 9, 2007

Fireworks Overdose

This is unbelievable! Fireworks are still being lighted up even today! I love fireworks, but not when I'm in bed and that I ain' seeing it!

Thank goodness I am not a light sleeeper.....ZZzzz.

Oh, please don't get me wrong. This shouldn't sound like a complain. I repeat, I love fireworks!!!

Freedom

Freedom comes from the fact that one has the chance to make choices.

So, appreciate such luxury you have!

Two points

Is the shortest distance between two points a straight line?

Think not in terms of mathematical solution.

Curvy routes sometimes can lead one to the second point quicker than if one were to take a straight route.

Never to be too strong headed in any instance.

It's Deepavali?!

Damn! I've totally forgotten that it's Deepavali yesterday!

Thanks to the Batch Process assignment that's been keepin me occupied, both physically and mentally, and even emotionally. Grr.

It's a lil annoying to know that I've given all my attention to the work and becoming ignorant about the on-goings in the outer world, the environment and the people.

Time management. Is that what it's all about?

Anyways, Happy Belated Deepavali! =p

Monday, November 5, 2007

Happiness

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions -- the little, soon-forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heart-felt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling.

I'm contented!

It's Bonfire Night!!

A lil history bout the 5th November - The guy Fawkes Day! That’s the date back in 1605 when that pesky Guy Fawkes, a member of a group of English Roman Catholics, tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament! And every year, there'll be a fun-for-all effigy big, brash bonfires, with plenty of fireworks and carnival parades, to commemorate the failure of the Gunpowder Plot of Guy Fawkes.

Tonight, Hyde Park was packed with a sea of people. I was one of them. =p Bonfire was litted up in the middle of the park for a whole 1 hour in this freezing night, and followed by a 20 mins firework display. Nothing to shout bout, but am enjoying it! The cool breeze, that warm and glaring bonfire, it's just, gratifying. And it's amazing to see soo many people are lighting up fireworks (it's legal in UK) to celebrate the night. It's everywhere, and at every sight through out the whole night, even now when I'm in my room, the sound effect of the fireworks are non-stop. Sheesh, why am I back sooo early?

It's a symphony of fireworks ochestra!


My Japanese housemate and I and the bonfire

Look at the people. It's simply, massive!

3am

It's 3am now.

Your appearance on msn makes me want to stay on for a lil while more. Just to say hi, I thought. But, it's never enough, is it? Five minutes has dragged to half an hour. I'll have hard time getting up the next morning.

The assignments, suddenly are no longer the priority. Sighhh. When will I stop being this silly?

Nite nite, you said. It's beeen such a long while since you said it this way. Darn! mind is running wild again!