Sensory Overload

tonight is a chilly nite. i wrap myself around with my newly bought throw thinking about us. the murmurs of sweet nothings. duvet cover. cobblestones. orange light. there's a long silence in the room after i hung up the phone. i miss you.

i can see in my mind the shadowy contours of your body laying next to me. the rhythmic breathing. and hand holding. i want to trace your jaw line, kiss you and melt into you. memory and imagination are so crucial in states like this. otherwise, with what could i fill in the blanks.

we almost missed each other. it gives a pinch in my heart when i realise how fragile everything i hold in my hands is. one insensitive utterance, one day too late, one voicemail not heard, one email not sent, one coach not taken, and we’d be somewhere else. it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything.

but baby, you're in my world now. i didnt say much when you poured your heart out to me. thats not because i dont feel the same. i'm addicted to you. i just didn't know what to say. i was, overwhelmed with the swirl of emotion and all the fuzzy feelings in the pit of my stomach.

i like the sound of the future with you. and when i said i want to be with you, i meant also i want to share that last drop of lemonade with you.

What do I do with you

heart wrenched. stomach's churning as i hear you speak, telling me in the softest tone ever that you're upset. but there's nothing that i could do other than feeling choked. i didnt want to tear. i didn't want to be the reason that makes you worried and upset. i didn't want to let you know how much it pains me inside knowing you're upset. but you're good. as always. you sensed it right away and the next thing i remember was that i was smiling again. tho still in tears.

how do you do it. how do you still have room to make someone else smiles when you're made upset by that person in the very first place. how could you be so sweeet and tender and endearing. you have no idea how much i love you for that.

i really wish i was there, in person and in flesh.

i wish i could do something with my hands and my hugs and tell you there's nothing you need to worry about me instead of being a phone call away.

i wish i don't do things that would worry you. i wish i could be a lil bit more sensitive towards how you feel.

i look back at the photos of you on facebook. the ones you took for my sake and the one you just put up. your eyes, your smile, your dimples, your expression, the child in you, then the man in you. and then i reminisced about the past months, keeping myself company with memories of the silly little things we did, all the cheekiness we were up to, all the snippet dialogues of the lover, all the meaness of me for the sake of fun and glittery excitement where you're always patiently taking it in until i'm bored.

i miss you. i lied when i said i didn't. i have tried not to think bout you so much but that just made me miss you more. i have so much love for you that it spills over. tell me, what do i do.

Moments

nose's still blocking. eyes heavy. but the truth is, she's never been happier. she's never had her feet swept off like this. sigh. le sigh.

there are so many things she wants to say. mostly things about what she feels inside but also things that happened. yet she doesnt really know how to. she wants to talk about the moment. that moment. those moment that tingle all her senses during the conversation. and all that that make her stomach churns after they hung up.

remember the utterance of all the sweet nothingness? all the 20 minutes to an hour and more. even the lil conversation over the fb comments and the pic? all she wanted to do as he speaks bout his concern is to hold him tight and make it all go away.

the laughters. the flutters of heart. the whole big mush of feelings and emotions that grow sporadically in the pit of her stomach. ah and the anticipation for those words that makes her cringed, no not in a disgust way, but more of blood rush, heart race coupled with butterflies in stomach - the zha zha zhu feelings. she thought the butterflies would go away as time goes but it never did. they can always find its way to sneak through her. that's when she wants to grab a fistful of him so badly, melts into him and tell him how much she's fallen for him.

sometimes she still wonders where they are heading. but during times like this that’s fine. during times like this all she wonders is how they can be so lucky to have met each other and be in love. so where they are right now is fine – for the moment, this is where they belong. this place in between two lines and two boxes.