Spill

it doesnt go away. the conversation, the stupid teasings and imitation. the trying hard to stop the racing pulse. the blush. the want. the what if. the could have been. all of it. it lingers around even after 12 hours. where do people find calm.

so much have changed. we've evolved at such different paces. what now.

i still have so much love for him. so much of it it could spill and i dont know what to do with it.

Revisit of the Hearts

here. just right here. i heard my heart aching for you as you said those words. you told me what made you sad. i told you how i truly felt which i never had a chance to do so then. you said i was always bout me, you never wanted to stand in my way and you can manage the distraught. i told you how i hated it when you said you can handle it and that i'd rather you said what you truly felt coz thats all i needed to hear - you want me to stay. the abandonement. the pack and leave. oh, you don't know how hard i was trying to hold back my tears when you throw me those words.

and this every-now-and-then-over-the-past-two-years-you've-been-looking-back conversation makes me want to hold you tight. to give you a peck. to tell you how much i've missed you. i could have denied so many things, but all this stirs and flutters and this heart-wrench told me that here was something more than what my mind has been telling me. i dont even know if i can call this the tender moment, it didn't sound quite like it. but it certainly felt like one. one that hit me right at my chest. ever felt that you have been waited too long for something to happen? today, this minute this second, it has happened.

is it goin to transpire into something more solid? i don't know. i know i'd glimpsed love. even just so briefly. i had.

Just A Bit More

may is coming to an end now. and nothing is pinned down yet. things are movin thou, not at the speed i'm very please with, but i guess it should do.

many months ago, i was distraught, constantly in the blues, and i could see the wearing off of my skin, layer by layer. its threatening. had i become desperate? i tried not to cry, i cried. i wanted to give up, pack and escape, to leave behind all the misery in the tunnel i'd digged for myself. faith didnt let me to.

the twirls, the circles, the hesitation at that very moment, and then a suave turn right on the beat, the skirt swing up, i laughed.

i just need to be a lil bit more patient.

In a Nutshell

so the past week was rather engaging, emotionally wise, in a good way tho i almost think that i'm goin to have it, that its my turn now, that i can finally stop running and take a 5 mins break.

met up with cuz, left southside with a heavy heart, given a part time unexpectedly, had a mojito, given a haha, pinging ponging back and forth with the commitment issue, met up with RB, eager to impress, finally impressed, given a chance to convince, and told to wait. its a good mix of the bitter and sweet.

the waiting. sigh. no, i'm not starting a complain. i'm just...wordless. the waiting makes ppl feel helpless. and i'm just tryin my best to feel indifferent towards it.

Undefined

before i'm aware of its presence and come to a term, it'd slipped off so completely. all it takes was just a mere 2 seconds.

you know, its just like you see someone, but you don't really see him, he's in the wings. the pain, the stoking, the thrill, the scramble and unscramble that was never really coded in the first place - its all so confusing.

Its Just Like The Ice Cream

ice cream - once it's melted, even if you freeze it again, it'll never be the same, it'd have gone out of shape.

Yo Beatboxer

current state of mood: high

reason: rose plus beardyman. he's sooo totally absolutely mindblowingly brilliant!!!!!! its explosive!!!

gawd!! i can't contain my blood rush!!!

Skin

look, this is what sends pulses - a good chat with someone you like that leads to getting to know her better and liking her better, which then leads to looking up on that website, and which then leads to finding sth that match your interest!!!!

i am excited, literally!!! i dunno why, i just am. richard bojar please say you have time to meet me. please say you've something for me. please.

and i'll love the you as much as i love the SKIN.

SN and GA

it shouldnt be like this. it shouldnt.

WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!

i hate this stomach churning biz. i hate this fluttering flushing pulse racing biz. so listen, you aint gonna give that out, no, you aint gonna do that. you'll get hurt!

but during moments like this, past midnight hours like this, all i want to ask is if i fall, will you catch me just in time?

The Beginning of

the anticipation, is killing her. with every second passses, her pulse climbs higher and higher. the room is so quiet. way too quiet she can even hear the flutters of the wings from her stomach. there was this buzz and this high. damn it. the aftershave. damn it. the desires. all she wants now is to grab a fistfuls of his skin and kiss him right away, curl her fingers around the roughness of his skin and melt into him.

their very first conversation that evening months ago still lingers on her mind. 'did you have fun', thats how it all started. she's a bit surprise how such random question could lead to an exchange of numbers and her promise to show him that chinese music aint boring! sometimes she cant believe how from that one day, things have hurtled and spun so out of control to finally arrive at where they are today - somewhere she can't toe it down properly, she doesnt really know where they're heading, she doesnt at all understand this passage of events and the walls of it. is it boredom? or maybe passion...that's just pure? or something more than just that? she really doesnt know. but its fine. she's fine this way, in a wistful and sometimes sadistic manner - this feeling of sinking but yet standing still, this feeling of falling in and out of dreams, is thrilling, is throbbing. well, at least for the moment, she knows this is where they belong - this place in between two lines and two boxes.

**

will you make the two lines into one? will you?

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tracing your jawline with my fingertips while you rub the ends of my hair. laying my head on your chest, with occasional stolen glance and loaded exchanges, i'm drinking in the scent coming from you, like an addict. i almost feel like i have to tell you i love you. but no, let’s not ruin the moment. i touch my lips to yours, and press my palms against your cheeks. the soft kisses that linger. the feeling of the tip of your tongue on my skin. ahh, how am i to escape.

**

greys and love songs make you want to fall in love all over again.

Chance Upon

you fought, you loved, you lost - thats how it should be. right.

**

romance makes the heart pound. just like panic.

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if i have a flower for everytime you made me smile and laugh, i'd have a garden to walk in forever.

The Ties

the ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. sometimes, you think they are there, but they arent. sometimes, they connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken.

some bonds defy distant, and time and logics. because some ties are simply meant to be.

**

there were phone checkings, mind wandering, small talkings. and then the 'how bout the night' just cut it all out.

**

the shrimp paste chilli thing was totally mindblowing!

Post-

we are capable of conditioning ourselves into feeling any way about someone as long as we are determined enough. thats how sick it gets, isnt it.

**

sometimes, just when things are perfect the way it is, we would start questioning ourselves if it really is so and then go on to dig up the smallest possible negativity that may not even be there.

ah. what the hell am i thinking.

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