Friday, August 29, 2008

I love Fridays

and at the same time, i'm afraid of fridays. afraid to sit on my bed and face the four walls in my room. afraid to be hit by the sudden onset of loneliness.

this is how it's like - on wednesday, i'm always looking forward to friday. when friday's finally here, i'd rather it goes away. not sincerely i reckoned, i still want friday so i don have to go into the lab the next day.

and yes. i'm this indecisive.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Emotion you lil bugger

When emotion gets in the way, nothing sounds right.

I look at her trapping in her own shell, closing her doors to other people as though that will help her mend her broken heart. Maybe it will. I remember I was once like her too, am probably still on occassions, but thats not the point.

I want to help, I have her in my priority list. But what else can I do if she would rather give up the offer which is practically, theoretically and technically better of?

Goodnite

There is always moment of bliss in between that pile of papers if I care to look for it a lil bit more.

Today, you made my searching for that lil joy a bit easier. Your voice from the other side made me happy for a while. Short lived it may seem, but it has silently marked down its presence behind my back, down my spine, and into the pool of fond memories.

Goodnight.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Contained

Today is one of those days again. Sien. Not the nothing to do kind of sien, its the spiritless kinda sien. contained kinda sien. Nothing excites me. Chapter 2 and 3 are still not done.

Called home to look for some form of comfort. Cousin's family was in the house and everyone's getting ready for a big seafood dinner. I want to be there. =(

Den I made myself to take a nap, to nap off this sienness.

It's 3.45pm. You're ringing in my head. I keep clicking around as if it's goin to bring me back to the feeling of Friday. like maybe an email or a message on facebook will appear and I'll smile and Chapter 2 and 3 will be done.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Truth is

I really do like Fridays!

and Bank holidays!

=D hahaha. Now sing!

and the best thing bout stress is that it makes you a happier person when you're over it. so, thank you for being a !@#$%^& in my life.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Shit! and a lot more shit!

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh!!!

!@#$%^&*F^&*(((#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesnt just WORK. LIKE. THIS!!!!!!!

YOU!@#$%^&*((((()!@#$%^&*!@#$%^&

Do I feel any better now?!

NO!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

A good day is made up of

a racing heart, under the duvet, hugs, mahmood's, mint, dreams, smiles, ice-cold coke, wokeh, stupidity, nice hair, numbers, laughs, blanks, pictures, a phone call.

you.

To breathe

Of late I've been caught up with wrapping up my experiments and thesis writing. September is approaching. I no longer tolerate delays and all the waitings. I need the results. I want the results and I want them now! I become impatience with people, casual exchange of greetings and pleasantries become a burden, and the smile is hidden from sight. Excitement lasts only 5 seconds and I forgot to enjoy life. I forgot to spend a lil time with the beauty of things around me and it scares me how cold and response-less a person I've become and that I'm now like some ego-centric maniac.

The knot needs to be loosen. I'll breathe.

Less is more

I'm watching how greediness is crawling out from the pits of my stomach into my mouth.

I was given sweet the other day and now I want more.

Tell me, is less really goin to be more.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

4.30pm today

Nervous. Excited. Blood rushed. This is what I'm feeling now, fleetingly so. There's this buzz and a whole big mush of feelings and emotions growing sporadically in the pit of my stomach. My heart pounds and pumps and whirls as I dialled upon that familiar number; part of me's hoping that you'll never pick up the phone, while the other part of me's eagerly anticipating to hear your voice. I was afraid, afraid of having doors close right in my face, afraid that the warmth is only coming from my side.

'Hello', you pick up the phone only after 3seconds; my breath hitches.

My heart is swirling with lemon and lemonade. this time, I've more lemonade. At least the towel is off the couch now. How could you use it as a cover in the first place. You said you werent surprised about the call. Were you anticipating it, just like how I sometimes do; staring at the mobile phone and wishing your name will suddenly flashes on the screen.

I liked how you still sound the same. You did mean it when you said you're extremely happy rite even though that's what I made you said.

And so tonight. I'm happy. happier. Because I never let that fear to stop me from what I wanted to do but afraid to.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Fear

Till I read hers, I only realised dat since last year May a small part of myself is always living in a closed-up state. buttoned, as how she puts it. I'm more cautious now in all new relationships with people and this cautiousness makes me build an invisible wall unconsciously I don't even see it to everyone who wants to get closer.

I'd always been the one telling my friends that there's no need to be afraid of getting hurt. and that it's stupid to fear for the 'if' and I'll never be in such situation. I have to eat my words now.

I've been hurt. and I'm scared to revise the feeling of having my heart breaking into pieces. I'm scared to have to look into that open wound once again and be left alone to see it bleeds. I'm scared to even think bout what if it's just all in vain when I've put myself so far out there, giving and loving. I'm just scared that I'm the only one who wants to love and the person I love will let my love slips away. It scares me how we all have the ability to break others heart when the person has handed us his/her heart and ask us not to break it. So I withdraw. I hold back. It's sad, but it's true.

but today, I want to tell myself to let it loose and lets be brave.

Mom's B'day

Today's my mom's b'day. and I was a bit geram!! angry with why the card I posted home is missing in action. its been two weeks, everyone else had gotten my gift except my parents! why la like this! sigh. =(


She can only look at the picture of the card I made for her now.

I'll be more geram if I din take a shot of the card.

Friday, August 1, 2008

August

I want a lot of things. but it doesnt seem like I can have all I want the same time. I'm in a pool of uncertainties now. Its already August.

A friend of mine once told me that I think too much. I disagreed with him. I like asking questions, but I was never really serious bout getting an answer. Whys are always difficult to answer. I might have always been on the wanting-to-think-mode, but I never went any deeper. and thats my problem. I become fickle with my emotions, my feelings. the moment plays a big part in influencing my thoughts.

Sometimes I make progress and I honestly believe that I am moving forward, getting closer to what I thought I wanted, but then there are nights when I am alone in my room, feeling so repressed and sharply bout the big chunck of empty space in the puzzle I was building. and den all my initial stands fall apart into a shameful pile. I sleep. I wake up. and I find myself back at square one, rebuilding the puzzle...

I still believe, but theres an invisible slit slowly showing its appearance.