Friday, August 28, 2009

Pointbreak

- i will think of you, what you did, what you are doin, for just a mere fleeting moment. and that tiny fraction of you in my life, in my thoughts is all you can have of me.

- its into the 2nd week now. all i need is to make it to three. then it will be encapsulated in the finest bubble glass.

- its been a long ride. long emotionally spent ride. but i'm starting to get the bearings right.

- time. i hate you. and i love you. you brought me in and you're taking me outta here.

- DM, thank you. KR, thank you maybe. SF, play it by ear. RC, shelf life to be determined.

- lush green grass twinkled with starflowers. breezes tinged with faraway rose and lavender. bread, cheese and a bottle of wine. it will come.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

5 Seconds

time is all i need.

to dilute the wants.
to laugh like a baby.
to fill the gaping hole.
to feel i'm still relevant.
to see you.

and i have time.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Addiction

i'm just feeling spoiled..and finding harder to give up on such tenderness and closeness and the skin on skin.

and the unexpected pout towards the end of the night just to satisfy me wants! tell me, how could i not fall. how.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Night like this

its a night made up of butter and chocolate. the musky taste of the alcohol still lingers on his lips. one buttery kiss, two buttery kisses, three buttery kisses on my lips. my neck. my shoulders. mmmm. this is one of those perfect nights.

i hold him to me for a while. put my hands under his shirt to feel his heart beating. there's some exchange of words on random stuff. and a lot of stolen glances and snogging. fingers crossing, toes curling against the sheet, hair cascading down my back. the feel of his name on my lips is so. nice.

its like seeing flowers and a note for you. its all stars and moonlights and under the cover. its one of those dont-spoil-my-moment moments.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mars

it was drizzling this morning when i left. its 1736 now, and the rain has still not fucking stopped. where i am seated now - at this wooden square table - i can see a lot, but i am very far away from the rain. just this morning, i was very close to it. i could trace the paths of the raindrops on my cheeks, feeling the cool of the rain, on my skin. i remembered the chaffing, the irony, the glances, the smiles that seemed pleased. i remembered the rain that night, and how i loved it most. but right now and right here, sheltered in this room, i'm detached from the rain. we are not in close proximity. and because of that, it has lost its romance. i dont feel it now the same way i do when i know it is close to me. know what i mean?

i am feeling slightly weirded out. rain is so fleeting. i would like to ask it a lot of questions. like why do you fall. why do you fall on me. why such downpours now. can we go back to the drizzles. and no, there's no answer from it. i once thought that everything happens for a reason. see, if i were the rain and i chose to fall on someone, i would be able to give a hundred and one reasons as to why i picked that person to fall on. but then the more i think about it, the more i think those reasons would probably be answering another question altogether, and not the question at hand. yea you are probably right. and perhaps the rain is right too in its deficient answer.

**

theres so much i want to say or ask. but sometimes i just think that there's always a better time to say them, like on the 13th, you know a more perfect time. but when that time never comes, i feel a sense of relief. like, geeee, thank goodness i hadnt blurted out what i wanted to say, look how things ended up anyway. yet, there's always a yet, theres always this persistent lil suspicion that tugs on the ends of my hair, nagging me, whispering nasty taunts like how maybe saying what i had to say would have changed the situation.

these taunts make me cry. they make my stomach churns. and they always make me ask what if? he said, why would you want to live in what ifs and but. i dont have the answers. i’m only human. i’m also curious.

there are a lot of things that i want. i want it happens and i want this to be serious. maybe it'll never be or maybe if i shut up and stopped saying things like that, this could be serious. but i’m not sure of my footing. this is like a strange dance and we are playing by ear.

right now i want nothing more than to just curl up in bed under happy orangey-red summer covers. i need to be tough.

Friday, August 14, 2009

08:45

she just wants things to be perfect. she doesnt want to hide anything. she's had enough of hiding things, hiding herself from the toxic humanity. she doesnt want to cry anymore. she doesnt want the doubt, she want to know that she's special. that there are special things. she wants moments, she wants affection and she wants be spoiled. she wants to give affection. she has sooo much affection to give. she wants to love and be loved. she has so much love to give.

but she's always entering and exiting at the wrong time. or maybe certain things are not meant to be. something not meant to be is never easy.

no. she's just confused. confused coz she has hold it way too close to her heart and that now she's to let it go, she's just feeling a bit lost. and the fact that she cannot explain the emotion annoys her.

**

one night. she's glad one night is all she needs to regain the strength. not fully. but...that will do for now innit. shards of heart. she'll have it back in one piece.

she misses the old her.

**

she's back at the wooden floor. the chocolate cookies makes her smile.

eye lashes, and a green t-shirt. that should be enough right.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Goodbye

there are just way too many things in that concoction to drink in. she's losing it. as they speak, her ability to distinguish the individual ingredient from the mixture is slowly tappering off. how is she feeling. she's wrecked. or maybe not. no idea. still groping at for what feels like the millionth time tonite.

oh yes. this is what it is like - it’s like moving from a house you have lived in for like, forever. a house whose corners you know inside out, know which walls have safeboxes behind them, know which plates go in which cupboards. there are your fav little knickknacks on the shelves, tubs of ice-creams in the fridge, the kitchen perpetually smells like good food. it’s homey, it’s cosy, it’s warm, it’s got you written all over it. you live in this place. you belong to this place, this place belongs to you. and then one day, you’re just picked up and thrown out of this house...and then you dun know what to do...

this is it. this is how it feels like.

**

she wanted to know everything, but now, she would rather not know. damn it!! its been such a long time now, hasnt she learned to bury all the unneccessary emotions to the very pit bottom of that black hole.

the 13th of Aug 2009 is an important date. a special date, the events of which warrant documentation for the future purpose of looking back and saying, this is when it began. and ended.

goodbye. my curly angel.

**

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Wooden Floor and the Broccoli Soup

it was one of those nights of bleakness and dissolution. the chair blocked my views, the nails came off too easily just with the slightest pressure. our lives all sewn in with respective traumas, unfulfilled goals, unrequited love, struggles, archenemies, uncertainties and indecision. these things orbit our heads like weary moons still, consuming me in a thorny garden of many faceless, mediocre roses. i feel deprived. starved, somehow. repressed. oppressed. sad. lonely. disappointed. furious. cold. and the scratching didn't quite cut it.

i needed a dose of endorphines. i screamed. and i moaned. i was searching for liberation. and there you were. right there. calling. curling up with you was nice for however long it lasted. and that baby videos of yours, chubby and wobbly - i dunno why, but for some strange reasons, i like it very much, i like how it made me chuckled, how for a second, i forgotten to sulk. and all the lil gentle gestures, the snippet dialogues, the non-sense teasers, the tenderness, the skin on skin, they just snake their way through into me and remind me of just how lil things can make huge differences.

the night. the smell of white and the armani. how i giggled. and how you laughed, and the occassional emotionless response of you. you're sooo cutely funny. in your own way and i still find it very confusing to an extent how that had helped to take away the disquiet feelings in me. it’s nice to know that these things can be dusted away. it’s a good kind of pressure for growing up.

it was a time of pure bliss. i know i was reprieved. even if its short lived. so thank you.