Sensory Overload

tonight is a chilly nite. i wrap myself around with my newly bought throw thinking about us. the murmurs of sweet nothings. duvet cover. cobblestones. orange light. there's a long silence in the room after i hung up the phone. i miss you.

i can see in my mind the shadowy contours of your body laying next to me. the rhythmic breathing. and hand holding. i want to trace your jaw line, kiss you and melt into you. memory and imagination are so crucial in states like this. otherwise, with what could i fill in the blanks.

we almost missed each other. it gives a pinch in my heart when i realise how fragile everything i hold in my hands is. one insensitive utterance, one day too late, one voicemail not heard, one email not sent, one coach not taken, and we’d be somewhere else. it’s so strange how sometimes all it takes is one second. or one minute. for something big to sweep into our lives unexpectedly and change everything.

but baby, you're in my world now. i didnt say much when you poured your heart out to me. thats not because i dont feel the same. i'm addicted to you. i just didn't know what to say. i was, overwhelmed with the swirl of emotion and all the fuzzy feelings in the pit of my stomach.

i like the sound of the future with you. and when i said i want to be with you, i meant also i want to share that last drop of lemonade with you.

What do I do with you

heart wrenched. stomach's churning as i hear you speak, telling me in the softest tone ever that you're upset. but there's nothing that i could do other than feeling choked. i didnt want to tear. i didn't want to be the reason that makes you worried and upset. i didn't want to let you know how much it pains me inside knowing you're upset. but you're good. as always. you sensed it right away and the next thing i remember was that i was smiling again. tho still in tears.

how do you do it. how do you still have room to make someone else smiles when you're made upset by that person in the very first place. how could you be so sweeet and tender and endearing. you have no idea how much i love you for that.

i really wish i was there, in person and in flesh.

i wish i could do something with my hands and my hugs and tell you there's nothing you need to worry about me instead of being a phone call away.

i wish i don't do things that would worry you. i wish i could be a lil bit more sensitive towards how you feel.

i look back at the photos of you on facebook. the ones you took for my sake and the one you just put up. your eyes, your smile, your dimples, your expression, the child in you, then the man in you. and then i reminisced about the past months, keeping myself company with memories of the silly little things we did, all the cheekiness we were up to, all the snippet dialogues of the lover, all the meaness of me for the sake of fun and glittery excitement where you're always patiently taking it in until i'm bored.

i miss you. i lied when i said i didn't. i have tried not to think bout you so much but that just made me miss you more. i have so much love for you that it spills over. tell me, what do i do.

Moments

nose's still blocking. eyes heavy. but the truth is, she's never been happier. she's never had her feet swept off like this. sigh. le sigh.

there are so many things she wants to say. mostly things about what she feels inside but also things that happened. yet she doesnt really know how to. she wants to talk about the moment. that moment. those moment that tingle all her senses during the conversation. and all that that make her stomach churns after they hung up.

remember the utterance of all the sweet nothingness? all the 20 minutes to an hour and more. even the lil conversation over the fb comments and the pic? all she wanted to do as he speaks bout his concern is to hold him tight and make it all go away.

the laughters. the flutters of heart. the whole big mush of feelings and emotions that grow sporadically in the pit of her stomach. ah and the anticipation for those words that makes her cringed, no not in a disgust way, but more of blood rush, heart race coupled with butterflies in stomach - the zha zha zhu feelings. she thought the butterflies would go away as time goes but it never did. they can always find its way to sneak through her. that's when she wants to grab a fistful of him so badly, melts into him and tell him how much she's fallen for him.

sometimes she still wonders where they are heading. but during times like this that’s fine. during times like this all she wonders is how they can be so lucky to have met each other and be in love. so where they are right now is fine – for the moment, this is where they belong. this place in between two lines and two boxes.

Post-Call

a three hours phone call. an evening with butterflies in the stomach. a lot of walking-down the memory lane. she's now trapped.

all thats ringing in her head an hour post-call is his voice. there's this thing in his voice. she doesnt know what it is but she remembers exactly how she was drawn to him as he speaks, just like honey bee to flowers. those eyes and that smile, sigh, she can't help but wonder if she's ever met anyone like this mischievous yet irresistible. sometimes she thinks she knows him, sometimes he's so elusive, but she likes him most when he catches her off-guard and surprises her with a side of him she's never known; like that tenderness of him. that tenderness could so easily be overlooked.

the fond memories at the train station, pharmacy store, puddles of water, high heels, ever spontaneous and cheeky response that cracks her up all time, the sweet mornings and space invading, making fun, winbledon, scribbles of note, lil blue box - she doesnt know how not to fall in love.

it’s gonna be a wintry world of long distance and time differences, but she's really excited that in a months time they will be in each other's arms again.

Missed Call

this is all that matters.

the message. you. your voice.

i have the voicemail to replay itself. you speak, i smile.

thats all i need for the night.

For the First Time in A Long Time

i feel the heat. and the fluttering in my heart.

this minute, this second, as i look at you sleeping soundly next to me, i'm falling into you. i dunno how did all this started. things have morphed so quickly into something i am so scared to admit. i remembered just past couple of weeks, i told myself that this's gonna be casual, light-hearted, temporary, and i can just drop it as and when i want, but i guess feelings dont lie, feelings dont just switch on and off.

i dunno how not to submit to the many laughters and all the fuzzy feelings you secretly instilled in me. the smiles, the silly lil things we did, the buttery kisses, the teases, and all the cheekiness we were up to. i love how you always grope around the bed in the middle of the night to find my hand and hold me tightly to your chest, and then us falling asleep together holding hands, with our legs entwined and warm under the sheets. i love how you always catch me off-guard and surprise me with a side of you i've never known. all these lil things.

i wonder sometimes where we go from here. but at least at this moment, this second, i know as i close my eyes i think of you, when i come across something funny i wish to tell you so that we can laugh about it together, i want to hold your hand, kiss you, run with you. i don't think i know you all that well but this is simply how i feel.

Tonight

12.45am

tossing and turning. heart pain. missing you. am a lost. confused.

summer is pretty. and at the same time painful. flashes of memories. i don remember the scenes much, but in the strangest of ways, i remember how i felt.

Expiry Date

i meant to write this long time ago when it happened so i can remember how it was like that day. but never did until i was reminded this morning when i walked past EP.

the talks reminded me of the spring. it was the best spring ever! all the lil moments we shared even it was fleeting. the chemistry. the bonds.

you're once my favourite person. and i always secretly hope that you'll be the favourite person of all time. what's changed? the unspoken expiry date? perhaps we are all judgmental. for a moment over the pie and lemon, i thought the air was clear. i thought we were friends again.

it was a good catching up tho.

So

there are still decisions to make. tickets to buy. room to enter.

win some lose some.

i fell in love and out of love. earned some scars along the way. spent a lot time doing things i dont know if they were good and little to no time doing the things i should be doing. its a year and a half now.

so what if i cry? so what if trust is a hollow shell? so what if love is fleeting?

i just cannot help to submit myself to the trap.

All Smiles

happiness is sitting on the horizon and yes. i'm happy now. this very minute. happier. bois. i love bois! bois are just like the pencils. graphite. gel ink. glossy finish. sanded. round. hexagonal. triagular. incense cedar. oh i have a sentimental favourite for the wooden pencils. particularly when the paint is thick. buttery and flawless!

Macaroons

all it takes is a good conversation. full hearted smile. a pack of chocolate macaroons. and the snowy wintry january can be just as warming!