For the First Time in A Long Time

i feel the heat. and the fluttering in my heart.

this minute, this second, as i look at you sleeping soundly next to me, i'm falling into you. i dunno how did all this started. things have morphed so quickly into something i am so scared to admit. i remembered just past couple of weeks, i told myself that this's gonna be casual, light-hearted, temporary, and i can just drop it as and when i want, but i guess feelings dont lie, feelings dont just switch on and off.

i dunno how not to submit to the many laughters and all the fuzzy feelings you secretly instilled in me. the smiles, the silly lil things we did, the buttery kisses, the teases, and all the cheekiness we were up to. i love how you always grope around the bed in the middle of the night to find my hand and hold me tightly to your chest, and then us falling asleep together holding hands, with our legs entwined and warm under the sheets. i love how you always catch me off-guard and surprise me with a side of you i've never known. all these lil things.

i wonder sometimes where we go from here. but at least at this moment, this second, i know as i close my eyes i think of you, when i come across something funny i wish to tell you so that we can laugh about it together, i want to hold your hand, kiss you, run with you. i don't think i know you all that well but this is simply how i feel.

Tonight

12.45am

tossing and turning. heart pain. missing you. am a lost. confused.

summer is pretty. and at the same time painful. flashes of memories. i don remember the scenes much, but in the strangest of ways, i remember how i felt.

Expiry Date

i meant to write this long time ago when it happened so i can remember how it was like that day. but never did until i was reminded this morning when i walked past EP.

the talks reminded me of the spring. it was the best spring ever! all the lil moments we shared even it was fleeting. the chemistry. the bonds.

you're once my favourite person. and i always secretly hope that you'll be the favourite person of all time. what's changed? the unspoken expiry date? perhaps we are all judgmental. for a moment over the pie and lemon, i thought the air was clear. i thought we were friends again.

it was a good catching up tho.

So

there are still decisions to make. tickets to buy. room to enter.

win some lose some.

i fell in love and out of love. earned some scars along the way. spent a lot time doing things i dont know if they were good and little to no time doing the things i should be doing. its a year and a half now.

so what if i cry? so what if trust is a hollow shell? so what if love is fleeting?

i just cannot help to submit myself to the trap.

All Smiles

happiness is sitting on the horizon and yes. i'm happy now. this very minute. happier. bois. i love bois! bois are just like the pencils. graphite. gel ink. glossy finish. sanded. round. hexagonal. triagular. incense cedar. oh i have a sentimental favourite for the wooden pencils. particularly when the paint is thick. buttery and flawless!

Macaroons

all it takes is a good conversation. full hearted smile. a pack of chocolate macaroons. and the snowy wintry january can be just as warming!

The Crisp White Shirt

i miss you.

4.28am

4.28am. i was supposed to be in bed, but no. i was forced awake by the dream. a dream of summer and fresh sheets and melting sun which i've tried so hard to parcel away.

4.28am. i was brought back to the night of our very first date. and the second. and third...i remembered exactly how my heart was tingled with happiness each time we met. i remembered exactly the fun and glittery excitement of the exchanging of texts, the teases; things have so quickly morphed into sth you never had a clue about.

but life has this strange ways of doing things. before you even realise what this is all about its no longer there.

That's cause

everything inside it never came out right.

**

but it wouldnt change. it would still be a half heartbroken half contented life.

**

and the macaroons certainly had made the chilly greyish evening a bit less gloomy. its just too good to resist having the 2nd piece and the 3rd, 4th...

Bond and Bonding

its a mystery how we fall in love, who we fall in love with, why we fall in love, but we do.

life is a vacuum cleaner. it sucks.

what is that. advantages dread of loss?