I don't know

After the phone call, part of me was relieved. yet another part of me felt grey. heavy.

then there's a warm greeting from SS. the man I'm so proud to be related with. He reminded me about dad's 60th b'day this year. and that if I was thinking of goin home then. He said he will.

I didnt know what to say. I feel like I'm in a total mess right now. I'm not grounded. I feel crumpled out of shape. and I feel helpless. helpless because I don't know where I'll be then. I dont know if I'm able to live up to my expectations. the realisation that dad's turning 60 this year, sigh, it gives a strong pinch in my heart. it is so glaringly painful.

then I remembered clearly the train station moment just a month ago. where I sent my family off. there was a little twinge of sadness, and a collective pain that hovers in the stale air of train station. it is coming back to haunt me now, when I'm most vulnerable.

I need to chill. to get this off my chest.

fuck the waiting.