9am and 5pm

9am. i was greeted with utter despair.

at this very second, i thought to myself - c'mon, let me just trip over my own feet and when i stand up and brush the dirt off my skirt, i will find that it's yesterday again, and i will have made the call earlier, den i will not have to go thru all this shit now. but i didn't trip. and i didn't find that it was yesterday. it was still today, very much so, painfully and realistically.

can you take me off that rocking boat.


**

really, all i wanted to do was forget the reason why i was angry because it is about something that i have spent way too much time being angry about, and it is also something that i cannot change.

but you know, forgetting is never a one second thing.

**

5pm. i was given what i needed the most. strength. the voices from home. the sound of tenderness. and the sound of silence that comes after the comforting phone call. the permanance of it comforted me. it also didn't expect anything from me, and that liberated me.

i can never mentioned enough how grateful i am to have the people in my life to be so understanding and not blaming me for what has happened.

and thus, i can heal myself. far, far, far removed from the toxic aid of humanity.

i can hold on to my tears and stand up once again.

i wasn't ok when i said i was. but i'm ok now.

so, the last thing you need to worry is me. ok.

**

maybe its good that we do not have the ability to turn back time.


**

and so tonight i am happy. happier. contented. because of life. and your presence.

i love you, pa
i love you, ma
i love you, sis