Mars

it was drizzling this morning when i left. its 1736 now, and the rain has still not fucking stopped. where i am seated now - at this wooden square table - i can see a lot, but i am very far away from the rain. just this morning, i was very close to it. i could trace the paths of the raindrops on my cheeks, feeling the cool of the rain, on my skin. i remembered the chaffing, the irony, the glances, the smiles that seemed pleased. i remembered the rain that night, and how i loved it most. but right now and right here, sheltered in this room, i'm detached from the rain. we are not in close proximity. and because of that, it has lost its romance. i dont feel it now the same way i do when i know it is close to me. know what i mean?

i am feeling slightly weirded out. rain is so fleeting. i would like to ask it a lot of questions. like why do you fall. why do you fall on me. why such downpours now. can we go back to the drizzles. and no, there's no answer from it. i once thought that everything happens for a reason. see, if i were the rain and i chose to fall on someone, i would be able to give a hundred and one reasons as to why i picked that person to fall on. but then the more i think about it, the more i think those reasons would probably be answering another question altogether, and not the question at hand. yea you are probably right. and perhaps the rain is right too in its deficient answer.

**

theres so much i want to say or ask. but sometimes i just think that there's always a better time to say them, like on the 13th, you know a more perfect time. but when that time never comes, i feel a sense of relief. like, geeee, thank goodness i hadnt blurted out what i wanted to say, look how things ended up anyway. yet, there's always a yet, theres always this persistent lil suspicion that tugs on the ends of my hair, nagging me, whispering nasty taunts like how maybe saying what i had to say would have changed the situation.

these taunts make me cry. they make my stomach churns. and they always make me ask what if? he said, why would you want to live in what ifs and but. i dont have the answers. i’m only human. i’m also curious.

there are a lot of things that i want. i want it happens and i want this to be serious. maybe it'll never be or maybe if i shut up and stopped saying things like that, this could be serious. but i’m not sure of my footing. this is like a strange dance and we are playing by ear.

right now i want nothing more than to just curl up in bed under happy orangey-red summer covers. i need to be tough.