Ever since I read the email I have been feeling a bit dejected, a bit discomfort, a bit ironic, a bit miserable. And I can only accept it. Accept the fact that it's not happening. Accept the fact that I've failed myself. It sucked. It still sucks. So stinkily.
The diversion this evening has helped a lil in pulling me out of that stinkiness. The covers were down covering the entrance, but the side door was opened. We were laughing over our jokes, the past, the sweet memories, the grown-ups-and-downs, tantalizing the bitter sweet taste with occasional sighs. Den, I forgot the side door was still left opened.
And so now, that stench of stink seeped in. I'm not on top of things. I'm not giving my best shot even though I always said I did. That piece of evidence has just spelled it out, dissing me so deliberately at my face. There, right there.
Why do I always have to aim for the best? Why can't I just be happy with second tier? Why am I bothered by it so much? Ya know, the answer to these questions is so obvious; it is because it involves the future, of where I will be in the months to come, my future, and I want that future to be what I want it to be, healthy and happy.
I've not made it any closer to that.
But, I will. Failing once doesn't mean that it's the end. I really hate to have that stinky smell on me.
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