Way Back Into Love

Way Back Into Love - Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore

I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on!

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

[Chorus]All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it true without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

[Chorus]All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!
Oooooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

[Chorus]All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!
Oooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooh Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh.

Me is listening to this song now.
Me is in need of inspiration.

Missing...

Missing. That missing piece is still with him.

So much it leaves a hole in her heart, takes a layer off her skin. It leaves her raw and open, always waiting, eternally sensitive to the slightest intimation that may be near.

Even in her sleep, she's not immune.

Viennese Whirl

Am goin classical today.

Music really does soothe one's soul. Today's performance was marvellous! Bravo! Why on earth did I not go to any orchestra back then? Coz the good ones are always expensive back home! Duh.

But now, hehe, I shall start takin the advantage of being a student here. Can you imagine, all the concert, opera, orchestra, play in town hall costs only a freaking 5 pounds for students under 26! And the seats are fantastic! They are all front seats. Front. Seats.

Even better was that there wasnt anyone in front of us! Everywhere else was occupied except the seats in front of us! Say, aint that jus awesome?!

And Allan Clayton has a very typical english smile, which sweeps my feet off, so totally! *blush*. He's cute! I was staring at him. Literally. Well, not like he will notice. Everyone stares at him.

We have:-

Suppé - Morning, Noon and Night in Vienna
Johann Strauss II - Wine, Women and Song
Mozart - Die Zauberflöte: Dies Bildnis ist bezaubernd schön
Lehár - Paganini: Girls were made to love and kiss
Johann Strauss II - Annen Polk
Johann Strauss II - Excursion Train Polka
Richard Strauss - Der Rosenkavalier: waltzes
Johann Strauss II - Thunder and Lightning Polka
Johann Strauss II - Tales from the Vienna Woods
Adam - Oh Holy Night
Lehár - The Land of Smiles: You are my heart’s delight
Josef Strauss - Sphärenklänge
Josef Strauss - Jockey Polka
Josef Strauss - Emancipated Woman Polka
Eduard Strauss - Mit Extrapost J
Johann Strauss II - On the Beautiful Blue Danube

I was brought back to a time where the princess and her prince are dancing in swirls, ever so happily. Then I had the face of the princess and prince drawn of me and you. It's different, it doesn't have the fairy tale's feel. Neither it is graceful. The image was jus, funny. Funny in a cute way. I can't do that swirl or swing biz, but I knew I was smiling.

If only we get a chance to do a ballroom dancing together.

Frustration

Time like this makes me miss you even more.

How can joy turn into sadness, in a blink of an eye?

I am frustrated at myself for my inability to make things more pleasant. I am frustrated that I am letting such trivial emo stuff dominate my thoughts. Deeply, I know that this frustration stems from a combination of a myriad reasons that are invisible to the naked eye.

Meanie

I'm being mean again.

And I'm seriously feeling bad about it. Silent treatment; sometimes it can be more hurting than all the nasty harsh words. And I know exactly how it feels to be the receiving end of such treatment. It sucks. And, really, nobody deserves to be treated this way. Yet, I'm doin it. Again and again.

Why couldn't I say it out so direct what bothers me? Why have I submitted myself to behave this way knowing I'll regret later.

Not feeling comfortable. Not anymore. I can see it so clearly that I'm taking a step backward, more than a step. I'm shutting the door, my door. I'm being defensive. It's no longer an action under control, more like a reflex action that just snaps. Auto-pilot, is that what it is. Like how it's in Click, it happens just way too fast before I could refrain myself from being in that tone.

Do I even know what to do to right it? Perhaps.

The roses again and me smelling so good

And, my room looks so much cosy and nicer now with the roses! =p.

Marks & Spencer's body cream moisturizer blended with a harmony of jasmine, lily, orange and sublte musk smells sooo good, on meeeeeeeee!!! It's such a tantalizing aroma! I realised I keep smelling myself after applying it after shower. Gosh. I jus loooooooooove myself so much now!

And. If only you're here.

Roses, that made me smile

I'm a lil happy now. So I decided not to be too lazy. Ok. no. I'm very very happy now. So I decided to do a lil trimming for the roses I jus received instead of letting them be all so bushy with the leaves, and takin a few shots of it. And now I'm at my desk, writing. I promise I'll do some reading after this.

Roses, can be one of my movtivation too. =))

I don't have a vase with me, and trying to be green this time, =p, I'm implementing this recycling biz. Ha. I'm kinda proud of myself now. I'm using the pasta bottle as my vase. It doesn't look too bad at all, does it? Hehe.

Orange-y roses. It does make me smile looking at it. First time receiving orange-y roses. It's really sweet of you, thank you sooo very much. =))

Here's a close-up look. Say, it looks nice. I don't know why, but the focusing biz worked only once with more than 10 times of trying. Hmph.

White roses, pink roses, dark red roses, and now I've orange-y roses. When am I goin to get blue roses, black roses, yellow roses, purple roses? I'm not being greedy, am I? =p

I'm smiling now.

Ok. Lets get back to work. =))

Lazy bum

The laziness in me is kickin in again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarh.

Shopping does wear me out. The worst is that I've only managed to spent 30 pounds after one day's of hard work, with my feet in pain now.

Heh. At least I bought something I reaaaaally like. =p Wanna take a pic and put it up here, but again, I'm jus feeling soo lazy I don't even want to get out of my nice warm bed. Yea. I'm doin all my work and typing on the bed. And then fallin asleep.

And I soo wanted to put up the picture of my christmas eve dinner and den christmas dinner too. Looks like it's either goin to be delayed or never happen. The latter is more likely to be the case.

Tell me, why am I such a lazy bum these days?! I have 2 weeks left to finish up my 4 assigments and study for another 4 subjects. Russ russ, I need a dose of your meaness now. I'm being too complacent with my current state.

OK. I've a conclusion. Christmas is a festive that make people like me a lazy arse.

Girls being girls

Haven't done this for ages, and it certainly was a lot of fun. =p Us, playin with our new toy!

Ying Zi and Hiromi getting all ready to dirty the pallete.

This is Ying Zi's first time. She's really stayin focused huh! =) And she's soo cute for being extremely careful when raping the colours coz she din want the powder and all the glittery stuff lyin all over. So delicate!

Hiromi doin her eyes. She's the best among all. And I like the colour she put on her eyes!

and thats Meee putting on the blusher. The trick is, smile first and feel your cheek bone, den only apply. That's what I was told. =p

Now with the lip gloss. Yum Yum. And I think I really should do sth to my hair now! OK. I'm starting to be vain. Who cares?! =p

Ta-daa. The next top model. Keke. Please don't puke. Ok ok. I think I'm jus acting really stupid. Blek.

Why do I look sooo awkward? Ok. I think Hiromi can be the next top model. =) I needa learn how to post in a err better way.

Girls. And we're proud to be girls! What would you be thinkin if guys were to do something like that?!

p/s: I think I want to take up a professional make-up course. And do a part time. Hehe.

Friends oh friends

I don't know why but I'm in this cant-stop-smiling-state. =)))

There're really no obvious reasons for me to be this elated. But I am.

So I started to think, what made me happy today, at this very moment.

1) Hiromi told me that there'll be fireworks display at the Millenium Square this New Year knowing how big a sucker of fireworks I am. I shouted OMFG in extreme joy!

2) Talkin to Wee Yee always made me laugh. What's more with him in the all red one piece uniform, that sort which the coool manly plumber always wears in movie. Gosh. He's sooo cute! in a funny way. Haha.

3) The thought of playin with our new pinky toy tomorrow with Ying Zi and Hiromi jus gives me this acute excitement! Its goin to be a day with colours. Hohoho. I can't wait to see the product of it.

4) Tang Tang's sooo sweet sending me the pic of him and SM immediately when I told him how much I miss seeing faces of my cool buddies.

Friends. Awww. My friends are such a lovely bunch! How can I live without them? How is my life goin to be meaningful without them? How can I share all my happiness and tears if it's without them? How?

All my love and hugz to all of you!

p/s: hugs. Big bear hug. it is the most wonderful and precious thing in the world.

Candle Light

Candle light. The soft, flickering light, the light of love and passion. It's a moment of romance, softening the darkness.

The touch of warmth,
the glowing hope and love,
and the delicious aroma,
only tantalizes and tempts my heart,
beckoning me towards you.

p/s: Ok. Me, you've gotta stop immersing yourself in this romance thingy. He's not here. Not anymore.

Did I not mention I bought some pink candles with the scent of cyprus rose? Ok. It doesn't look pink in this photo, but it's really in pink. Purplelish pink. Hmm, maybe I should get a candle holder. and some glass beads. and more candles. pillar candles.

pp/s: and I'm glad that my camera can actually capture the candle light. Not pro, but I think it's good enough, heh, with my sucky skill in photography. I should start learning. =p

OMG!! I'm sooo loving Boots!

OMG, I'm sooo loving Boots in Christmas!!!

Shopping really does make one happy! Soo happy that I have to take a picture of all the pretty stuff I bought and put them here! =p

Awww, tell me, ain't this gorgeous? right? right? Its sooo pinky and cute and girly and me! Ok. Maybe not soo me, but it's certainly something I should have. =p I love the colour! It matches my bedsheet. And I tell you, the content inside is even better! What do you think it is?!

Ta-daaa. Ain't this brilliant?! And it costs only a freaking 8 pounds! 8 pounds only eh!

This will go to the host. =(. I sooo wanted to keep it to myself. Candles, oh candles. And they are glittery candles! Soo chrismassy! 3 pounds. Ain't it jus dirt cheap?! Damn. Why didn't I think of buying two? Arggghh.

This will go as well. =((. Can I ask the lucky chap who get this gift during the gift exhange to let me have the casing and he/she has what's inside? 5 pounds. What do you expect?

And, I didn't even need to pay for that 5 pounds. Haha. Which is the coolest thing! Lalala. The match and mix 3 for 2 biz always work. Doesnt it? Well, it certainly works on me. The tip is, be smart, always grab your friends to buy with you!

There are soo many more christmas gifts with absolutely awesome packaging and wrapping in Boots in the price range of 5 to 30 pounds. I love all those that come with a bag and pretty casing! Awwww. Tell me, how can I not be attracted to them when they're all so nicely packaged?! Yea. I'm a total sucker of pretty stuff. Especially they are all my fav bodycare stuff, cosmetics, hair stuff. T.H.E G.I.R.L. S.T.U.F.F. I'm soo definitely goin back. On boxing day! Lets pray all that I want will be discounted then. =p If not, I will bring my camera with me.

I'm reaaally happy now! And I need more money now! =p

Christmas oh Christmas

The Christmas deco's in the shopping complexes are sooooooo awesomely beautiful!

It's kinda strange that I've never really paid attention to them when I was home and only now I want to see more, and take pictures of and with it. Hmm. Human nature huh, when you don't have it you want it even more.

It's very different here as there aint many big shopping complexes, small shops don't do as much decos and they're only ordinary. We have shopping streets though. =p So, really there aint nothing fantabulous to check out other than the street deco and lightings. Where's all the excitement? Where's all the chrismassy stuff?

I'll be missing the fireworks and countdown! I've been searching high and low for information on how Leeds celebrates New Year's eve and it's so disappointing that I didn't get much out of the search. And no, fireworks display is not even mentioned. Countdown has to be accompanied by fireworks. No?

Was just talking to Hiromi the other day on how we normally wrap up the year. I've always spent my Christmas and New Year's eve with my family, if not close friends and a lot of eating and drinking and get high, in spirit (hehe), and last but not least, fireworks and lots of hugging. It's always a loud, merry and people festive celebration.

Awww. I'm starting to miss the Christmas and New Year celebration back home now. With my folks and crayzee sisters and friends and fireworks and the warmth. I like a white christmas but apparently its not goin to happen here, most people have gone back to thier home or travelling, why am I stuck here with the books? Awww. Sheesssh. I'm expecting a quite peaceful (nicely put) christmas and new year this year, but not thiiiiiiiis quiet eh!

Moments of Bliss

Today's a wonderful day. =)) I'm happy. Really happy. Jus when I was in between the utter misery, sickness, frustration and feeling dislocated, I was sent these things from heaven.

The sky still looks grey but when you look at it again, that shades of the blue-ish greyness are somewhat, not that grey anymore.

The voices from home. Never had I enjoyed so much listening to the complaints from my lovely sisters, and the teasing at each others with some wicked laughters behind the drops, and mum's never changing reminder suddenly was turned into some nice tune.

And jus as when I was doin my routine, I was text to check my email that I am invited for the first round interview! That really boosted my adrenaline flow! Which den followed with a greeting from a good friend from US! And then a facebook message telling me how she has enjoyed talking with me. And another friend said he'll get me the movie 200 hundred pounds lady which jus days ago he was being such a meanie.

And you.

I like how our conversation went this morning. I like the fact that you talked to your cuz about me. I like the fact that you said you might want to come here for a visit, whether or not it's goin to be materialized, I jus like the thought of it. I like the way you crapped and came up with some nonsense reasons why you think I'm always falling sick, which of coz I ardently disagreed. I like how you show your concern over me and family. I like the way you put a smile on my face. I, like the softness in you today.

The emptiness I felt is replaced with a moment of bliss.

Randomness 2

I want to go Prague and Budapest!

Haunted

It's at night, again. And the cough is coming back to haunt me.

All the lonely, miserable, tired, empty feelings are expanding their territories and eating my senses, bit by bit, slowly diffusing yet so conspicuously prominent. Suddenly, everything jus becomes stagnant. Its like the curve of saturation. The feeling of emptiness has reached its saturation point and there's only so much one can feel.

The ultimate state of desolation. There's where I am now.

Emotionally aimless. Cold.

Ok. I don't even know what I'm talking about now.

The smile in the mirror is jus looking so pathetic.

The future

One world, one people. Would this be happening in the future?

How's the world goin to be like in the next 100 years? or 500 years? or 1000 years?

Are the people then goin to have superior genes where everyone is genius and everyone is goin to look cool?

Would the people then experience a life we now see in the movie, with everything automated, remote controlled, flying cars, and you can be present anywhere anytime you want.


Hmm. I think I must be toxicated by the stupid cough and started thinkin nonsense.

Annoyed again!

Annoyed annoyed annoyed!

Harlo?!! Please don't cross the border! I'm not freakin obligated to ASK you to come along. So stop bugging me with that sorta stupid question! I don't even feel like talkin! What's more to share! And remember, I don't even give a damn with your goings, so please step out of my way!

Distance. Privacy. Learn that please!



Ok. I know I shouldn't sound this mad and defensive over this trivial lil thing. PHeww. Calm down. Probably I should learn not to be soo mean sometimes. Sigh.

Cliches

Every all out struggle we wage is a cause for becoming an unbeatable champion.

We must never be complacent.

A person who has known defeat becomes stronger.

Unspeakable

I'm feeling utterly miserable and sick now. The cough is really getting me and I wonder if I'll cough my lungs out the next second. The fact that I can't control this coughing biz freaks me out a lil. I was literally standing in front of the basin for a good 3 mins, afraid that I'll throw up anytime bcoz the cough didn't want to stop. It just went on and on, pushin my limits. I couldn't even speak, my eyes're redden, filled with tears, and it's so painful inside. I look soo horrible now, and exhausted. I don't want to be tortured like this! Pleaseee, go away! =(

Why am I not recovering yet? Awwwwww. Shhheeesh. Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn. Medicine. Why aint you doin something?

He didn't reply

He, didn't reply. Not even with a bye.

She, was disappointed.

Randomness

Glitters

Candles

Level 7

DJ

Clark Quay

Pork Chop Noodle

Perdana View

Hoogarden

Rawang

Gen 2

The Curve

Door

Angel

Toes

Guitar

Cinneleisure

Fireworks

EZ link

Laundry

Parkview

Jurlique

Cinema

KK

Black

1am

Aeroline

813

Dark Blue

Penang

Ale

Palm-Oleo

Soo much of..

Havin read what's been goin on lately with my home country, I jus feel a lil sad.

Whats with all these laws?

Whats with all these detainment goin on non stop?

Whats with all these scandals?

How am I goin to tell my international friends Malaysia is indeed a democratic peaceful country full of potential who cares for her people? Malaysia is but the ruler makes her neither.

How am I not be embarassed with all the ridiculous senseless statements made by the ministers which is no more than a laughing stock?

So much of fairness, responsibility and self belief.

I hate this!

Head is heavy, throat is hurting, body is burning, toes are freezing.

And I feel like fainting.

Is there more to come?

His Sigh...

'you are not taking care of yourself, haiiiih.' he sighed deeply, after knowing she's down with a fever.

That worried-ness in his tone, touched her a little. She knows that he still cares for her. Feeling weak, she gave him a smile of assurance that she's fine. Her feet was no longer cold, it's replaced with the warmth from him. He always rubbed her feet and hands so gently with his rough hands she's in love with when she's feeling cold, she remembers. All the time.

'get some rest and drink more water, k?', he said it so softly before he left.

Tears, was rolling down her cheeks. Not because she's sad. There was dancing in her mind, the memory of him and his love.

Again, she's trapped in his web.

Cold

Shivering. I'm sitting on my bed, bundled up heavily with a 13 tog duvet, with the heater on and windows, door closed, why am I still feeling so cold? where is all the warmth??

Worse is that my body is aching all over since I got up this mornin'. A slight touch on my skin creates nothin but a burning and tingly sensation; as if there are a million needles poking me. I feel so lethargic, I couldnt even keep myself standing. No mood, I jus wish to soak myself inside a 37C water bath, to get rid of the freezing toes and numb my senses.

Am I down with something? Ohhh please, noooo!

Why why why?

Why am I still soo annoyed?

I don't understand. How could the same question asked by two different people be treated so differently? I know I shouldn't have sounded soo nasty and cold, but heck. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to be nice and talkin happily when I was indeed irritated, jus to show that lil courtesy and manner.

It wasn't like this before. I used to be able to handle all these stupid questions and lame jokes with a passing smile or even cracking it. How could the change be soo drastic and suddenly turned into something which irk me soo much?

People-people interaction. What a tricky lil thing.

I'm starting to wonder, is havin double or even triple-standard reallly that awful? We practice it all the time anyway everywhere. Even our government does that, which really is something I personally think is unacceptable.

Yet. I'm now doin it myself. Arggghhh.

Surreal

It's soo surreal.

'Alo', he said.

'Mornin', she replied, looking up for a second to meet his eyes.

It was there; they both knew it. She would have walked to him the moment she saw him and pulled herself to him. Holding her tightly, he would have kissed her, with all the passion and longing that he held in. She would have wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss with all the denial and want she had inside her.

But, that was just a fantasy. Something to look forward to someday. Someday.

'How's everything? How long are you stayin this time?' he asked.

'If I say, till the holidays is finished, would you still take me to dinner?' she questioned as a bright smile flooded her face.

'Eh? Heh. It's a date, we have.' The small smile on his face turned into a degree of seriousness.

She nodded her head slowly, as she looked down into her lap. She twisted her fingers together. She's swooned all over.

She knew he's staring at her. That burning gazing of his; her heart is racing, the butterffly effect in her stomach is making her flush. She turned her face around swiftly towards him, catching his stare and seeing his face moving forward. She unconsciously licked her pinkish red lips, knowing, expecting, wanting what she knew was coming.

His lips finally touched hers. The amount of relief and emotion that washed over both of them was neither ever felt before, yet it was so familiar. It's been a long while, for both of them.

She could feel her heart beating loudly as she placed her hand on his face. The soft graze of his lips with hers, suckling slightly before running his tongue along her bottom lips, gave her a shudder. She's overwhelmed with the taste and sensations. Submitting to his request, with her eyes closed, she opened her mouth as he dipped his tongue inside, touching, tasting, caressing. She could feel his hand tighten on her waist as she kissed him gently one more time...and one more time...

When...

When a girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.
When a girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.
When a girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a girl answers " I'm fine " after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.
When a girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.
When a girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.
When a girl says " I love you " ... she means it.
When a girl says " I miss you " ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Liked this, very much, and here with some of my add-ons...

When a girl turns her back to you ... she is waiting for your hug.
When a girl lays her gentles kisses on your eyelids, your nose, your cheeks, your lips ... nothing in the world is more precious than you.
And when a girl says 'I'm leaving' ... she is waiting to hear you say 'please stay'.

Say yoooo

Hey yooooo. Am done!! All done! Hohoho....

All the sad depressing songs suddenly have turned into some happy cheerful songs. Weird.

Hehehe.

Hyper State

GOshhhhh! I'm in a hyper state now and I can't concentrate on wrapping up my esssay! What I really want now is to do nothing, but spread this hyper-ness to all my other friends. Haha, Yea, that's exactly what I've done!! and man. How can all my friends be thiiiiiis lovely and cute?!! I'm sooo loving them!

I don't remember takin any ecstacy last nite, why am I soooo bouncy and ecstatic? Hmmmm

Holidays are jus around the corner.....lalala

Happy Happy Happy!!

HOhohoho, I'm sooooo hyper now!

Nothing beats having the presentation out of my mind our my way out of my laptop!!! Yes, yes, I know, I know. It's only one lil presentation, and it worth only a freakin 10%.

Can't stop smiling now. I feel like I'm flying. Hehehe. lalala....And I'm sooo excited bout tonite's x'mas party. Hope it's a good one, to celebrate assignment no more for this week! Yea, it's only for this week. I still have another 4 to due after x'mas. But wat the heck. Party comes first now!

Everything feels soooo good and right. Talkin to an old friend, and man, I'm just sooo happy now! Happy Happy Happy!

2 more days, and off we go, kissing the semester goodbye!

Truth and justice are no longer Malaysian way

Stumbled upon this piece of article, of how Malaysia is in the eye of others.

Truth and justice are no longer Malaysian way
By Michael Backman
The Age, November 21, 2007

THE Government of Australia will probably change hands this weekend. There will be no arrests, no tear gas and no water cannons. The Government of John Howard will leave office, the Opposition will form a government and everyone will accept the verdict.

For this, every Australian can feel justifiably proud. This playing by the rules is what has made Australia rich and a good place in which to invest. It is a country to which people want to migrate; not leave.

Now consider Malaysia. The weekend before last, up to 40,000 Malaysians took to the streets in Kuala Lumpur to protest peacefully against the judiciary's lack of independence, electoral fraud, corruption and a controlled media.

In response, they were threatened by the Prime Minister, called monkeys by his powerful son-in-law, and blasted with water cannons and tear gas. And yet the vast majority of Malaysians do not want a change of government. All they want is for their government to govern better.

Both Malaysia and Australia have a rule of law that's based on the English system. Both started out as colonies of Britain. So why is Malaysia getting it so wrong now?

Malaysia's Government hates feedback. Dissent is regarded as dangerous, rather than a product of diversity. And like the wicked witch so ugly that she can't stand mirrors, the Government of Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi controls the media so that it doesn't have to see its own reflection.

Demonstrations are typically banned. But what every Malaysian should know is that in Britain, Australia and other modern countries, when people wish to demonstrate, the police typically clear the way and make sure no one gets hurt. The streets belong to the people. And the police, like the politicians, are their servants. It is not the other way around.

But increasingly in Malaysia, Malaysians are being denied a voice — especially young people.

Section 15 of Malaysia's Universities and University Colleges Act states that no student shall be a member of or in any manner associate with any society, political party, trade union or any other organisation, body or group of people whatsoever, be it in or outside Malaysia, unless it is approved in advance and in writing by the vice-chancellor.Nor can any student express or do anything that may be construed as expressing support, sympathy or opposition to any political party or union. Breaking this law can lead to a fine, a jail term or both.The judiciary as a source of independent viewpoints has been squashed. The previous prime minister, Mahathir Mohamad, did many good things for Malaysia, but his firing of the Lord President (chief justice) and two other Supreme Court judges in 1988 was an unmitigated disaster. Since then, what passes for a judiciary in Malaysia has been an utter disgrace and the Government knows it.

Several years ago, Daim Zainuddin, the country's then powerful finance minister, told me that judges in Malaysia were a bunch of idiots. Of course we want them to be biased, he told me, but not that biased.

Rarely do government ministers need to telephone a judge and demand this or that verdict because the judges are so in tune with the Government's desires that they automatically do the Government's beckoning.

Just how appalling Malaysia's judiciary has become was made clear in recent weeks with the circulation of a video clip showing a senior lawyer assuring someone by telephone that he will lobby the Government to have him made Lord President of the Supreme Court because he had been loyal to the Government. That someone is believed to have been Ahmad Fairuz Abdul Halim, who did in fact become Lord President.

A protest march organised by the Malaysian Bar Council was staged in response to this, and corruption among the judiciary in general. But the mainstream Malaysian media barely covered the march even though up to 2000 Bar Council members were taking part. Reportedly, the Prime Minister's office instructed editors to play down the event.

Instead of a free media, independent judges and open public debate, Malaysians are given stunts — the world's tallest building and most recently, a Malaysian cosmonaut. Essentially, they are given the play things of modernity but not modernity itself.

Many senior Malays are absolutely despairing at the direction of their country today. But with the media tightly controlled they have no way of getting their views out to their fellow countrymen. This means that most Malaysians falsely assume that the Malay elite is unified when it comes to the country's direction.

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah, a former finance minister and today still a member of the Government, told me several weeks ago in Kuala Lumpur that he could see no reason why today Malaysia could not have a completely free media, a completely independent judiciary and that corrupt ministers and other officials should be publicly exposed and humiliated.

According to Tengku Razaleigh, all of the institutions designed to make Malaysia's Government accountable and honest have been dismantled or neutered.

It didn't need to be like this. Malaysia is not North Korea or Indonesia. It is something quite different. Its legal system is based on British codes. Coupled with traditional Malay culture, which is one of the world's most hospitable, decent and gentle cultures, Malaysia has the cultural and historical underpinnings to become one of Asia's most civilised, rules-based, successful societies.

Instead, Malaysia's Government is incrementally wasting Malaysia's inheritance.

And this is sooo ironic! What's more with the latest Hindraf issue. What has the government got themselves into?

Art of Living

Was reading the art of living during my breakfast this morning. There's a story on it - short, inspiring and real. And it keeps me ponder for a while. A long while indeed and I didn't even touch on my essay!

Yea. Why not jus perceive death as a period of rest, like a rejuvenating sleep that follows the strivings and exertions of the day? Our lives are indeed, eternal; that cycles of individual life and death are repeated without cease.

The magnitude of the disaster so we called just had gotta be met with even greater faith.

There are many reasons why we bid farewell to one another. It may be difficult indeed not to look back. The deep scars within one's heart may not heal quickly. Yet, nothing is more vital than to continue advancing. We just gotta move on, cutting through the clouds in our heart, even a step. There's nothing more than to make the best out of everything we do, be it in a relationship or for our career, and appreciate every min thats given to us. I've heard this so many more times, and it sounded so trite and bromidic to me when the wound is not on me, when it's not my heart which needs to be healed. I have even blurted them out on occasions just to realise how futile those phrases may sound to my friends who are goin through pain staking moment, but they're so freaking true!

It's only when you've experienced the pain and sorrow in life that you can understand cliches, are in fact the essence of life, which has the power to transform the most deeply established flow of negative energy into motivation.

To let go, is never easy. I still bemoan for my thoughtless act, for the separation that I've to accept, for how I've not made things right in the past. But, I’ve learnt a lot of things - painful things that hurt me - things that make me grow nonetheless.

Cliched piece of wisdom. They are everywhere, in every breath of air. And they are no alient to anyone.

There...

What am I lookin for? Sometimes, I just can't help to wonder, where has the old me gone? The old me who is only confident, loves to laugh, with no complications. Simplicity, has it left and disappear?

And the opened wound cut, I don't even dare to look at it if it has reconcealed itself.

It's 4am, drizzling, the wind chill's seeping through the slit of the window, kissing my cheeks. I'm tired. Tiredness has kicked in ages ago, but I jus couldn't sleep, I don't want to sleep, I am experiencing an extremely heightened state of consciousness. How ironic! But yes, that is so. I've been askin myself umpteenth times, why the heck am I not in bed now? Why the heck am I still stayin online aimlessly browsing thru God knows what, what the heck am I waiting for?

Talkin to you aint helping much in obliviating the state I'm in now (I don't even know myself what state I'm talkin bout), and that's kinda scary to realise. Since when things have changed? Or has it?

'It's already 4am. Go and sleep.' That's the fourth time you said that in 1.5 hours.

Am, still looking for something.

*hugz*, there you go. You finally gave me one, the emoticon I once used to send you.

Tears, rolling down agaisnt my freezing cheeks.

There, a company, is what I'm deniably craving for.

Move on...

What right have I to grieve, who have not ceased to wonder?

I've to admit, she's a strong girl. And how could I beee sooo weak to tear over the phone when I was supposed to cheer her up?! Sheeesh.

Her telling me that she's alright and all in her definite yet fragile tone of voice, made my heart wrenched. She's holding up.

'I've to move on... Andrew wants me to be strong, and so I have to'

Time is always the best medicine to heal. It has to be. It better be.

My utmost sincere blessings for you, my dear friend.